I lunge for the nurse call button and press it repeatedly, my eyes fixed on him. My heart’s in my throat as I stare helplessly, unable to do anything to ease his suffering.
Soon, nurses pour into the room. Someone pushes me aside, but I’m too dazed to protest or even hold my own weight. I stumble back several steps until my back hits a wall. I feel as though I’m watching everything that is happening in front of me from outside my body. Suddenly, there is a commotion that has nothing to do with the nurses trying to save my brother, and everything to do with Josh fighting them. Instinctively, I rush to the bed only to find him thrashing, his wide eyes filled with absolute desperation. I zoom in on his lips, but he’s sentences are interrupted by brutal jolts from his body.
“Where. . .he? I need. . .him. Now!”
One of the nurses says something but my sole focus is on Josh. I shoulder my way through the throng of people and yell, “I’m here, bro. I’m here.”
The frantic look in his eyes ceases for just a few seconds when he sees me. “I love you, Cole.”
His upper body slumps back on the bed in exhaustion, but that isn’t what sends more tears running down my face.
No.
It’s the peaceful smile stretching his mouth. I stand there, frozen to my spot, watching as his shallow breaths slow to a stop.
His eyes stay open as life fades from them, leaving them empty. My gaze flies to the telemetry monitor next to his bed, and I watch as the numbers drop until a continuous flat line appears. I keep staring at it, waiting for the line to change its pattern.
Nothing.
Everything stops. I see the nurses exchange grim looks and then shake their heads. I blink, lifting my gaze to the window, noticing the yellow and golden jagged lining as the sun sinks beyond the skies.
Taking in a shuddering breath, I stagger out of the room. I stand in the hallway, pain ripping through me. My hands curl into fists, and I slam them on the wall.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck!
Someone touches my arm.
“Just leave me the fuck alone.”
More tugging. I jerk my head up and glare at the intruder.
Nor’s eyes widen as she searches my face. “Josh?”
I try to bring some kind of control to my emotions, my heart dying as I take in Nor’s expectant stare, and shake my head. It’s all I can give her.
She covers her mouth with a hand as tears roll down her face. I shift around to grab her in a hug and I see Cora and Joce staring up at me from behind their mother, their eyes round and lips trembling.
“No,” Joce says, shaking her head. “My daddy can’t be dead. You’re a liar. He is not dead. Dad. . .”
I can’t take it anymore. In a little over fifty-five hours, I’ve lost my brother and found out I’m a father. And still, nothing makes a single bit of sense.
Something gently tugs the back of my shirt. I stop mid-stride and look over my shoulder. Little Cora is looking at me through red eyes, tears falling down her eyes.
“Please don’t go,” she signs. “Please.”
Fear, loss, and panic fill her small features. Turning around, I drop to my knees, wrap my arms around her and hold her close. Her body trembles as her arms circle my neck.
I shut my eyes tight. I wish I could take away this fucking pain crippling her body. I tuck a thumb under her chin, lift it up and wait until she meets my gaze. “I’m not leaving. I promise.”
I have no idea how to console my own daughter. How will I be a good father to these precious girls, if the thought of doing something wrong cripples me? I’ve spent the last thirty years just taking care of me. How will I know what they need? What if I mess up being a dad?
Christ. I can’t afford to think like that. I will do everything in my power to be the father they deserve. The best father I can be.
When I open my eyes again, Nor and Joce are huddled together, Nor’s hand moving in circles on our daughter’s back to soothe her. I climb to my feet, taking Cora with me, and bridge the space between us, slipping my arm around Nor. I pull her and Joce to my chest.
I pull back and swallow hard. I’m not going to cry in front them. Right now, it’s about them. I kiss each of their foreheads. Nor’s lips are pressed in a straight line, her lashes wet and her eyes bright with tears she’s trying to hold back—for Cora and Joce’s sake, I’m sure.
“We need to go back to tell—” I hesitate and clear my throat. My parents and Nick. They need to know. They didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye. Nor and the girls didn’t either.
Joce, my quiet, sweet daughter tightens her fingers on my T-shirt as though she never wants to let go. I glance up at Nor. She nods, smiling softly and I watch as one tear, then a second one rolls down her face.
She smooths Joce’s hair first, then Cora’s, in a comforting gesture, but her focus is on me. “Thank you for coming back home and for being here for the girls. And me.”