Hate To Love You

I felt like an ass right away. “I’m sorry. I—fuck! I’m . . . I don’t know. I just realized it, but I should’ve known long ago.” This was why I hated him. This was why I’d been adamant about not befriending him, about not being in a study group with him, about not looking at him, talking to him, anything.

Because I knew, deep inside, that I was going to fall in love with him. I felt a lump forming in my throat again. That hated feeling was back, but it was different. It had a whole twisted side to it because it was me, hating that I loved him.

I was so fucked.

They called my mozzarella sticks. I blindly took them back to the booth.

The girls were happy, descending on them until only one was left for me. Kristina hadn’t said anything else, sensing the shitstorm going on inside me, but I felt her watching me the whole time during the meal.

I left the last mozzarella stick.

I never ate any of the pizza.

Even my soda was left untouched. I dumped the whole thing out when we left.

The girls wanted to check their mail, and I trudged behind them, lost in my own thoughts.

Casey persuaded them to come to our room with us afterwards and we were turning down our hallway when Sabrina appeared. The very gorgeous front desk clerk of our old dorm and the very beautiful ex-girlfriend of Shay, was coming toward us.

No.

There was no way I could get hurt.

There was no way Shay would suddenly realize he made a mistake with me and remember that maybe he should be with her instead?

There was no way . . .





“Hey, guys.” She had a friendly smile and wave.

God. She was even more beautiful than I remembered. Why’d Shay have to date such beautiful creatures? And kind. I could tell. She’d always been so nice before, and it was there again. She was so much nicer than I was. I was brash, mean, feisty, and I could be rude at times. I had good qualities, too, but they weren’t on the surface like hers.

Suddenly, I felt very small standing next to her.

I forced a smile.

The rest said an easy hello, heading to the room, but I was rooted in place. This girl had once been with Shay. It shouldn’t bother me, but it did.

She noticed I wasn’t leaving. A soft frown formed. “You okay?”

“Did you love him?”

Her eyes widened a fraction of an inch. “Oh.” She blinked a few times. “You know, huh?”

I nodded, my neck feeling like it was made of wood. “Yeah.”

She cleared her throat. “We could talk in one of the waiting rooms? It’ll be more private.”

“Sure.” My legs felt like they were made of wood, too, as I followed behind her. The whole twisty effect in my stomach was full-force and on steroids. I didn’t know why I was so scared. Shay said he let the relationship go, so what was my damage here? Why was I insecure around her?

“Here.” She found a private sitting area and sat in an archaic-looking armchair. It was dusty rose colored, and something you’d find in a Victorian-era home. She folded her hands on her lap, her back so straight, and her shoulders rolled back. She looked so prim and proper, she matched the chair.

“So.” She smoothed out the bottom of her shirt, spreading it over her legs. “You know about Shay and me then?”

“I met your boyfriend, too.”

“He mentioned that, said you and Shay looked happy together.” She swallowed, her slim throat moving with the motion.

She didn’t like hearing that. I could tell.

This was what I’d been worried about. It wasn’t Shay. It was her. “You still have feelings for him.”

She sucked in her breath, but her eyes said everything.

“Yeah,” I murmured. “That’s what I thought.”

“It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t love me.”

“He doesn’t love me, either.”

Her eyebrows pinched together, and she spoke so softly, “But you’re together?”

I shrugged. I’d had my heart ripped out before. I wouldn’t put anything past anyone. “He cares.”

“Cameron told me that you two fit. Those were his words.”

Why did it bother me that she still loved him? It shouldn’t. She was the ex-girlfriend. He wasn’t going to go back. My insecurity was unfounded.

“You don’t fit?” Sabrina had been watching me, confused.

“We do. Ironically.”

“Why ironically? That’s good, right?”

She hadn’t said much, but I had to ask. “Did he break you?”

“Oh.” Understanding dawned, and she looked down to her lap. Her bottom lip trembled slightly. “He, uh . . . not completely, but yes. He kind of did.”

I remembered his account of why they broke up. “Because he cheated on you?”

She laughed, such a sad twinge to it. “No, because he let me think he did.”

My eyes rounded. “You knew the truth?”

She nodded. “Yeah. I knew the other girl. She told me what really happened, that she kissed him, and he didn’t push her away immediately. She found me later and told me the truth. He waited a second before stepping away from her. She pursued him after that, and that’s when he really put a stop to it. She knew what people were saying and wanted me to know the truth. I respect her for telling me and apologizing, but he let me think it was about the cheating. I knew it was over even before I brought it up to him, just because he didn’t care to. He never told me about the girl. He let me find out on my own, and he still didn’t say anything. I had to bring it up. I had to ask him about it.” She looked down. Her hands were gripping each other so tightly. “He just said he’d be okay if I didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore.”

There was no fight on his end.

“He just—there was nothing there. I didn’t have the heart to admit the truth. I loved him, but he enjoyed my company. That was our relationship.” She flicked a tear away. “We could’ve gone on longer. I don’t think he would’ve broken up with me, but that wasn’t fair to me.”

She loved him while he enjoyed her presence.

I couldn’t get over those words. They were on repeat in my mind.

Shit.

Was that how he and I were?

I loved him. I think I had loved him from the beginning, even from the first day I walked into that class.

I reached over and clasped her hands with mine. “I’m sorry.”

She laughed again, sniffling, and squeezed my hands back. “What for? Shay cares about you.”

I nodded. He did.

“And I’m with Cameron now. I love him. I really do.”

She didn’t. I could see that in her eyes, too. She loved him because he cared back, but it wasn’t the real gut-wrenching type of love, the kind she felt for Shay.

My chest was so damned tight. I had to change the topic, or lighten it somehow. I was starting not to be able to breathe.

“I met Cameron’s sister last night.”

“Yeah.” She smiled, letting out a deep breath. “That’s why I’m here. I was just visiting with her a little bit. Cameron goes to school an hour away, so he comes up every now and then, but he doesn’t always see his little sister. The two should connect more. It’s always weird with them. I don’t get it.”

A faraway look came over her before her eyes focused on me again. “I was sorry to hear you moved dorms. I enjoyed our random hellos.”

I frowned. “I’m sorry I didn’t stop and talk more.”

“Oh.” She waved that off before going back to smoothing out the bottom of her shirt. “I know what it’s like. I was usually studying.”