“I’ve been feeling guilty for years.” I bit down on my lower lip. “It was a horrible thing to do.”
“Oh, Mila.” He reached over and held me and kissed my nose softly. “I’m sorry, I should have mentioned something to you.”
“I felt so bad for what I did, and for lying.” I sighed. “I hate lying.”
“I know.” His eyes shifted away from mine and he sighed. “I hate lying too.”
“Is there something you’re not telling me, TJ?” I asked bravely, finally voicing the words I’d been wanting to say for a long time. “I feel like there’s something going on. And I wish you’d share it with me.”
“Mila, there are so many things I want to tell you.” He looked back into my eyes. “You have to understand that.”
“Things like what?”
“Things like how beautiful I think you are. How smart. How wonderful. How brilliant. How your smile lights up a room and my heart.” He stopped as his phone started ringing and he sighed as he took it from his pocket. I saw a bunch of text messages on his phone and I watched him responding to them quickly. My heart raced as he turned the phone away from me so that I couldn’t see the screen. Who was he texting? Did he have someone else? A girlfriend? Someone he really did like, or maybe even loved? My heart grew cold at the thought and I could feel myself starting to feel sick. Was that what TJ was hiding? The fact that he was seeing someone else? I lay back on the grass on my back and just stared up at the stars, trying to breathe in and out to calm my nerves.
"Sorry about that," TJ said, turning back to me.
"That's fine," I said quietly. "Who was it?"
"Oh," he paused. "Just some girl."
"Oh," I said, my stomach lurching, waiting for him to say more. "And you needed to text her back right away?" I said after he didn't say anything else.
"Yeah, I knew she'd keep calling and texting if I didn't." He sighed but still didn't say more.
"I see," I said, but I didn't. I felt like I wanted to die. Another woman added a whole new element to my heartache.
"She doesn't know I went out of town," he continued. "She wanted to talk to me."
"About what?" I asked softly and looked over into his eyes.
"You," he said softly, his face serious. "She wanted to talk about you."
"Oh," I said and I felt tears drifting down my face.
"It's complicated, Mila. It's just so complicated. I don't even know what to say anymore." He reached over and ran his fingers down my face and brushed away my tears. "Please don't cry."
"I'm not crying." I looked away from him.
"My mom used to say that when I caught her crying," he said abruptly, his eyes going dark. "I just remembered that. I would catch her sometimes, just crying, and I never knew why. She'd usually stop right away. And then she'd smile and hold me close and kiss me and tell me I was her perfect little boy." He smiled at me wryly. "Then if my dad caught her, he'd tell her to stop coddling me and she'd let me go and I'd just sit there, slightly confused and bereft, not understanding." He blinked up at me. "Then she just stopped hugging altogether, not unless she was sure my dad wouldn't see."
"Oh, TJ." My heart broke for him. "I'm so sorry."
"It's okay." He nodded. "That wasn't the part that hurt." He paused. "The part that hurt was seeing her hug and smile at everyone else. It made me feel small, unloved, like I'd done something wrong. I remember once, I had a party and she hugged all my school friends and asked each and every one of them how their day had been, yet she didn't even look me in the eyes. She didn't even care about me, her own son, the one she should have loved the most."
"I don't know why she did that," I whispered and stroked the side of his face. "I'm so sorry." The words sounded inadequate, even to my own ears.
"I was too young to understand that it must have been due to my dad," he said and sighed. "All I could think about was how she always used to hold me close and hug and kiss me until I couldn't breathe. And she'd tell me how much she loved me. How she couldn't imagine loving anyone more than me. And then she just stopped."
"I'm sure she didn't stop."
"She just stopped. I was her world. She told me I was her world. She used to tell me that I was her reason for living. That my birth was what had made her life perfect. She told me that the day she had me was the day she started to believe in God again. He'd proven he existed by giving her something so perfect." His throat caught. "And then she stopped loving me and she died."
"Oh, TJ." I pulled him into my arms and held him tightly. "You were the best thing that ever happened to her, but your dad and whatever other demons she had, well, that stopped her from being the person she was inside."