Or so I told myself.
In the back of my mind, I knew I didn’t want to be far away from Creed. Already had spent way too many years apart, as it was. At that point, I’d take him any way I could. Even if it meant just seeing him in passing. I’d take an occasional nod of the head in my direction, a wave of his hand, or a hello to escape his lips. Praying that he wouldn’t just ignore me like he did when I was a little girl. When I had to watch him get off his bike with another girl on the back. Pretending as if he didn’t know me, like I never existed in his world.
I couldn’t bear that again.
Noah and me were sitting on the couch in his new apartment. That happened to be right above the mechanic shop he was now employed at, not far from Creed’s business downtown. I had to drive by it every time I came to see him. There was no avoiding it. It was like the whole situation was just mocking me.
“What’s up with you lately, pretty girl?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head, my gaze still glued to the screen of my laptop in front of me. “Why do you keep asking me that?”
“Cuz you keep lyin’ to me.”
“I’m not lying. Why would I lie?”
“I wouldn’t know, Mia. Cuz you’ve shut down on me.”
“What?” I replied, taken back. Finally looking up at him, catching me off guard with his eyes, dark and brazen.
“You gonna tell me what’s wrong? Cuz I can’t make it better if I don’t know, baby.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I simply stated, shutting my computer. About to stand up, but was stopped me short when he grabbed my hand.
“Don’t walk away from me, we ain’t done.”
I jerked my arm away. “Obviously, I don’t want to talk about this. I’m fine. Promise.”
He cocked his head to the side, narrowing his eyes at me. “Is this about your memory? Cuz God knows we haven’t talked ‘bout it since it miraculously reappeared.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything at all.
He leaned back into the couch again, slowly nodding his head. The realization quickly took over the expression on his face. “So... this really is about your memory? Or should I say Creed?”
I winced, hearing his name. I couldn’t help myself, it was quick, but he still saw it.
He shook his head, running his hands through his hair in a frustrated gesture. “I fuckin’ knew it. I knew once your memory came back it would be all over for me. For us.”
“I didn’t say that. You’re putting words in my mouth.”
“You don’t have to. It’s written all over your face. Has been since everythin’ started coming back to you. I’ve been tryin’ to ignore it. Pretend like it isn’t there, like I don’t see it. Fuck... even been tellin’ myself you’re just tired or overwhelmed, it’s why we haven’t been havin’ sex. You barely even let me touch you.”
“I let you touch me, Noah.”
“When? When was the last time you really let me touch you? Huh? I know.” He sternly nodded. “When I fucked you on my bike.”
I gasped from the vulgarity of his words.
“Don’t look so surprised, Mia. I’m not that fuckin’ stupid.”
“I never said you were.”
“You’re takin’ me for a fool now. Why you playin’ me? After everythin’ we have been through, have I ever made you feel like you couldn’t be honest wit’ me?”
“No,” I softly spoke.
“I love you, but you already know that. I tell you all the time. You feel it in your heart when the words come out of my mouth. It’s the sincerity in my voice. My touch when I feel you beneath me. You consume me.”
“I know. I love you, too.”
“But that don’t mean you’re in love with me, does it?”
“I’m here, aren’t I?”
He shook his head, scoffing out, “That’s your answer? Jesus, you can’t even say it to me.”
I sat back on the couch, closer to him. “Please, just drop it, okay?”
“No. I can’t just drop it, Mia. That how you think this works? I continue to pretend you wanna be with me when you really want to be with him.”
“That’s not true. You’re my best friend. I don’t wanna lose you.”
“You also don’t wanna hurt me, but don’t you realize you’re hurtin’ me right now? You been hurtin’ me for months. Your indifference fuckin’ shatters me, cuz I know it ain’t you. I felt you, baby. Your heart, your touch, your fuckin’ words. I had you, and now I fuckin’ lost you, haven’t I?”
I bowed my head, feeling ashamed. “I’m just confused... it will pass, and we will be good again, promise,” I swiftly lied, the words feeling so foreign leaving my mouth.
“Not as long as he’s around.”
“That’s not fair! You know how much I love you. It’s been you for almost two years!”
“Well, it’s been him for longer than that. Just admit it.” He leaned forward, sitting on the edge of the couch. His elbows placed on his knees. “If you wouldn’t have lost your memory, we wouldn’t have been together. This would have never happened between us.”
“You don’t know tha—”
“The fuck I don’t!” he roared, his hands connecting with the coffee table as he yelled, making me scoot away from him. “You fuckin’ him? Is that what’s going on? Feelin’ guilty or somethin’?”
“No! I can’t believe you just asked me that!” I shouted back, abruptly standing to leave. Hastily shoving everything into my backpack, then heading straight for the door. No longer wanting to have this conversation with him.