Joe covered his face with his hands. That couldn’t be good. When Joe sprang up from the couch so quickly he almost scared the life out of Tom, he started to think the worst. Then again, this was probably normal for Joe. Not what happened on the couch—that was very obviously not normal for Joe—but Joe’s restlessness.
“Jesus, what have I done?” Joe paced from one end of the living room to the other so quickly and repeatedly, Tom thought the guy was going to burn a hole in the floor. Figuring he’d better do something before Joe hurt himself, Tom got to his feet and tried to stop Joe, but the man jumped out of his reach. Doing his best not to feel the sting of that rejection, Tom put his hands up in front of him and took a step back.
“Please talk to me, Joe. Tell me what’s going through your mind.”
“I shouldn’t have done that,” Joe replied anxiously, his words hitting Tom like a fist in the gut. Before he could respond, Joe shook his head and continued. “My God, you’re hurt and I just… just…. What’s wrong with me? I took advantage of you. It’s despicable. I—”
“That’s enough,” Tom insisted, bringing Joe’s pacing to a halt. “Nothing is wrong with you, Joe. You didn’t take advantage of me. I’m the one who started it.” His voice softened, and he couldn’t help the queasy feel in his stomach when he thought about how Joe recoiled from his touch. “I’m sorry if it’s not what you wanted. I didn’t mean to push you into doing something you didn’t want to do.”
“That’s not it at all. In fact it’s the opposite, but… what if you have a family somewhere, kids, who are waiting for you? Starting something wouldn’t be fair to any of us.”
Tom gaped at him. That was certainly the last thing he expected Joe to say. “Kids?” He shook his head in disbelief, his gaze going to the couch before it came back to rest on Joe. “I think it’s pretty safe to say that I don’t have a spouse or kids. Jesus Christ, Joe. Do I need to remind you of what happened?” The idea of a family appealed to Tom greatly, and although he couldn’t remember the people in his life, no way did he have a husband or kids, because the thought of cheating or hurting his family made him sick to his stomach.
Joe’s face went up in flames, and Tom almost felt bad for him, but he wasn’t about to back down now. He got the feeling Joe didn’t deal with confrontation often.
“That doesn’t mean you don’t have someone. I won’t be that guy.”
“You think I’m a cheat?” Tom replied affronted. “I don’t cheat, and I don’t lie. The thought of cheating on someone I care about upsets me as much as it does you.”
“But you don’t know that,” Joe insisted, tapping his head. “You can’t even remember your name! What if there’s someone you’re crazy about who’s out there frantic that you’ve gone missing?”
“I might not remember my name, but that doesn’t mean the memories aren’t in there somewhere. When I thought about someone hurting you, I felt sick to my stomach. Like I was actually going to be sick. Why would that happen, Joe? Then I think of being with someone else, and I don’t feel anything. Nothing. No fuzzy images, no warmth. There’s nothing there. I’m sorry if you regret what happened. I know I can’t remember things, but goddammit, that doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings or instincts. I know deep, deep, down inside myself that I’ve never felt anything like what I feel when I’m around you, and not because I can’t remember someone else, but because I’ve never felt this with anyone. It’s new to me. I know it sounds crazy, but then that’s pretty much the word du jour these days, but I feel like I’ve known you for so much longer.”
“But you don’t know me,” Joe sighed.
“I know people. I know frustration. Before you tell me I don’t know because I can’t remember, I do know. I know it’s important somehow, in my life, to see people, really see them. When I think about the world out there, bad things come to mind. Betrayal, evil, horrible human beings who care more about money than the lives they destroy. This, here, with you, it’s… different.”
Tom could see Joe mulling that over and becoming more wary, but he had to make Joe understand. Carefully, he walked up to Joe and gingerly took his hand, his chest tightening when Joe let him. “I’m not saying any of this to scare you, but I promised Bea I would be honest with you, Joe, and I will. Always. Inside, I feel like I’m surrounded by darkness, but I’m not a bad person, Joe. I can’t be. Not when… not when I feel like I do about you. Not when your smile feels like a lighthouse beacon, guiding me back to safe shores. I’ve been trapped in the shadows for so long that your light is the most amazing thing I’ve felt since… I don’t know when. I need you. Something inside me is drawing me to you. Please don’t turn me away now. Not when I’ve found you through the darkness.”