The beat of my heart was in perfect symmetry to the sound of the beat of the drum on the radio. I stood there, standing in my room, in the darkness and pressed my hands together. A small cry fell from my lips as TJ’s face passed through my mind. I closed my eyes to try and banish his face from my thoughts, but that didn’t help. I could only see it bigger, brighter, clearer. I opened my eyes again and walked to my bed slowly. I collapsed down onto the sheets, praying that sleep would take me right away, but of course I wasn’t to be so lucky. Emptiness filled me. My heart felt hollow like the inside of the huge conch shell Nonno and I had found on the beach when I was younger. I looked over to the shelf to the right of the bed to stare at the shell that I still treasure so that I could concentrate on something other than TJ. That didn’t help. I cried out again as TJ’s bright green eyes flashed in my mind and all I could see was the warmth of his smile from a few dayss ago. My TJ. Oh how I loved this man. Every single inch of him. I just wanted to reach out and touch him, I needed to feel him, wanted that contact. Just one last time. My body shivered on the bed as I lay there alone, tired, weary, cried out. My heart started to pound as I realized that I could quite possibly die like this. All alone. Heartbroken. More tired than I’d ever felt in my life. My life seemed pointless and hopeless. Life was so incredibly unfair. Why hadn’t he loved me enough to tell me about Nonno? Why didn’t he care? Couldn’t he see that we were made for each other? Couldn’t he see that my heart beat for him? Couldn’t he see how strong I was? I found my eyes gently closing as my sobs started up again. I grabbed my pillow and held it close to me, imagining it was him. The pain shot through my body as I lay there and a feeling of nausea rose through me. I wasn’t going to be okay. Nothing was ever going to be okay again. My heart had shattered into a million pieces and TJ Walker, my soulmate, didn’t even seem to care that he was partially responsible, by not telling me that my Nonno was dying.
***
"I don't think I have a heart anymore. I can't feel it beating. I can't hear it ticking. I think it's left my body." I sobbed to Sally as she sat on my bed and held me. "I don't think I'm going to be okay ever again. I can barely breathe. I can't think. I just want to die."
"Oh Mila. It's okay. It's going to be okay."
"It's not going to be okay." I cried, my stomach feeling more empty than it ever had. I looked up at her bleakly. "I feel like I mean nothing. I'm nothing. I'm invisible."
"You're not invisible."
"And yet I am. I don't matter."
"You do matter, Mila, you're scaring me."
"I'm sorry, I don't even know what to say. I lost Nonno and the one person I ever really and truly loved has ripped my heart to pieces."
"TJ didn't mean..."
"I can't even hear his name." I sobbed. "I can't even think about him without the pain burning me up inside. I hate him so much. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. "
"Oh Mila."
"I'm not waiting for him. I'm not crying for him. I'm not thinking of him. I don't love him. I don't love him." Then the tears started streaming even more. "Oh God, I love him so much it hurts."
“Call him, Mila.” Sally looked down at me with a worried expression. “Call him and let him know how you feel.”
“I don’t know how I feel.”
“Just speak to him.”
“Okay.” I nodded finally and grabbed my phone and waited for him to answer.
“Mila?” He asked hopefully and for a second my heart beat just a little bit faster as I heard his voice. Then I quickly banished my momentary happiness.
"We could have had it all." I said not saying anything else.
"Or we could have had nothing." TJ's voice was sad.
"I loved you."
"Loved? I thought love never died."
"It died."
"So then, maybe it wasn't love."
"You're an ass."
"I'm just saying how it is. If you loved me, past tense, then maybe it wasn't really love."
"Yeah, maybe it wasn't."
"Just lust."
"You wish."
"Infatuation then."
"Yeah, that's it."
"Obsession."
"I'm not obsessed."
"Maybe I was."
"You were?"
"Maybe."
"I see."
"Maybe it hurt too much."
"Being obsessed hurt?"
"No."
"Then what?"
"Being in love." His words were soft now.
"With yourself?"
"No. With someone where the thought of ever having to say goodbye was too hard to handle."
"I see."
"Do you?"
"No."
"Maybe some part of me just knew."
"Knew what?" I was annoyed now.
"It doesn't matter." He shook his head.
"Okay." I said and turned away, then looked towards Sally and smiled brightly. "I think I'm going to go now. I've things to do." My heart thudded painfully, but I didn't want him to know just how badly he'd hurt me.
"It doesn't die." He said softly, his voice tinged with a light of desperation and sadness.