“That’s the point, you two made it so it was rarely needed. You gave me such a gift. I knew it was a gift. I never took it for granted. The two of you were so fierce. Shylah is sensitive, and kind, yet she kicked ass. You were like the sweetest, and you could do whatever was needed, but I let you both down every mission.”
“You didn’t, but keep going. So far, I don’t see the betrayal,” Bellisia prompted.
Zara rubbed the hem of her shirt again as if she could make a genie appear and whisk her away. Or Gino. She didn’t want to admit any of this to Bellisia. She looked up to her. Loved her. She detested disappointing the few people she loved—the few who loved her.
“I needed something to contribute to the three of us. The only thing I had to give the two of you and the other girls was a taste of what was out there in the world.”
“And you did. I can’t tell you what that did for all of us. The stories you told. All the adventures you had. The parties at school. The walks through open parks and the various countries you were able to visit. The contraband you risked so much to get to us. You gave that to us, Zara. You made the world come to life for us and that instilled hope. You also kept us knowing there was something out there, either to fight for and keep safe, if our lives were always in the compound, or to escape and become part of the real world. You gave all of us that.”
Zara nodded. “I know I did. I worked hard at it. I tried to become an observer, a recorder, a storyteller, so I could give the best of everything to you. You deserved it.”
“We needed it,” Bellisia corrected.
That was true. Zara had known that at a very young age. She’d known all the girls had to have hope. She became that hope for them, and she lived that lie for years. For them. She had nothing else to give them when they gave her so much. She hated telling Bellisia the truth, but she had to. It wasn’t fair to be angry at Bellisia when Zara had deliberately deceived her.
“I don’t like being out in the world alone. I felt exposed and vulnerable, just the way I did when we went into battle. I hated school when I was so young and everyone ignored me, made fun of me or tried to push me around. I was petrified. I was terrified when I traveled. Absolutely terrified. Of everything. Of taking a plane alone. Riding in a taxi alone. Checking into a hotel. The worst was standing up in front of all those people and talking about whatever project I’d headed, knowing I was stealing from them. It was a nightmare for me. The last thing I want to do is continue that life.”
The words came out in a rush, and she didn’t know if she’d said enough that Bellisia would understand that the person she’d grown up with and loved wasn’t at all the real one. She was fake. Zara had manufactured her so that she could give them something—so she could fit in and feel as if she belonged. It wasn’t at all the real Zara, but she’d done what she’d thought was right. Once she’d started down that path, there was no going back from it.
Bellisia stared at her for what seemed forever. She finally took a deep breath. “Baby, did you think we wouldn’t love you for who you really are?”
“I didn’t love me. I wanted to be like you and Shylah. I really did. Both of you are so beautiful, strong and funny and everything you do is right. I was the screwup and both of you always had to protect me. You loved the fact that I’m smart. You loved that I could go out of the compound and bring home those stories. I wanted to give them to you.”
“Honey, don’t you realize that Shylah and I loved you for you? Not your brain or your stories, but for you. That sweet, gentle girl who saw every hurt we had and attended to us. You matter to us. You’re our sister. Whitney would have sent you out no matter what. In fact, he probably would have insisted you go out twice as often if he realized you didn’t like it. I would have cherished those stories even more, knowing how difficult it was for you to go.”
“I’m sorry for not telling you the truth, but I couldn’t bear to be that person in your eyes. Whitney already despised my cowardice and I didn’t want you to as well. I couldn’t have stood to see that look in your eyes.”
“Zara, how could you think that?”
“Because I thought it of myself. I still do, although I’m trying to get his voice out of my head and listen to the people I know care about me. I hate that I’m like this. I want to be like you. Like Cayenne. Even Pepper has a reason she can’t fight. Gino told me she gets brain bleeds around too much violence. I don’t have any excuse at all.”
She looked down at her hands. Gino was slowly making her feel as if she wasn’t the coward Whitney had called her, and now, Bellisia was backing up his claim. Better to believe the two people she loved than a man she had grown to despise. Now it just had to sink into her brain and override her lifetime of insecurities.
“You don’t need an excuse. Not everyone has to be that person, Zara. You know you can fight if necessary. You’re proficient enough to take on most people, and if push comes to shove, you always have your last line of defense. I don’t fight on land. I’m too small, especially against Whitney’s supersoldiers. You have to know your strengths and weaknesses.”
“I know mine, I just don’t want anyone else to know them.”
Bellisia sank down into the rocker next to Zara’s and drew her legs up. “Ezekiel is good for me. Maybe Gino’s good for you, but he does scare me a little. I’m not going to lie about that.” She hesitated. “Or the fact that I was a little jealous that you relied on him and not me.”
Zara couldn’t help but laugh. “Jealous? Bellisia, I was so jealous of Ezekiel I couldn’t even look at him. The minute you said you wanted to tell him about the SSD I was so upset I couldn’t stand myself. I don’t know why I trusted Gino so fast, maybe it really is because he rescued me and I’ve relied so heavily on him, but it didn’t feel that way even then. Now, he feels as if he’s a part of me. Maybe the best part.”
Bellisia shook her head. “I don’t like that you sell yourself short, Zara. It isn’t healthy. You can’t get into a relationship if you don’t know yourself and feel as if you’re bringing something equally of value to that other person.”
“I think I’m doing that for him,” Zara said. “I hope I am. He says I am. I don’t like being away from him, and he doesn’t seem to mind sticking close.”
“Honey, you can’t even walk right now. Of course you’re relying on him.”
Zara glanced around the yard and then turned a speculative gaze on Bellisia. “Do you think it’s Whitney? Could he have paired us somehow? Is that what you think?”
Bellisia frowned. “It’s possible but not probable. In any case, what if he did? He can’t do it emotionally so that’s all you and Gino.”
Zara let out her breath. “We talked about pairing, but not in the context of us. I just want something real.” She wanted Gino to fall in love with her, not have him want her because Whitney had decreed they should be together.
“Gino is about as real as it gets. I’m here for you, no matter what. If Gino’s your choice, then I’ll make every effort to get to know him and have an open mind while I do it, but promise me you’ll take into consideration what I told you about Joe’s father and Gino’s background with him. Also, the fact that you still can’t walk and can’t do anything else but rely on him.”
“Gino is my choice, Bellisia.” She was decisive. Firm. Assertive. She recognized her path and she wanted to stay on it because, for her, Gino was the perfect man and she knew it. “Like Ezekiel’s your choice. He’s already making plans to build me a research center. He told me to give him the list of the things I need for it. He isn’t expecting me to sit in a house waiting for him. He knows I need to work, that I want to and it’s important to me. Because it’s important to me, it’s important to him.”
Zara could see the struggle on Bellisia’s face. She wanted to believe. She wanted Gino, if that was Zara’s choice, to be right for her.
“Have you … ”
“Yes. And it was awesome. He’s awesome. I had no idea it could be like that.”