The irony was not lost on me.
“Baby, please…” I begged not knowing what for, as I leaned over, placing my hand on my stomach.
There were so many tears coming down Briggs’ face that I could barely see her eyes anymore. Her beautiful smile replaced with nothing but agonizing pain and despair.
“Please what, Austin? What are you jonesing for? What can I enable you with now?”
“Briggs…” I rasped, clearing my throat that felt like it was closing up on me.
Fighting back the ache in my bones. Willing my body not to betray me any further.
Betray her.
“For the longest fucking time I blamed myself for doing this to you. For bringing you into this lifestyle, practically shoving drugs at you,” she admitted with her head bowed.
The hurt from withdrawing and seeing her like this was causing me to die a little more inside. She slowly looked up at me, her hair falling away from her tear-streaked face.
With nothing, but emptiness in her eyes.
“I kept telling myself that you would have never become an addict if I wasn’t there to enable you. That I am truly the cause of your demise. This is one of my biggest excuses I use to forgive you over and over again. It’s one that I’m battling with right now as I sit here looking at the man that is supposed to love me, trying to find him under all his cluster fuck of lies. All I see is the man that has been lying to me for the last year and a half! I don’t know who you are anymore, and I’m starting to think I never did.”
“Jesus Christ, Briggs…”
I was starting to see spots, my vision coming in and out of clarity. I blinked a few times to no avail. I leaned up against the wall for stability. The last thing I needed right now was to give her another reason to fucking hate me.
“I fell in love with you when I was seventeen years old on a balcony without even knowing your name. I loved you then, did you know that? Now I can’t even fucking look at you. It kills me to fucking look at you! Do you have any idea how much I hate you for that! You were the only good thing in my life, Austin! The only fucking happiness I’d ever had! How could you do this to me! How could you make me hate you! I fucking hate you! I hate you so damn much! I hate your apologies! I hate your excuses! Your lies! Your fucking love! Especially because I can’t stop loving you! And I want to… I want to stop loving you so fucking bad it hurts everywhere inside of me. Especially here.” She put her hand against her heart. “But I can’t! I love you still and I fucking hate you for that!” she bawled, her body shaking so fucking hard it mirrored mine.
My girl stood there breaking in front of me and all I could do was stand there and watch her go down. I couldn’t comfort her. I couldn’t lie to her. I couldn’t do one damn thing but watch.
My body wouldn’t let me. It was dying right along with hers.
“Do you hear me?! Do you understand me?! I fucking hate you! I HATE YOU! Do you even care?! Am I even important to you?! Do I even matter to you anymore? Or have I been replaced by your demons, Austin? By your fucking drugs!”
“I love you more than anything,” I let out in one breath.
“LIAR! You’re such a fucking liar!” she screamed out so damn loud.
Her body gave out on her and she crumbled to the ground, rocking back and forth on her knees. I shuddered. It reminded me of a waterfall, she was a pile of nothing at the bottom. Clutching the box tight against her chest. Wanting to feel closer to our baby. Wanting to keep my stash that I so desperately needed right now to survive, away from me.
“Why do you keep doing this to me? Why can’t you just stop? Why do you keep hurting me? After everything we have been through! Everything you have put me through! Why can’t you just love me? Me, Austin. Your girl. Why am I not enough for you, like you are for me! Why?” she bellowed, question after question with no pauses in between.
Not giving me a chance to speak, even though I couldn’t get my goddamn mouth to move.
I fell to the ground in pure agony for her.
For how I was feeling right that moment.
Pain.
Sliding against the wall, inch-by-inch, feeling every word she said to me, piercing my soul. Feeling every sensation that coursed through my veins, breaking my heart and will to keep going. I needed to make this better, but I couldn’t get the fucking words out to talk to her.
My body wouldn’t let me.
The drugs had taken over.
It was like I was there, but I wasn’t. My body was in the room, but my mind was lost. I got on my hands and knees, and slowly crawled to her. Trying to reach for my angel as the devil clawed at my feet. Each movement made my sore muscles ache in ways I had never experienced before.