When I’m with him away from the apartment, I always feel close to him as though this relationship we are trying to build because of our child is really going to work. That he’s really going to be sticking with us, and that he doesn’t regret anything or blame me for trapping him.
It’s when we are in the apartment that I’m not sure of him, or myself for that matter. I know that even though he’s been so attentive to me, and made sure I haven’t wanted for anything, that I’m pulling away from him. There’s something to be said about self-preservation, which I guess is what Lucien has been doing for years. I can’t help it. No matter what I do to try to pull myself back it doesn’t work and I think it’s because I know in my heart that he’ll never trust me enough to stay with him. I’m basically in a relationship where the man I love is waiting for me to walk away so how is that supposed to make me feel?
The rustle of a magazine draws me out of my dark thoughts and I glance around the crowded OB’s office at the happy couples quietly talking to each other or reading. I look at the clock, another scan…another missing Lucien. He’s never late for anything unless it’s taken out of his hands. But yet again, I find myself offering another lady waiting to see the doctor my turn as I wait hoping he’s going to be here. What the hell is it with these appointments? Nothing ever comes up at any other time and now…my cell starts to ring.
Glancing at the caller id before answering, my heart sinks when I see Lucien’s name flashing on the screen.
“Hello,” I answer.
“Sabrina, thank God. I’ve only just realized the time. I’m not going to make it, I’m so sorry, but Lily had a fall.”
“How? Is she all right? The baby?” I quickly ask my voice full of concern.
“She said she went dizzy and lost her footing on the stairs. Luckily, she was only two steps from the bottom so didn’t have far to fall. The doctor thinks, other than shock, she’s going to be fine and so is the baby, but Michael’s freaking out so I’m here at the hospital with them.”
My heart sinks.
“Sabrina, are you there?”
“Yeah,” I whisper, unable to hide my disappointment.
“I’m really sorry. I can’t leave. They need me here. You’ll be fine, right? You know how much I was looking forward to being there. I’m disappointed, but you’ll get a DVD again so we can watch it together later?”
He does sound disappointed that he isn’t going to be here, but I keep telling myself if he wanted to be with me he would be. Lily is going to be all right so there isn’t any reason why he has to stay there.
He’s chosen Lily over his child…over me.
The lump in my heart bursts and I find it difficult to breathe. I struggle to find the words but I can’t. All I want to do is rail against him, cry out the hurt that is lancing through me. I shake my head to clear it and hang up. There isn’t really anything else I can do.
“Sabrina, you’re the only one left,” Crystal says and the word again hangs between us. I glance around the room and am startled that I lost track of time.
Just by looking at Crystal, I can see the pity on her face. That I’m pregnant and the father isn’t as committed as I thought he was.
Why am I surprised that he’s blown me off because of Lily? I shouldn’t be, but I am and it hurts so much.
Yes, she was hurt and was taken to the hospital but she has a devoted husband who is with her. They are both going to be okay so why can’t he leave to be with me? I feel a strange mixture of sadness and numbness taking over as I follow the nurse into the small room.
Lying back on the table while the doctor does her thing, I stare up at the ceiling trying my best to keep the tears at bay. Having a tissue shoved into my hand, I realize my tears are falling and my face is wet. I’m unable to focus because of the tears swimming in them.
I vaguely hear India, my doctor ask Crystal to give us a few minutes before the door clicks shut.
“Why are you in tears in my office? It’s been a while since I’ve made someone cry.”
At least she gets a small smile out of me. “I’m sorry,” I sniff into a tissue, “it’s not you. I can’t talk about it, otherwise, I’ll be even more of a wreck than I am now.”
She nods. “I’m not going to push you Sabrina, but sometimes it helps getting things off your chest so I’m here for you if you ever change your mind.”
“Thank you.”
I mop my tears up and try to breathe through my heartache.
“Do you want to know the sex of your child?” India asks with a smile in her voice.
Do I?
Before he’d stood me up, we’d agreed to ask the sex of our child, but now I’m not sure I want to know.
I shake my head. “No.”
Her hand pauses on my stomach before she continues taking measurements.
I still can’t bring myself to look at the monitor.