He was over to it in three strides, blocking my way. “I’m sorry, babe. I didn’t mean to scare you.” He instantly pulled me into his arms, and I reluctantly went. “I have been rackin’ my mind, tryin’ to figure out what I did wrong? What he has that I don’t? How I could step up my game, be everythin’ you need in a man. I got us this apartment. I know it ain’t big, but it’s a home. I got a job so I could take care of you. I love you so fuckin’ much, it kills me inside.” He pulled away, needing to look into my eyes. “I thought we would be together forever. Get married. Try for another baby. Maybe have a few more after that. Fuckin’ grow old together,” he paused, trying to reel in his emotions, but it was pointless. The hurt was evident his voice. His heart was bleeding out in front of me, too. “You don’t want that, do you? At least not with me, right?”
“Noah... I... I’m just so confused and overwhelmed. I don’t know what the right or wrong answer is. I have been worrying myself sick, these last four months. You have no idea what it is like to have years of emotions come pouring back into your life as if they were never gone. Except, now they’re full force. Mixing in with the way I feel about you in my heart. I feel every touch, every look, everything that I used to know when it came to Creed. It all came rushing back. But there is no doubt in my mind that I love you, too. You have to believe me!” I stressed with tears suddenly falling down the sides of my face. “You have been my rock, my best friend, and one of the best things that have ever happened to me. And I will never be able to thank you enough for that. I’m so sorry, Noah. You have no idea... how sorry I am,” I wept, letting the tears flow loosely now. “I never wanted to hurt you. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I love you so much...”
“But?”
“But... my heart is telling me... it’s not you.” My lips trembled. My heart ached for him. “I have been in love with Creed since I was nine-years-old. And as much as I want to tell my heart it’s wrong, I don’t think it is.” More tears spilled down my face, waiting for him to say something, anything. To yell and scream at me. To tell me he hates me and that he will never forgive me for this.
I deserved it all.
“So what now? I just watch you run off into the sunset with my brother? Pretend I never fuckin’ loved you? Never felt you beneath me? Never kissed your lips? And heard you say you love me, too? What, Mia? The fuck you want me to do? Cuz I can’t keep doin’ this. Lookin’ into your eyes, seein’ it’s not me you want. Keep fuckin’ you, knowing that when you’re on top of me, it’s cuz you’re tryin’ to stop thinking of him,” he choked out, his eyes glossy and torn.
“Please... Noah,” I begged for I don’t know what.
“You know I’m right. So, who’s it goin’ to be? Huh? Him or me?”
“Noah, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you,” I simply repeated, staring into the depths of his soul. Needing him to understand and believe me. “But I can’t keep lying to myself, and I can’t keep stringing you along... when my heart belongs to another man. It’s always been his since day one. I just lost my way and couldn’t remember that. But I will never regret being with you. Having you in my life is the only thing that kept me going when all I wanted to do was die right along with Maddie. You saved me.”
He took a deep breath as tears streamed down his face. Mimicking mine. Our emotions mirroring one another.
“Can I kiss you just one last time, please? Pretend that you’re still mine before I have to say goodbye to you. Knowing that you’re going back to him. Leaving me with nothing but my heart dying for you.”
I fervently nodded.
He didn’t waver, grabbing ahold of my face and kissing me like his life depended on it. Putting every emotion, every feeling, every last part of himself into our last kiss.
It would go down as the sweetest, saddest kiss of my life.
He leaned his forehead against mine, still peering deep into my eyes. “I’ll always love you, Mia Ryder.”
I nodded, murmuring, “I know. I’ll always love you, too.”
And I would.
I found myself going to the train tracks more often than not. The same place that used to torment me, had now become another spot that reminded me of her. Out of all the places we’d been together, this one was the closest to my heart. Clearly aware of the reason, this was where she became mine.
I shook off the sentiment, slowly letting the smoke seep from my nose and lips, savoring the taste of the nicotine that coursed through me. Sitting under the same tree in the open field, waiting for the twelve o’clock train to pass through town. I left Diesel in charge at the shop, running out to grab lunch, and yet here I was.
The one place that now gave me peace.
Trust me, the irony was not lost on me.
It had been six months since I last saw Mia. Nothing had really changed in my life. Same shit, just a different day. I was working so damn much, drowning myself in hours upon hours of custom builds at the shop. Sometimes showing up before sunrise and leaving well after midnight, if not later. It was easier that way.
Plain and simple.
There were times where I thought I saw her, felt her, rapidly turning around to find her, only to realize very fucking quickly it was just wishful thinking. My mind playing games that I had no interest in participating in. Especially after learning that she and Noah weren’t together anymore. They hadn’t been for three months, according to Ma. By the look on her face, she was waiting for me to run out the door of her house and go claim what had always been mine.
I didn’t.
I couldn’t do it anymore.
It hurt too fucking much.
Every day that went by was another day without her. Another day where I didn’t see her, hold her, kiss her, fucking love her...
Another day that she didn’t come to me. And God fucking help me that was all I wanted. I needed her to come back to me like I needed air to breathe. I couldn’t keep fighting for her if she didn’t want me. No longer being able to take the rejection. I was raging a war within myself. Debating whether to go after her or hold my ground. As much as I wanted to, the desire to have her choose me won in the end.
Which was probably why I started spending so much time at these goddamn train tracks, feeling as though I had really lost her for good. She’d moved on, and maybe it was time for me to do the same. I would mourn the loss of her for the rest of my fucking life.
Mia Ryder was a woman to love.
And... fuck did I still love her.
More so now than ever before.
“What are ya doin’ here?” I suddenly found myself asking, unable to turn around. Knowing exactly who was behind me. Except this time, I knew it was real.
I felt her.
“I went by the house, and your bike wasn’t in the driveway. Then I drove by your shop, and it wasn’t in the parking lot, either. I don’t know why but I knew you’d be here, so I came to find you.”
After all this time.
She was finally there.