I stopped when I was a few feet behind him, taking in how handsome he looked with the full moon shining down on him. The soft lighting was all around us with the gentle breeze blowing by. I wrapped my arms around my waist in a comforting gesture, needing any solace I could find.
“I used to come here as a kid. Watch the waves roll in, smell the saltwater in the air. It used to be my favorite place to not feel so fucking lost. And here I am sitting in the same exact spot, more fucking lost than I've ever been.”
“So those two weeks of Hell that we both went through to get you clean." I paused, trying to fight back tears. "They were for nothing? Why do you need drugs to escape, Austin? Why can’t you just face life like everyone else?”
A single tear slid down my face onto the sand between us.
“I’m sorry, baby.”
“You know what the worst part is? I knew the second I held Bo that you would relapse. I didn't want you to see me with him. It’s why I went with Alex into his room. The second I heard her say your name, I knew it was too late. I knew with every fiber of my being you would be fucking weak, that you would betray me and use again. Just tell me one thing… did you already have them on you?”
“No. I’ve lived in Oak Island all my life, Briggs. It just took a phone call.”
“Do you have more?”
“I did but I threw it in the ocean.”
“And I'm suppose to believe you? I can’t do this anymore. I can’t—”
He was up and over to me in three strides.
“I won’t do it again. I promise. It was a one-time thing. I swear—”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I don’t lie to you. I’ve never lied to you.”
“Omitting the truth is lying. Jesus Christ, Austin, you don’t have to say it for it to be a lie.”
“Baby…” He reached for me, and I stepped back, even though all I wanted was for him to hold me.
“Don't fucking ‘baby’ me right now. I can’t go through watching you suffer again. I can’t keep going through this. Either you go to rehab or I’m gone. It's your choice.”
“I don’t need rehab. All I need is you.”
“If that were true, you wouldn’t have just used.”
<>Austin<>
I bowed my head, rubbing the back of my neck like I always did when I was pissed. I had no one to blame but myself.
“Fuck,” I groaned, kicking at the sand. “Fuck,” I said a little louder. “FUUUUCK!” I finally screamed out, grabbing a rock from the sand. “Goddamn it, fuck you!” I chucked it as hard as I could in front of me, cursing myself for being such a fuck-up.
Breathing heavily, heart pounding, mind battling. Fighting all my thoughts, all my emotions, every last sentiment pulling me deeper and deeper until I didn’t know which way was up or down. Knowing the difference between what was right and what was wrong didn’t matter. All of it consumed me as if I were drowning in the waves of the ocean.
Taking me further down the path of destruction.
My body was shaking.
My heart was breaking.
I couldn’t take it anymore, it was too much, and it was too fucking real. I peered back up at Briggs with my arms out in the air beside me.
Defeated.
Once again, fucking defeated.
With nothing but my remorse, my shame, my guilt.
“Do you think I want to be like this? Do you think I like being this fucking weak? This big of a goddamn *? Do you think I want to fucking live like this, Briggs? I hate myself right now! I hate that just watching you hold a baby in your arms can do this to me! Can make me run back to the one thing that will take you away from me! The one thing that fucking matters the most in my life! I don’t know how to be any other way! I don’t know how to feel, to cope and be fucking normal! Even though it’s all I want! I want that more than anything!” I yelled, struggling to keep it together.
“I can’t do this anymore, Briggs! I can’t fucking live like this! I feel like I’m dying, baby. I feel like I’m fucking dying! Every time you look at me the way you are right now. Every time I know that I have hurt you again! Fucking disappointed you! I didn’t think I could hate myself as much as I do right now! And I don’t know what to do! To make it better for me… for you!” I cried, broken, fucked-up tears falling down the sides of my face.
“Please… please… fucking help me. I don’t want to lose you, baby. I can’t live without you. I fucking love you! But I know…” I sobbed so hard my body shuddered to the core.
Taking down the last bit of strength I had. The last bit of courage that was left in me.
The last part of Austin.
I fell to my knees in pain. I couldn’t take it anymore and started bawling harder. I sobbed for the first time in front of Briggs, in front of the woman who was trying to save my life, while I just kept trying to destroy it.
My resolve broke like a chain that had been stretched to the max. I heard it snap loud and clear. Shattering into a million pieces, blending into the sand along with my demons. Except the shackles that were tied around my soul, my heart, and my mind were now secured tighter, restraining, pressing in so fucking deep. So fucking intensely, to the point of blinding agony. Dragging Briggs right along with me.