“You got to meet her?” I asked in the same low monotone he was speaking in.
“No. By the time I made it back, she was already gone.” His mind was reeling. I could see it clear as day, the visions playing out in front of him. “She was so fuckin’ tiny. Her body fit right in my palms,” he paused, looking down at his hands like she was still in them. “She had your lips and round face, your complexion, too.” I watched as tears streamed down his cheeks, feeling so helpless. He didn’t bother wiping them away, too consumed with what he was telling me. As if he was there with her and not here with me. “She had my black hair, though. Her skin was so fuckin’ soft, and she smelled like nothin’ I’d ever breathed in before. She was so fuckin’ perfect. I loved her immediately. Didn’t think I could ever love somethin’ so much until that moment. Except, maybe you.”
I sucked in air, taking in everything he was saying, reliving it through his eyes. Not noticing I’d been crying right along with him until a tear fell to my lips.
“I dream about her all the time. Thinkin’ about somethin’ that will never be. You see, Mia, your purgatory is the fact that you don’t remember anythin’... mine is the fact that I do.”
“Noah...” I whispered, my voice breaking.
“I don’t want you to remember. I pray every night that you don’t. Cuz I know the day you do, you’ll fuckin’ hate me. Just as much as I hate myself for not savin’ our baby girl.”
I grimaced, his words too much for me to bear. I sat up, taking him along with me, straddling his lap. It was my turn to wipe away his tears. Using my lips, my fingers, wanting to take away his pain and sorrow.
“I could never hate you,” I murmured, caressing all over his face. Silently praying he would believe me.
There wasn’t an inch of me that didn’t ache for him, that didn’t want him. I craved his touch now, more than ever before. I licked my lips, needing the moisture to soothe the burn his words and breath caused against my mouth. His eyes followed the simple gesture of my tongue.
“It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. I may not remember what happened, but I know in my heart who you are and what you mean to me. You can’t keep blaming yourself for something you had no control over. You didn’t pull the trigger. You would never hurt me. I know that without my memory. Do you understand me?”
He pulled back a little, narrowing his eyes at me. Searching my face for I don’t know what. He just nodded, answering my question as he reached up to sweep my hair away from my face, never letting his eyes waver from mine. I didn’t hesitate, leaning in and kissing him. Wanting and needing to take away his memory of that day, knowing in my heart it wouldn’t matter, it would always haunt him. I felt as though it was the least I could do to try.
Allowing my touch to speak for itself.
In a matter of minutes, our kiss turned into something else entirely. Something we both wanted but had yet to make happen.
“Pretty girl,” he rasped, against my mouth. “What are you doin’?” Feeling the urgency of my lips claiming his.
“I want you,” I simply stated in between kisses. Not wanting to stop comforting him, even if it was just for a second.
“Mia...” he groaned in a husky, torn tone. Waiting for me to say the words he desperately yearned to hear.
“Please... Take me to bed. I’m yours.”
He abruptly stood, carrying me up with him like I weighed nothing, wrapping my legs around his waist. Roughly smacking my ass, causing me to yelp. He carried me into his bedroom where he laid me down on the bed, hovering his huge frame over mine.
Looking deep into my eyes, he breathed out, “Are you sure?”
“Yes.” I sat up enough to take my dress off, discarding it on the floor. Leaving me topless and exposed, wearing only my panties.
I knew he had seen me naked before, but right now, it felt like the first time all over again. I was so nervous laying there, waiting for him to do what he pleased with me. My heart beat at an uneven rate, threatening to erupt from my chest. Maybe it was the predatory look on his face or the fact that I had just seen another side to him. It also could have been from knowing I was going to touch him, feel him, and see him in ways I didn’t remember experiencing with this man.
“You’re so goddamn beautiful,” he praised with a sincere tone, standing above me at the edge of the bed. Pulling his shirt over his head, revealing his hard, toned, muscular body, covered in nothing but art.
It was then that I saw it, the name Maddie tattooed in small cursive lettering over his heart.
“When did you do that?”
“The day after she died.”
“How is this the first time I’m noticing it?”
“You weren’t lookin’ for it before.”
His eyes shifted, taking in every last inch of my body as if it was the first time he was really getting a good look at me.
“Spread your legs for me, baby.”
I timidly obeyed, willing my already shaking legs to move. Opening them, anxiously waiting for what I knew was to come. He released a loud growl that escaped from the back of his throat, adding fuel to the flames already burning inside me. Grabbing onto my thighs, he pulled me to the edge of the mattress and sank down on his knees.
I rapidly closed my eyes, and the familiar uncomfortable feeling returned with a vengeance. I was finding it hard to breathe as he kissed and licked his way up my thighs. Not understanding why the intimacy of what he was about to do felt so wrong. I bit my lip, pleading with my mind to let me go, let me live in the moment right here, right now with him. Enjoy the sensations his mouth would stir inside of me.
“Mia,” he muttered, making me look down at him. “Can I taste you? You wouldn’t let me before, but fuck, baby... I need to. I’m fuckin’ starvin’.”
His words struck a chord deep inside of me, mimicking the way I was feeling. And I wasn’t referring to the filthy things he said, but to the fact that this was the first time he would be doing this...
Is that why it felt wrong? Because I didn’t let him before? Why didn’t I let him?
I nodded, unable to speak. Forcefully pushing away the sentiments as best as I could.
My head fell back the second I felt his tongue on me. The closeness of his mouth to my most private area was a feeling that had me grabbing the sheets in a frenzy, and he’d barely even started to touch me. I expected him to be rough, but he was being so gentle, taking his time to devour me. Making me wet for him and only him.
“Oh God,” I whimpered in pleasure.