“Daisy…” I murmured so low, my voice sounding so distant.
I knew she couldn’t hear me over her sobs of despair. I watched the scene from above us as if I was having an out of body experience. Her sobs would forever haunt me. I would remember her like this, always. A curled up, broken woman tucked away in the corner, waiting for someone to heal her.
“Baby…” I whispered against her tear-stained face.
Her cheek felt so warm against my cold skin.
“I’m sorry… I’m so fucking sorry…” I managed to say, kissing all over her face, soaking up her tears that were still falling from her torn eyes. “I love you… where’s my girl? Hmm… where’s my Daisy?” I whispered close to her ear so she could hear my sincerity.
She shook her head, closing her eyes, leaning away from me. At least that time she didn’t push me away.
“I’m sorry… I love you… please… baby… I love you…”
I sensed her resolve breaking. Her body betraying her like I had by giving into my embrace.
“I would never intentionally hurt you,” I reassured her, pulling her a little closer, feeling her warmth against my clammy exterior.
“I love you, Daisy. I love you more than anything. You know that. We’re best friends, remember?”
She winced still keeping her eyes shut. I pulled her hair back away from her face, grazing her cheeks with my trembling thumbs.
“You’re so fucking beautiful. I’m so lucky to have you, baby. You’re all I ever wanted. All I ever needed. I’m sorry… I’m so fucking sorry… you know I would die before hurting you. You know that. You’re my whole world.”
I shut my eyes, swallowing the bile that was rising in my throat. Leaning my forehead on her shoulder for support. I turned my face, laying soft kisses down her neck.
“Please… please… baby… I fucking love you…”
I kissed all along her cheeks again, savoring the feel of her against me. All while battling the urge to tear the box out of her hands. My eye’s fixated on it.
“Why do you keep doing this to me?” she wept, breaking down against my lips when I reached hers.
“Shhh… Shhh…”
I wrapped my arms around her, wanting her to seek the comfort she needed in my arms. Return the love that I always received from hers. I knew that I didn’t deserve it, but I was a selfish son of a bitch, I needed it. I held her shattering body in my trembling arms, physically feeling her soul breaking piece by piece. Every last part of her slipped through my hold. My limbs locked up on me from the slightest movements.
“Oh fuck… Daisy...” I groaned out in pure agony from everything.
Her swollen eyes suddenly opened, looking at me in a new light. We locked gazes for a second, taking each other in. As she reached up to wrap her arms around my neck, the box simultaneously fell from her grasp to the hard wood floor between us. The slow motion boom, echoed all around us. My mind was telling me no, but my body didn’t give it a second thought.
The ache won.
Betraying both of us.
I grabbed the box, and stood, my body moving on its own accord. Her arms slipped away from my neck, and I instantly missed her warmth.
Her love.
My Daisy.
My mind was raging war with my body, battling not to leave her there, broken. Struggling to not use again. Fighting for my life that was still sitting on the floor, realizing what I just did to her.
It wasn’t enough. It never was. I walked to the door without a second glance.
And left.
Chapter 36
<>Briggs<>
“Rock bottom.”
Two words I’d heard mentioned countless times in stories at the NA meetings. Every last addict repeating those two words, I never realized that I could have one too, not until that day. I thought after finding the drugs in the room that was supposed to be our baby’s and coming to the realization that he’d lied to me for the first time in over a year and a half, was my rock bottom.
Except it wasn’t.
He’d never chosen drugs over me.
I always came first.
No matter what, I was the most important thing. His demons, his struggles, his addiction were always secondary. Our love was number one, primary in all aspects of our fucked up lives.
I lost.
That was my rock bottom, and I couldn’t do it anymore.
I don’t know how long I sat there stunned by the turn of events. Crying my eyes out for what felt like the millionth time. The slamming of the front door jerked me away from my thoughts. There wasn’t an emotion left in my body for me to feel.
I raged with fury.
A decade of solitude and years spent void of any emotion. No love, an endless stream of hurt, pain, and emptiness always in my shadows. The barricade that surrounded my heart, never allowing me to leave, was a ticking time bomb that waited, had now exploded.
It was loud, disastrous, and chaotic.