“Maybe it’s a dream,” he said. “To be one with nature, to just live with the land, let the worries of the everyday world consume someone else for once.”
“I’d like to climb that tree.” I pointed up. “And I’d like to sit on the highest branch and just stare out at all the trees and let the beauty and tranquility take me away.” I bit down on my lower lip to stop myself from saying something I shouldn’t. I wanted to ask him what his worries were. I wanted him to share them with me. I wanted to fill that void in his life. But I didn’t know how to. I felt like I had put myself out there so much already and yet, I wasn’t really any closer to him. Yes, I felt we were more intimate and sometimes I felt like I was actually a real part of his life, but there was so much he still had hidden. He hadn’t even told me why we’d come out to the forest for the evening.
“Take you away where?” He rolled over and I could feel him staring at me.
“Anywhere?” I said, a throb of emotion escaping through my voice.
“I don’t want you to go anywhere,” he said softly and I could feel his face moving closer to me. “Look at me, Mila.” I felt his hands on my shoulder and I rolled over to look at him. His green eyes were dark in the light, but I could still see the light sparkle as he gazed at me searchingly. “What are you thinking?” he asked me after a few seconds, his face an expression of melancholy and curiosity.
“If I could survive in the woods by myself,” I said quickly, staring back into his eyes intently. I looked to the side as my real thoughts tumbled through my brain. What do I mean to you, TJ? What do I really mean to you?
“You could survive,” he said and I felt his fingers on my face. “Look at me.” He turned me to face him. “You could survive anything.”
I couldn’t survive you not loving me.
“We should go camping next week,” he said and smiled briefly. “We’ll go to Yosemite.”
“Maybe.” I nodded and smiled back briefly.
“I wonder sometimes if anyone sees me, who I really am.” He lay back and I could hear the emotion in his voice. “There are things, Mila, things you don’t understand. Things that make this complicated.”
“It doesn’t have to be complicated.” My breath caught.
“I’m not the man for you, Mila. I’m not looking for the same things.”
“You don’t even know what I’m looking for.”
“A true love. A real love. A soulmate. Someone who will captivate your heart. Someone who will say all the right things. Someone who will be there for you when you need them. Someone who can listen. Someone that can provide for you. Love you. Truly. Deeply. With his whole heart. Someone who makes you his world. Someone who’s in a place to hold you close and never let go. That’s what you’re looking for. That’s what you deserve. That’s the type of man you need. You need someone who doesn’t have thoughts constantly running through his head. You need someone who doesn’t have something to prove. You know, someone who knows how to love like that.”
All I want is you. I don’t care how little of you I have. The words caught in my throat. How could I make him see that every part of him was what I wanted?
“Say something, Mila.” He turned back to me, his face twisted. “Speak to me.”
“I’d like to fly,” I said. “If you could see me in the darkness, flying through the sky, you’d be amazed by me. You’d be amazed by all I could see and do.”
“I see you in the light,” he whispered. “And I see you in the darkness. That’s the problem.” His voice cracked and I closed my eyes, feeling like someone had just shot an arrow through my heart. Confusion and sorrow filled me. My heart of glass was cracking and I wasn’t sure it would ever be whole again. “I can’t bear to see you in the dark, Mila. I don’t think I’d survive.”
I can’t survive without you ran through my head, but once again I didn’t speak.
“The man who loves you shouldn’t be the man who breaks your heart, Mila,” he continued, as if he were trying to convince me of the reasons why I should be happy he didn’t love me.
“Yeah,” I said finally, trying not to cry. “I need to tell you something,” I said finally. There was no time like the present and I needed to get everything off of my mind.
“Sure,” he said and he rolled to look at me. “What is it?”
“I did something a long time ago and you might hate me for it.”
“Oh?” His tone had changed and I looked over at him.
“There was a girl, when you were in college, one weekend when Sally and I were staying with you and Cody, and she came over and—”
“She told you she was pregnant with my baby.” TJ grinned at me. “And you told her to leave like some badass bitch.”
“You knew?” My jaw dropped open as my eyes widened. “You knew all this time and you never told me?”
“I’d never even slept with that girl.” He laughed. “Yeah, I knew. I thought it was funny.” He shrugged. “Has this been bothering you for a while?”