“But, Papi, what if—”
“Nothing! You hide!” he ordered in a harsh tone, making me jump. He never yelled at me before. “No matter what you hear or how much it hurts you to hear it… you hide, Mamita. Please… promise me you’ll hide,” he begged, his voice breaking.
I bit my lip, holding back my tears. I didn’t want him to see me cry. He was already sad enough. I always listened to what my papi said because I was his good little girl. I didn’t want to disappoint or let him down.
I stood tall, wanting to be his brave Amira. Needing to be strong for the both of us.
“I promise, Papi. I promise I will hide. I’ll hide and not come out until it’s safe, okay? I won’t come out until you tell me it’s safe, okay? You’ll tell me to come out, right, Papi? You promise you’ll come get me? After the monsters are gone?” I asked with quivering lips, my voice faltering.
My heart shattering.
With tears falling from his eyes, he simply stated, “I love you, my tiny shadow. No matter what, I will always be with you.” He placed one hand over my heart and the other on my doll. “In here.”
It wasn’t until that night that I realized… he never promised he’d come get me. I didn’t know how long I stayed in the shadows of the cubby, but it felt like forever. When I took my hands away from my ears, all I could hear were the men laughing. I moved Yuly away from my face, peeking through the tiny hole in the cabinet again. All I saw now was Damien’s back. He was behind Teresa, who was bent over on the couch cushion in front of her. He was moving his hips as if they were playing some sort of dancing game.
When Damien ordered, “Don’t fucking move,” to Teresa, I came out of hiding.
I made my way out of the safety of the small space as quietly as I could, needing to go get help. Clutching Yuly close to my chest, hoping she would cover the sounds of my rapidly beating heart. Thinking maybe they could hear it. I breathed a sigh of relief when I made it out of the kitchen without being seen. I softly walked down the hallway, where they couldn’t see me and I couldn’t see them. Stopping when I heard Teresa make a noise that sounded like a cry of pain but comfort too.
I heard Papi scream my name, from the chair he was tied to, before I even realized what I had done. It was too late to turn back. The gun in Damien’s hand was now pointed directly at me. I’d never seen a gun up close. I instinctively hugged Yuly harder.
Seconds turned into minutes and minutes seemed like hours as I stood there, anticipating the worst.
The next few moments of my life happened in slow motion. Mania erupted in our once loving home, but I didn’t hear a word that came out of anyone’s mouth. The sounds of my heart beating its way out of my chest took over my senses. My ears were ringing from the palpitations, and my vision tunneled. Papi’s words from a few weeks ago, mixed with the screams of my name, played like a broken record in my subconscious.
“Amira, promise me… You swear to me that you will hide. No matter what, you hide. And you hide until you don’t hear another word or scream.”
I could feel my body shutting down and my mind going into a dark place inside of me, where no one could hurt me. Shot after shot rang out, causing my body to jerk with each and every one of them. Bullet casings started falling to the floor followed by their bodies. I felt like I was suffocating from the emotions that I felt in a split second.
Regret.
Grief.
Anger.
Hope.
All of them hitting me at once, as if my papi, mami, and sister’s souls were holding onto mine for dear life. I didn’t think it was possible to feel so much and not physically die right along with them.
I was.
I had.
There was this imaginary line that was pulling deep within my bones. I felt it from my head down to my toes. It was flashes of the life that wasn’t mine anymore. My past taunting me and comforting me simultaneously.
My vision suddenly cleared when I faintly heard, “She’s yours now. She can be your daily reminder of the family you took away from her, and what happens when you betray me.”
All the night’s memories came tumbling down, burying me in the rubble of their blood. I couldn’t breathe, staring into the eyes of the man I thought was going to save us all. I was terrified that if I looked away, he would disappear. A huge part of me didn’t want him to leave. I knew if he did, I’d be alone with only my thoughts and feelings. The physical need to die with them.
The nightmares I would never survive.
The longer I stared into his eyes, the louder his internal thoughts got. Repeating… “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” over and over again with no end in sight.
This wasn’t a nightmare.
This was my reality now.
The monster in the night walked out of my home. Crossing the mangled threshold they so harshly brought down, with two of his men by his side. The home he destroyed with nothing but corruption, violence, and murder. Never once looking back at the reality that was now my life.
I was the first to break Damien’s intense stare, shifting my eyes to my sister, my father, and my mother…
They weren’t smiling.
They weren’t laughing.
They weren’t moving.
There was no soul, no life, no love.
Nothing.
They were all dead.
The string that connected me to the man named Damien snapped…
And I ran.
I ran on pure impulse toward my father, running as fast as my legs would allow me to go. Falling to my knees in all the blood pouring out of his unrecognizable face and body.
“Papi! You gotta wake up!” I coaxed, placing my trembling hand everywhere not knowing where to stop the bleeding. “Please… Papi… you gotta help me wake up Mami and Teresa… I can’t do this alone… so wake up now, okay?” I threw my arms around his body, shielding him from bleeding out with Yuly in between us. Closing my eyes as tight as I could. I cried over his body, shaking him so hard to wake up. “Remember, you promised you were going to take me to the city? We were going to see the world? Remember, Papi? You promised…”
He wasn’t moving.
He wasn’t waking up.
There was nothing I could do.
“I’m sorry, Papi! I’m sorry, I didn’t stay hidden. Please… don’t be mad at me… I’m still your good girl, right?”
“He’s fucking dead, you stupid girl. Your family’s dead. How’s it feel to be a fucking orphan?” one of the guards hollered from across the room.
I slowly sat up and stood, rooted in my spot, looking at the lifeless bodies. Taking in his words. There was so much blood all over me and Yuly, I couldn’t even see my skin. I bowed my head, so much guilt and regret hitting me harder than anything I’d ever experienced before.
Maybe if I would’ve stayed hidden they would still be alive?
Fresh tears leaked from my eyes, and it took everything in me not to continue to beg for his forgiveness.
“I asked you a question,” the man spewed, making me gaze up at him through the slits of my swollen eyes.