“Autumn,” Jeff said, and I met his eyes. He was wheeling himself around the van we must’ve just emerged from. “Calm down. It’s just us.”
I looked around to see Lisa and Zach, Connor, Morgan and Avi, too. They were all staring at me like I was a little bit crazy. I wiped at my face, still trying to figure out where I could run to.
“You knew it was us, right?” Lisa asked.
“She saw me and heard us the entire time,” Dallin said. “I don’t know what she’s freaking out about.”
“Nothing. I’m freaking out about nothing. That’s what happens sometimes when you have an anxiety disorder and someone shoves a bag over your head and ties you up. I have anxiety!” I yelled this at the top of my voice. “Does that make you happy, Dallin? To know that you just triggered an attack?”
As one, my group of friends seemed to step closer to me, closing the circle.
“I can’t,” I said. “I just need space. Just give me some space.” I pushed between Lisa and Avi and ran across the parking lot all the way to the greenhouse, where I shut myself inside and tried to figure out how I was going to get home.
CHAPTER 45
I felt the burst of wind through the door before I realized someone had opened it. For the last fifteen minutes I had sat huddled on the dirty floor of the greenhouse analyzing my performance tonight. It was pretty epic. Me, looking crazed and wild, yelling about panic attacks, while my friends wondered how their practical joke had resulted in such a major overreaction. I knew I had been overreacting at the time, but it wasn’t something I could stop. And now, outside of it, when my body had calmed down and my tears were dry, I knew it even more. I wondered who else had seen me in that parking lot, surrounded by my friends like I was some feral cat they were trying to tame. They’d said Dax was there. Had he already gone into the gym by that time? I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to think about Dax. Until now, when the door opened and for one heart-stopping moment, I thought it might be him.
But it wasn’t. It was Jeff. He was standing, his wheelchair abandoned behind him. A single light outside the building reflected off the fog on the glass and created an eerie glow over the dead plants around me.
“Hey,” he said, walking slowly. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was still unsteady on his feet or if it was for my benefit.
I stood up and brushed off my pants. “Hi.”
“You okay?”
“Getting there.”
He came to a stop next to me and leaned up against a long table.
“So you have anxiety attacks?”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell us?”
“Because I didn’t want you to treat me different.”
He nodded back toward the door. “You wanted us to treat you the same?”
I laughed a little. “I thought I did. But I guess not.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said. “I should’ve told you. I should’ve told everybody.”
He put his hand on my shoulder. “I’ve been looking for you for the last fifteen minutes. Lisa wanted to come too. She was worried about you.” He met my eyes, his soft and questioning. “Should I have let her?”
“No. We need to talk.” I couldn’t put this off anymore.
“Is this about Dax Miller?”
“Dax is . . . was . . . a good friend. I had hoped for more. I care about him. But he’s not into me like that.”
“So I’m second choice?”
“No. Jeff, you know I care about you, but not like that.”
He laughed, which surprised me. “Ouch. So I’m no choice at all.”
His ever-present smile was on, and I couldn’t tell if it was to hide his hurt or if this really wasn’t affecting him at all.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“I want to throw a major tantrum right now because I really want you to like me.”
“But?”
“But that would be ungrateful of me. You’ve given up a lot of time for me over the past several weeks. My mom told me how much you’d been by and how much you helped. So even though I wish you liked me as much as you like Dax, I’m going to be a big person, swallow my pride and hurt, and tell you to go be happy . . . after I kiss you.”
“Tha—wait, what?”
“If you’ll let me, of course. We’ve flirted around our feelings for months now and I just want to see if it would seal the deal for me at all. I’m an exceptional kisser.”
“I . . .” Was he being serious? I couldn’t tell with Jeff. We had flirted for months, and maybe it would help. Liking Jeff would make my life so much easier. “I don’t want to lose you as a friend. Wouldn’t that just make things weird?”
“What if I promise not to be weird after?”
More rules. And it seemed like none of them had stuck. I knew I didn’t owe this to Jeff, but maybe I owed it to myself. So that I never looked back and wondered what would have happened if I had.