“You were going to let me go home without having this conversation?”
“My hope was to use every moment of this time for you to get to know me—the man I am now. I would’ve probably told you after you left or during our next visit. The main thing is, I just didn’t know how to tell you. How do you tell someone who believes in you, that maybe you’re not worthy? I’m ashamed, but it’s a chapter of my life I will never be able to erase no matter how hard I wish I could.”
“So, you didn’t want to have sex with me until I knew…”
“Yes. I didn’t know whether you’d still want to be intimate with me after you found out. And as much as it would kill me, I understand if you don’t.”
I was afraid to ask, “Do you have a disease?”
He was quick to answer, “No. God, no. I was always safe. I used condoms religiously, and I’ve been tested multiple times. The one consolation is that I’ve always had my head screwed on straight in that respect.”
“I don’t even know how to process this. I mean, I know it wasn’t like you did it with a hundred women. Most single guys sleep around all of the time, but I guess it’s the principle of this that’s so troubling.”
“I always intended to tell you, Rana. I just hoped for a little more time first. That’s all. I don’t blame you for being confused and upset.”
I wanted to comfort him, wanted to tell him it was going to be okay, but I couldn’t seem to get past my shock.
“I’m not going to lie to you, Landon. This is really upsetting.”
Devastating.
“I know. I’m sorry. In some ways I’m glad it came out tonight because I’m falling hard for you, and if there’s a chance that you don’t want to be with me, then the sooner I know that, the better.”
HOMECOMING
My eyes blinked open. Did last night really happen?
The clock showed 10AM, which meant that Landon and I only had a couple of hours left before he had to take me to LAX.
The fact that I was leaving today seemed surreal, and the entire conversation from last night was like a bad dream.
My throat was parched as I reluctantly pulled myself into an upright position. Landon was smoking on the balcony just outside the bedroom.
Wearing one of his long T-shirts, I slid the door open. “Good morning.”
He blew out the last of his smoke and put out the cigarette. “Hey…” His eyes looked bloodshot.
I cleared my throat. “You didn’t get much sleep.”
His voice was hoarse. “I didn’t sleep at all.”
“I was up for a while, but then I slept a little.”
“I know. I peeked in on you right when you had fallen asleep.” He smiled reluctantly. “I might’ve watched you for a little while.”
Looking out toward the water, I said, “I still haven’t processed what you told me last night, but I want you to know that I think it took an incredible amount of courage to admit that to me. You could’ve made up a story, told me that woman in the restaurant was the mother of one of your ex-girlfriends, something bogus like that. But you didn’t. You were honest with me, and I’m very grateful for that.”
“Admitting that to you was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I wish I knew what you were really thinking.”
“Even I don’t know what I’m really thinking. It hasn’t sunken in. So, it’s hard to know how I feel about it. It’s upsetting, yeah. But I guess I’m trying to convince myself that what happened in the past is not happening now. I have to learn to move past it. At least, I want to be able to do that.”
He examined my eyes. “But you’re not sure if you can.”
“I didn’t say that, Landon.”
“Just promise me one thing.”
“What?”
“Promise me you won’t be with me if you decide you’re ashamed of me. I can’t live with that. I don’t want to pretend with you. I love how real you are, Rana. And if you can’t accept my past, I need you to be up front with me about it.”
I nodded. “I’m just still in shock.”
“I understand. It would be unfair of me to expect anything else right now.”
I didn’t know what else to say, but I knew nothing was going to get figured out today. My plane would be taking off soon, and that overwhelmed me with sadness. Every bone in my body felt it.
He could see that I was chilly, because I was rubbing my arms. Landon opened the zipper to his hoodie and enveloped me in it, wrapping the material around my back and pulling me into his chest. I could feel his heart beating against mine. Even under the scariest of circumstances, he still managed to make me feel safe in his arms.
I felt like a hypocrite for having any doubts about him. He’d been nothing but honest and up front about his past, which was more than I could say for myself. As ugly as it was, he’d unleashed his demons. Mine were still locked up inside of me. My choosing not to reciprocate his honesty right now was nothing short of pure cowardice. But shifting the focus to me would’ve been too much to handle while we were still dealing with this.
I couldn’t guarantee how I was going to feel once I returned to Michigan. I just knew what I wanted right now, and that was for him to keep holding me. I wanted to ingrain this moment into memory.
Landon ended up being the first to break our embrace.
He was about to light up another cigarette when I said, “I really wish you’d stop.”
He put the lighter down. The cigarette moved between his lips as he asked, “You really want me to stop smoking?”
“Yes. It’s so bad for you. I really think you should stop.”
He paused and took the cigarette from his mouth. He suddenly crushed it between his fingers before letting it fall to the ground. Then, he took the pack out of his pocket and tossed it over the balcony. “Done.”
“That’s it?”
“Yes. That’s it.”
“Can you do that…just stop cold turkey?”
“I’ve slept on the couch and kept my dick in my pants the entire time you’ve been here. And I just admitted my most painful secret to the person who matters most to me in this world. Pretty sure I can handle just about anything now.” He cracked a slight smile. “You asked me to do something for you. And it’s something I’ve wanted to do for myself anyway. But now that I know it really bothers you, that’s an even bigger incentive. There’s probably nothing I wouldn’t do for you at this point.”
I knew he meant that.
“Wow. Okay. Thanks.”
“Thank you.”
The mood continued to remain somber. Landon led me to the kitchen where he prepared us a breakfast of bagels and coffee that we took down to the beach. In that sense, my last morning here was a lot like my first, aside from the dark cloud hanging over us this time.
The ride to LAX was quiet. Perhaps, we were mourning a certain innocence to our relationship that we would never get back.
Once at our destination, the sounds of the airport were all jumbled. Anxiety was starting to take its hold on me. Not only did I hate flying, but leaving Landon right now was definitely up there as one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.