I drop my hands and the girls dash toward Nor. Her face transforms from worry to delight as she smooths the girls’ hair and then kisses their foreheads. She looks my way from over the top of our daughters’ heads, nodding subtly before turning and herding them out the door. Dragging my fingers through my hair, I stand up and follow, my feet heavy with trepidation.
We finally arrive at the hospital and rush to the waiting area where Mom, Dad and Nick are seated, focused on Dr. Heinemann as he speaks. Megs stands beside him, her hands shoved inside the pockets of her blue scrubs. Mom seems to have aged since I last saw her this morning. She’s holding Dad’s hand tightly. I don’t realize I’ve been staring in their direction for a long time until Mom stands up and walks toward me.
“I forgot to ask for your number. Josh was asking for you. Even weak with pain and drowsy from the medication they gave him, he kept murmuring your name over and over.”
I swallow hard and nod.
The doctor walks toward us and Mom stops talking, and faces the doctor with a hopeful look on her face. It breaks my heart to see her like this. Dr Heinemann looks grim, his lips drawn in a thin line. He starts to speak and I have to watch his lips intently so I don’t miss a word.
“He wants to see all of you but insists to speak to his brother first and then his wife and children.” He glances at me. “In normal occasions, we advise no more than two visitors at a time. But in this case, we’ll make an exception.”
I trail after the doctor, shoving my clammy hands into the pockets of my pants. We stop outside Josh’s room, and after the doctor advises me to keep the conversation between me and my brother light, he walks away.
Light? Is he kidding?
Shaking my head, I push the door open. The atmosphere has shifted since I was here earlier today. It’s heavier, as if death is hovering just around the corner, waiting to snatch him up at any time.
FIVE CRACKS. THERE ARE FIVE cracks on the ceiling. I could close my eyes and tell you exactly where they are positioned.
I’ve been lying in this bed for far too long. My only source of entertainment —when the pain becomes unbearable, when regret comes flooding in—is to focus on those cracks.
The nurse gave me a shot of pain medication before she left. My body feels lethargic. Painless. It’s finally giving up, though. I’ve been holding on for too long, waiting for Cole. Now, I can finally let go. I never knew a person could put death on hold by sheer will, but I think I succeeded in doing that. Or God somehow answered my prayers.
Whichever.
I’m grateful my parents and Nor contacted him when they did. I wanted to be the one to tell him I was dying. I wanted to talk to him before I left this world. Ask him to give Nor the benefit of the doubt. I never set out to hurt Cole. I never contemplated marrying Nor, until the day I stepped through the front door of her house and saw her father’s furious face so full of vengeance.
Yes. I wanted her the moment she moved in next door. I was twenty-one and a savvy flirt. I’d lie in bed at night and think about the girl with innocent green eyes, a dimple and a constant look of pain in her stare. Just looking into her eyes, I knew. The scars on her body proved it. I knew she’d had a difficult past. I wanted to protect her. Wipe away the bad and give her a clean slate.
I never did though. She already belonged to someone else.
My brother.
Nor was Cole’s from the second he laid eyes on her. The connection was powerful. Every time she walked into a room, or Cole’s gaze was on her, his face would soften and his lips pulled into a smile. Every time Cole looked at Nor, she’d bloom under his stare.
I’d never seen my brother’s attention claimed by a girl the way it was by Nor. His life had drastically changed when he became sick, leading to his hearing loss. He’d always been so serious, his nose constantly buried in books, or drawing. Then Nor dropped into our lives. And everything changed.
What Nor and I did to him is unforgiveable. I’m not sure we had a choice in the matter though. Sometimes we make the hardest of choices, hoping that one day we will be granted forgiveness. As much as I’d like to put my mind to rest, tell him what happened on the day he came home from prison, I can’t. Nor insists it’s her cross to bear. She blames herself for landing him in prison in the first place. I promised her I’d keep my mouth shut.
I have one more chance to convince him not to give up on her. He still owns her heart, even though he doesn’t know it.
The door silently opens and Cole steps inside, his gaze finding mine. He slips his beanie off his head, shoves his hands inside his pockets and walks toward me.
I sigh and settle back into my pillows.
He has to listen to me. If he doesn’t, I’ll just have to use the dying card. Cruel, I know. But what choice do I have if he doesn’t cooperate?
JOSH LOWERS HIS EYES FROM the ceiling when I walk in. His fingers are intertwined on his stomach, the thumbs twitching every so often.
Taking a deep breath, I stop at the foot of his bed and just stare at him, feeling helpless as fuck. His weary eyes shift to look over my shoulder before returning back to my face.