What have I done?
“Sabrina, I’m sorry. I’m more sorry than I’ll ever be able to tell you. I loved hearing your voice this morning and I so wanted to speak to you, but I wanted to see you in person. I needed to talk to you face to face, not over the phone.” I drop my hands to my side. “God, I had no idea you needed me…and I hung up on you.”
“I’ve lost our baby so you don’t need to bother with me anymore,” she cries, holding her stomach.
What the fuck!
I don’t give her chance to speak or refuse me this time and kicking my shoes off, I climb onto the bed with her and pull her into my arms. “You. Have. Not. Lost. The. Baby. Are you listening to me? Sabrina?”
Her body slowly stops shaking as she pulls her head away from my chest. I continue, “You are still pregnant. There is plenty of bed rest in your future, but our child is still growing inside you.”
“I thought. I thought...”
“I know, babe. I can’t believe they didn’t tell you.”
“They haven’t told me anything.”
I kiss her forehead. “And, for the record, and in the interest of full disclosure, when I arrived here the only person I wanted to know about was you, and then the baby. Don’t for one minute think that I don’t want you because I do. No matter how much of a dick I’ve been, you’re always in my thoughts.” I pull her back to me and sigh with relief when she snuggles against my chest.
“You hurt me,” she mumbles against me. “You walked away from me after promising you wouldn’t. I shouldn’t accept your apology so easily, but I don’t have the heart not too. I need you Lucien.”
Her words terrify me. But the truth that I don’t want to admit is, I need her too.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Sabrina
Four weeks have passed since the fright of my life. Spending that time in bed, or on the sofa, has slowly been driving me crazy. I’m not one for sitting back and doing nothing so the being inactive is hell. I know it’s for the good of the child, but no matter how much I try to stay positive, I feel myself sinking deeper into depression.
Lucien has been amazing, and apart from three days a week, he spends all his time here. He is either working at the dining table or making sure I’m comfortable and have everything I need. He must be worn out. He never lets it show.
The trip to the hospital had given us both a scare. I still don’t think either of us are over it. I’ve tried to mention it to Lucien a few times after I was released, but he didn’t want to talk about it and wanted to only look forward to the end of the pregnancy when both the baby and I are healthy. On one hand, it’s fine to look forward but on the other, it isn’t when the past hasn’t been dealt with. It’s not a good idea because it doesn’t make for a bright future. Despite everything, Lucien doesn’t want to look at it that way, he prefers to just move forward through the pregnancy, day by day. Except, I’m sure he’s only existing and not living. He won’t admit that.
Lucien knowing that I’m getting fed up with all this resting, has arranged for my mother to come over today. Even though our visit with her didn’t go that well, she has come round a bit after Ruben had called and told her I was in hospital. It will be a nice break, even if I am always at odds with my mother. The only other activity I’ve been allowed is the frequent check-ups with my doctor to make sure baby and me are healthy.
I smile as I caress my stomach, which has a more pronounced bump, I think about my baby. I don’t have any nerves about being pregnant, and although I’m excited, I just can’t work up any enthusiasm for getting ready for baby. The doctor has assured me that the baby is fine but it isn’t just about the baby and the matter of the nursery. I feel sorry for Lucien because a few times he’s hinted that he’d like to look at nursery furniture with me. I’ve no interest yet, and can’t seem to get there. I think I have a mental block about it after Lily mentioned we needed to start looking when she was here last week.
Our relationship is still strained, and yes, I know it’s all on me. I can’t seem to get past the thought that Lucien is in love with Lily. He smiles and touches her in an affectionate way that he never has with me. I can’t watch them anymore because it hurts. Every time she comes, she doesn’t stay long and I think she senses the tension. After she leaves, Lucien usually returns to the bedroom and just stares at me before closing the door behind him.
And now feeling his presence in the doorway, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to act. It feels like I’m living with a total stranger. I don’t even feel like I’m wanted here.
“Sabrina, I know you’re awake.”
Sighing, I mumble, “I am.”
His sigh is filled with frustration, as though he’s had enough of me, which he probably has.