“Just working,” I simply stated.
“Bullshit. We’re all fucking working,” Jacob chuckled. “And we all have kids. Try again, motherfucker.”
Dylan narrowed his eyes at me, and I played it off like I didn’t see it.
“We’re all fuckin’ adults now. We’re not kids, and we’ve all gone through shit,” Dylan added only looking at me. “Fuckin’ talk. No judgments here.”
I took another swig of my beer, leaning back into my chair, resting the bottle in my lap.
“There’s so much shit you don’t know,” I scoffed out, shaking my head. “I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
“How about from the beginning,” Jacob suggested.
All eyes were on me.
“No one has time for my life story.”
“Good, we don't want to hear how fuckin’ borin’ you are. What's been going on with Briggs?” Dylan asked.
“She was pregnant.”
They all jerked back, stunned. Dylan followed, “Was?”
“She woke up in a pool of her own blood one night. The doctor said it happens a lot I guess. I don’t fucking know.”
I shrugged like it was no big deal, when it was really tearing at my heart again. I took another swig of my beer, avoiding their stares.
“Fuck…” Jacob breathed out. “That’s rough to come back from. How is she?”
“I don’t even know.”
Lucas frowned. “What the fuck does that mean?”
“It means I’m a fucking asshole. From the second the doctor told us it was a miscarriage, I blamed her. I blamed the woman who has done anything and everything for me. The same woman that has saved my sorry ass more fucking times than I care to count,” I admitted out loud for the first time.
Immediately feeling like the piece of shit I knew I was.
“There’s got to be a reason you feel that way, Austin. We’re all fucking assholes. Especially that son of a bitch right there.” Lucas grinned, angling his beer toward Dylan. “We know you love her. You’re just as *-whipped as we all are.”
“Speak for yourself,” Dylan chimed in.
“You may not be with Aubrey, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want to be. Play that card somewhere else, McGraw,” Jacob called him out. “But this isn’t about you—”
“Listen, guys, I really appreciate this, but I don’t want to—”
“No shit, Austin. You never want to talk about it. It’s who you’ve always been. How far has that gotten you, huh?” Lucas countered, interrupting me.
The words were spilling out of my mouth before I even knew it.
“Briggs had a fucking abortion, alright? Happy now? Years ago. For reasons I don’t want to get into with you assholes. I think a part of me has never forgiven her for it. I love her more than anything and I don’t blame her for her choices, but I can’t help the way I feel. Her miscarrying just brings all that shit back up for me. I question whether the miscarriage had something to do with the abortion even though I don’t think that’s even physically possible. All my thoughts and feelings are irrational and fucking selfish, but there isn’t anything I can do to make them go away. So there…”
I drank the rest of my beer, placing it on the table. I stood shocked as shit that I had just shared that. I’d never told anyone.
“The fact that I even just admitted all of this to you makes me hate myself even more than I have since the miscarriage. I’m fucked up. I’m so fucked up in my head that it’s just a cluster of bullshit in a hollow place. I love her more than anything. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. She’s my reason. For everything.”
I took a deep breath, rubbing the back of my neck.
“Austin, we’ve all fucked up. Especially with our girls. You’re human, bro. You need to stop punishin’ yourself and just fuckin’ talk to her. I know that’s hard for any man, but fuck it,” Dylan advised.
“Have you talked to Aubrey? Huh? You forgiven her?” I threw back at him.
He winced. It was quick, but I saw it.
“Exactly.” With that I turned and left.
I grabbed our dinner order from the counter and got my sorry ass in the fucking car. Needing to get away from them. To get away from this fucking hell that has lived inside of me for God knows how long. I felt every minute of that drive home, down to every last second.
My mind raced.
My body craved.
My heart shattered.
By the time I made it home, I was running out of the car. Throwing the food on the island table, heading straight for the stairs. Taking them three at a time. My body came to an immediate stop, the force alone almost knocking me the fuck over.
The bedroom door was open. The room that was going to be our baby’s. The room that Briggs never went in.
The room I used for the sole purpose to betray her.