But I couldn’t stop. The gravitational pull was too strong. The force too powerful to fight against it.
“Awe, you look really good holding him, Briggs. It suits you. He’s usually fussy around new people, and he doesn’t even seem fazed by you. That’s a good sign, it means you’re going to be a great mom someday,” Alex said, ripping my heart out of my fucking chest with her words.
"Bo, you are so precious. Look at these chubby cheeks. Alex, he is going to be a heart breaker."
The dagger that was already lodged in my heart, twisted a little more.
"God help me if he's anything like his daddy," Alex laughed.
“I can’t wait. I want to be a mom so bad. To wake up and see a face like this everyday would melt my heart. I’d love to have a family since I didn’t really have one growing up. Holding him right now is making me wish I had one of my own.”
I willed my body to walk the fuck away. To walk back in the other direction. I didn't need to hear this, not now when I was struggling to stay clean. But I stopped when I heard my name.
“Austin would make an amazing dad, Briggs. He’s always liked kids. Even when we were younger and the other boys didn’t want anything to do with them.”
“Yeah…” Briggs replied in a sad tone. “I’d love that. To have a family with him. It’s all I’ve ever wanted,” she added her voice breaking. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m getting so emotional.”
“It’s okay. Baby Bo has that effect on women, he gets it from his dad.”
They laughed.
Before I knew it, I was standing in front of the room. Watching Briggs cradle and rock Bo as if he were her own.
As if he was ours.
She leaned her lips against his face and kissed his cheeks, looking at him adoringly, loving him immediately.
“Austin,” Alex announced, looking up.
Briggs grimaced, shutting her eyes almost instantly.
“Come meet Bo. Although, I don’t know if Briggs is going to give him up. I think she has baby fever. Maybe it’s time you—”
Briggs interrupted, "Alex."
Locking eyes with me.
There was so much sorrow behind them. She held everything she ever wanted in her arms. It was like my best dream and my worst nightmare right in front of my eyes.
Except there was no waking up.
This was my reality.
And that…
Was my biggest fucking demon.
<>Briggs<>
Call it intuition if you would, but the second I saw Austin coming out of the bathroom later that evening, I knew. Clear as fucking day he had just used. I wanted to call him out on it and yell at him for going back down this road again.
“What the hell are you doin’, man?” I overheard Dylan ask as I walked toward them.
“Not this shit again. Give me a fucking break,” Austin roared, raking him up and down.
“Wipe your nose a little better next time and maybe I won’t ask you.”
Austin immediately bowed his head, sniffling, cleaning his nose.
“Get out of my fucking sight before I search you,” Dylan warned.
Austin took a deep breath like he wanted to say something, but at the last second changed his mind, turned and left. I didn’t have to wonder what he was going to say.
I knew the chance of relapse would be high. I just didn’t think it would happen that fast. Which I guess made me really naive.
“How long has it been this fucking bad?” Dylan asked me, pulling me away from my thoughts.
I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. I stood there dumbfounded as much as he was.
“Jesus Christ,” Dylan whispered, tugging his long hair back at the nook of his neck. That's when I noticed he was strapped and right next to that on his holster was a shiny badge.
“You’re a cop?”
“Detective,” he corrected me.
I had no idea. Austin never talked about his friends.
“Well, thanks for not searching him.”
“He’s my fuckin’ brother, Briggs. I love him.”
“I know," I whispered, lowering my head, defeated.
He sighed. “I know he went through some shit after the car accident, but I thought… shit… I hoped he had worked it out. Especially having you by his side now. He fuckin’ adores you, that's not hard to see." He shook his head. "I’ve never seen him look at anyone like he looks at you.”
“I love him more than anything in this fucked up world. I’m trying, Dylan. I swear to God I’m trying. He's been clean up until now.”
“Try harder,” he simply stated and left.
I didn’t give our conversation too much thought. I needed to find Austin. After searching the house and asking if anyone had seen him, I found him. He was down at the beach, sitting in front of the shoreline with his arms draped over his knees. A cigarette in one hand.