“So you cheated on her?”
“It wasn’t personal.” He shrugged. “I still loved her. I was still married to her. She was my wife. She was the mother of my child. I built this empire for you. And for her. She had it all.”
“She had it all, but your love.”
“Son, I’m going to give you some advice today that I wish everyone gave their child. Love is a construct. Love is something that people put in their heads to make themselves feel better about their lives. Live your life without love; it will make you feel a lot better. It will make you a man. You’ll appreciate everything that much more. Trust me. Don’t bother with love. Don’t fall in love and don’t let anyone fall in love with you. It’s for the best. All love does is ruin lives. Either your life or another. If there’s one thing you ever take from me, it should be that. Don’t ever let love ruin your life or someone else’s. That’s what killed your mother. Love. Love ruins everything.
“That’s all you have to say?” I stared at him for a few seconds and I watched as he took another sip of his gin and looked back at his contract. I stood up slowly and walked out of the office. “I’m ready,” I said to Cody as I walked back into my bedroom.
“Finally,” he said and jumped up with a grin.
“Yeah, finally,” I said and gave him a small smile, my heart feeling worse than it ever had before.
Present Day
There's this dream that I have. This dream of one day being able to say exactly what I'm thinking, exactly what I'm feeling, exactly what I'm wanting. There's a burning hope inside of me that one day the words will come easier, the fear will be less intense, and the deep yearning will not feel like it's attached to my very essence. I want to tell her one thing. I want to tell her I love her. I want to tell her that I think of her every morning and night. I want to tell her that I can't get her out of my mind. I can't sleep. I can't stop the racing of my heart when she smiles at me. I can't stop myself from smiling in response. I wish her every smile were for me. I want to capture them in a jar and release them every time I feel down. I want her to know that she makes me feel things I don't know that I want to feel. I'm not sure how to tell her I'm not good enough. I don't know how to tell her that I don't know that my love is enough. I don't know how to tell her that with every beat of her heart I feel life inside of me. I don't know how to tell her she's my soulmate. So I don't. I just watch her and wait. Wait to see what'll happen. Wait to see if she can read my mind. Wait to see if the feelings will go. I hope the feelings will go. I don't do love. Not like this. Not when I feel like I can't breathe. So this dream, this dream that keeps me up at night—it's all I have. It's all I need. And every day, I feel myself losing her just a little bit more. And every day I feel myself loving her just a little bit more. If she could read my mind, she'd know. She'd know that she's it for me. I just don't know if I can ever be it for her.
“So what’s up?” I asked Cody as he sat in my office.
“You know what’s up.” He glared at me.
“Not really? The sky? The sun? The clouds?” I asked him and looked at my watch to indicate that time was running and I had work to do.
“This thing with Mila. I don’t really know what’s going on, but I know that there’s something going on.” He stood up and started pacing. “What game are you playing, TJ?”
“You know I have feelings for Mila,” I said stiffly.
“I know that this engagement isn’t really real,” Cody said, his voice getting angrier. “Nonno called me last night. He’s not sure exactly what’s going on, but he’s concerned. He asked me to look out for Mila.”
“I don’t know what to say, Cody.” I shrugged and looked away from him. How could I explain to him what was going on? I couldn’t tell him the truth. I wondered if this whole thing would cost me the best friend I’d ever had as well.
“You need to stop playing with her feelings, TJ.” Cody’s face was angry. “This isn’t just a crush for Mila. She loves you.”
“She doesn’t know what love is.” I grit my teeth as I stared at him. “She knows the score.”
“You’re my best friend, dude, but I swear to God...” Cody’s face grew redder and I could see his fists were clenched.
“What?” I stood up and moved closer to him. “You want to hit me?”
“Yes.” He scowled and looked up into my face. “I want to hit you.” He took a step back and sighed. “But I’m not a hypocrite.”
“What are you talking about?” I frowned, as I realized that not only was he angry at me, but he was angry at himself as well.
“I haven’t exactly treated Sally well.” He shrugged. “Maybe we both just suck.”