And:
And wherever you go, you will be the Ruler of that place.
And I can’t help but think:
Boy, what would Old Gork be doing right about now as he scrolled through this new data?
Well he’d be weeping with joy and gratitude.
And as I crouch here letting the data wash over me, I snort in disgust at the thought of Old Gork and his weepy big-hearted ways.
Because from here on out, as far as weeping over my data goes, I’ll leave that to my enemies.
Because tonight in the forest my Cadet Profile is shining in the air like a searchlight:
CADET NAME: Gork The Terrible
NICKNAME: Big Nasty CONQUER & RULE SCORE: 1000 out of 1000
RANK: RuthlessBastard MATING MAGNETISM SCORE: 1000 out of 1000
RANK: ThrobbingWetOvowomb HEART MASS INDEX SCORE: 1000 out of 1000
RANK: TerrorMachine CLASS RANK: 1st out of 2358
WILL TO POWER: 1000 out of 1000
STATUS: Seek&Destroy
Dr. Terrible has done something to me.
My BIOCON LEVS are off the charts.
Some kind of metamorphosis.
I am a ruthless heartless bastard who is ranked first in my senior class.
My status is Seek&Destroy.
My nickname is Big Nasty.
My Mating Magnetism rank is ThrobbingWetOvowomb.
Basically, if you have an ovowomb, you will definitely want to mate with me.
You will want to lay my eggs.
I crouch on my haunches here in the forest.
My head feels weirdly heavy, like somebody has parked their spaceship on top of it.
So I flick my powerstaff and the datastream vanishes and now a full-length mirror appears on the floating screen.
The mirror is hovering right in front of me.
And the sight of myself takes my breath away.
What the—?
The scream is even louder now, slashing across the night wind.
But I have more important matters to attend to.
I slowly turn my scaly head this way and that, eyeing my image in the full-length mirror on the floating screen.
There in the mirror I’m standing upright on powerful green hind legs and I look like some kind of regal dragon tyrant. Downright majestic. You can see my hooded green eyes and the giant leathery wings and the thick tail with spikes running along the top of it. I’m wearing my white WarWings tunic and my red cape, and in one talon I casually hold my gold powerstaff.
And my horns. My God.
Gigantic and terrifying. They must be twelve feet long at least. My new glorious black horns curve up into these fiendish-looking spikes that wink in the moonlight. You can’t help but admire them. With one flick of my neck, I could bulldoze an entire city.
At that moment, an audio feed comes on inside my head and I know it’s Dr. Terrible before he even speaks.
Dr. Terrible’s voice is inside my head.
“Now do you understand, Gork?” says Dr. Terrible.
I gaze at myself in the mirror.
Yes. I understand.
“Tell me, Gork,” says my grandpa. “Think it so I can hear it.”
This is my Designated Foreign Planet.
Earth.
This is the planet I am destined to conquer.
“Yes,” cries Dr. Terrible inside my head. “YES!”
And for a second there I think I can hear Dr. Terrible break down and start weeping. But then the audio feed cuts out.
[ 65 ]
THE KING
The snow has really started coming down.
Everywhere you look, it is covered in white.
Now the wind is moving furiously in the trees, and the trees are shouting:
“Welcome back, insanely scary Gork!
Your life will be epic,
the stuff of legend and lore!
You’ll bravely lead us to victory, of this you can be sure!
After fighting many a pitched battle, you will win the Great War!
Before you we bow,
because you are the King now!
Before you we bow,
because you are the King now!”
I snort firebolts out my nostrils.
And I think:
Shut up, you stupid trees.
I can’t even hear myself think.
So just shut the heck up already!
I don’t have time to dwell on this, though.
Because that freaking scream is still shooting through the night wind.
[ 66 ]
THE ROSE
The scream is boring deep into my earholes now, carving them up and making them raw.
I rub my right earhole and when I pull the talon away, I see that it’s covered in blood.
Then, as if in slow motion, I watch as a drop of blood tumbles from my claw and plops into the pure white snow below.
And Professor Nog’s words from earlier echo inside my skull: “When you want to rule over a foreign land, you must first offer it a drop of your blood. Then wait to see if the land gives you its blessing in the form of a sacred bud.”
Now as I stare down at the lone red dot in the snow, a green stalk grows up out of it and then a huge red rose blooms right before my eyes.
I snort blacksmoke out my nostrils.
And then Nog’s voice pops up inside my skull, and he whispers:
“Now listen carefully, young Gork. Here on planet Earth you will encounter many savage foes. So when you find yourself in trouble, call out for this immortal Red Rose. No amount of gold can match this flower’s worth. This is the sacred key which unlocks nature’s kingdom here on planet Earth.”
Here on planet Earth I will encounter many savage foes.
So when I find myself in trouble, I will call out for this immortal Red Rose.
Got it.
[ 67 ]
THE FULL MOON
The scream is even louder now.
By this point it feels as if the wind is holding the scream like a knife and repeatedly stabbing my earholes with it.
And the pain is excruciating.
I tilt my scaly green head back and roar a roar so powerful and deafening that I swear you can feel the full moon shudder up in the sky and go dark for a millisecond before coming back on.
I snort firebolts out my nostrils.
Where is my Queen?
Then I flap my wings and take off, flying in the direction of the scream.
Thwack-thwack.
[ 68 ]
WHERE IS MY QUEEN?
Thwack-thwack.
I fly through the wind-driven snow.
Straight toward the scream.
A dark shadow in the forest.
Then I see it up ahead.
My God.
I close my wings and coast down to the forest floor.
I crouch here on my scaly green haunches in the snow, gaping at it.
The shiny chamber.
It’s shrouded in insanely thick vines. And a wall of dense thorny brush has grown up all around it. But if you know what you’re looking at, you can still make it out through all the undergrowth.
The chamber with the clear door.
A relic from a different era.
My early years were a succession of arrivals and exits through this door.
Back when I had been claw and fang and wing, nothing more.
I snort firebolts out my nostrils.
My very first lair.
After all these years, it is still here.
Where is my Queen?
[ 69 ]
THE SCREAM
The scream is coming from inside the chamber.
My horns are tingling like crazy.
My toe claws shoot out.
I cock my head to listen, and that’s when it hits me.
I’d know that voice anywhere.
[ 70 ]
THE CLEAR DOOR