I have been telling her I’m fine when in fact I wasn’t. No matter how many times she asked me, I’d always reply the same and try to convince her that I really was okay. She obviously has the mother antenna and knew I was lying to her.
Wrapping my hands around my mug, I curl my feet under me, and for the first time in my life, I really talk to her. “The baby is fine and has been doing well. Lucien had the doctor call and she brought a nurse and a portable ultrasound device. So as long as I make time during my day to rest, she doesn’t see any reason why I won’t carry to term.”
“Well that’s good news. I’m really looking forward to having a granddaughter to spoil.” She smiles and I can see she means what she says, which, if I’m honest, makes my heart feel lighter.
But she has to accept that, “It could be a boy,” I mention out loud. I know she has always been into dresses, lace and frills, which is just not me at all. Never has been and never will be.
“Well, what do you want?”
I roll my eyes. “I’m not bothered what I have as long as he or she is perfectly healthy. But if you ask Lucien, then he will agree with you. If I was given the choice, then I’d choose a boy who looked like his dad.”
I meet her gaze over my mug, and pause. “What? Why that look?”
“You’re in love with him.”
It was a statement so it doesn’t need an answer, right?
“Well?”
Perhaps I do need to say something. “Yes, I love him. He’s been burned badly in the past so he doesn’t trust easily.” I cringe at my bad choice of words.
“Anyone who has seen him looking at you will know how he feels about you.”
What is she talking about?
Frowning, I ask, “Why? How does he look at me?”
“Sabrina, open your eyes. That man loves you, and I won’t believe any denials.”
“Um.”
She smiles. “Well it looks like I’ve left you without words for a change.”
“I’d say,” I mumble.
“Whatever is going on between you both seems to be working. I might be in my sixties, but I recognise the blush that was running along your cheekbones.”
Throwing my head back, I laugh and for once my tears are tears of laughter.
Some mothers might come out with things like that all the time, but mine, well, let’s just say she’s what I’d consider prim and proper. So that was a surprise.
“You were about to tell me how you, really, are doing?”
She doesn’t let up.
“Truthfully, I’ve been feeling useless and in the way.” She arches a brow at me. “Lucien hasn’t made me feel that way. It’s just difficult to explain. One minute I’m so happy that our baby is still growing inside me, and the next I get this feeling that I’m trapping Lucien. Forcing him to be with me when he prefers to be on his own. He’s told me that he wants me living with him and that he’ll always be here for me and our child, it’s just difficult, you know? I do love him. I love him so much. If he would have asked me to be with him without the pregnancy being a factor then it would be so different and I’d know exactly where I stand. Most of the time I feel as though I’m walking on eggshells.”
After my confession, we fall into a comfortable silence, which is surprising, while I think about what I’ve just admitted.
I think every girl in my situation wants to know the guy she’s with wants her for herself and not just because of the child she’s carrying. Lucien is different. There’s always been electricity between us from the moment we met.
Part of my problem is my insecurity about Lily and Lucien’s feelings for her. I hear what everyone has said. It’s just difficult to accept whenever I see them together. It always hurts. The only way to make it stop and to try and get used to the idea that there is another woman in his life is to talk to him about it. Make him see that it bothers me. I’m sure he’s worked it out by now with how reserved I’ve been with Lily. So much so that I’ve avoided her for months, using any excuse I could come up with. Putting my worry off isn’t going to change anything or give me the explanation I need.
Lucien is always defensive of Lily and I guess it pisses me off.
Hell! Having these thoughts isn’t exactly making for a light and cheerful day.
I started off in bed, not wanting to do anything or talk to anyone, only to end up having Lucien’s arms wrapped around me for the first time in weeks. And then he surprised me even more by showering with me, and what a shower that turned out to be.
“You know,” Mom says, bursting through my thoughts. “You need to go out more. I know you haven’t over the past four weeks because you were on bed rest, but now there isn’t any excuse. Go to the museum, the mountains, out for dinner, just spend more time together doing what people who are dating do.”
I shake my head.
“Well then, what are you waiting for?”