By Wednesday, it was like the summer holidays had never happened. Daily life at Esther’s was back in full swing and my homework schedule was already suffocatingly full. My supposedly optional after-school activities had once again taken over my free time. The old allegiances and grudges, built up over the last four years and sometimes even longer, had been reinstated.
My own friendship group had remained pretty much the same since Year 7, a somewhat disparate group of girls who didn’t quite belong to any of the cliques. This suited me perfectly, because I already had Rosie and all I really wanted was a group I could fade comfortably into during school hours. Mishka, Allison, Kesh and I had formed our friendship in the first few days of Year 7 and had clung to each other ever since.
‘The thing that you want to think about,’ Kesh was saying as we waited in line at the canteen, ‘is whether he’s actually better than any of the other guys out there. And if he’s not, what’s the point?’
‘That’s irrelevant,’ Mishka said. ‘Other guys, whether they’re “better” or not – and what does that even mean? – aren’t viable options.’
‘Why not?’ Kesh demanded.
‘Because they’re not interested?’ Mishka said, like it was obvious. We were talking about Ty, the boyfriend she’d spent most of her summer with despite the fact that he sounded like a bit of a prick.
‘I’m sorry?’ Allison said, her eyebrows raised. ‘Are you actually saying that the only reason you’re with him is because there’s no one else?’
‘Obviously,’ Mishka said flatly, and I laughed.
‘Don’t you like him at all?’ Allison pressed.
Mishka shrugged. ‘He’s not bad. But I mean, I’m not going to marry him or anything. Caddy, can you pass me that chicken-salad wrap?’
I leaned over, grabbed the last wrap and handed it to her. A girl behind us let out a groan.
‘It makes sense to me,’ I said.
‘Oh, not you too.’ Kesh looked disappointed. ‘You’re supposed to have standards and force them on the rest of us.’
I rolled my eyes. Two years ago I’d refused the weed offered to me at Kesh’s birthday party and had made sure none of my other friends smoked any. That had been during my pious phase and I probably wouldn’t say no now, but none of them had ever let me forget it. I had become the moral one, and it was a reputation I couldn’t figure out how to shake off.
‘I’d take anyone who showed any interest in me,’ I said. ‘I’ll start having standards when I’m lucky enough to have choices.’
‘Exactly,’ Mishka said. ‘Thank you, Caddy.’
‘You’re all crazy,’ Kesh declared.
‘Excuse me, I’m not crazy,’ Allison said. She’d been with her boyfriend for almost two years, and usually listened to these kinds of conversations with an annoying smile on her face.
‘Well, can you tell Mish that she shouldn’t waste time on little boys like Ty?’ Kesh said, taking a bottle of water from the cabinet.
‘Is that all you’re having for lunch?’ Allison asked instead, pointing at the side salad, which was the only other thing on her tray.
‘You know what,’ Mishka said quickly, when Kesh’s face dropped ominously, ‘you’re probably right. Maybe Ty is a waste of time. But that’s fine with me for now, OK?’
‘Speaking of wasting time,’ Allison said brightly, ‘do you guys have plans this Friday? We could go to the cinema.’
‘I’m seeing Rosie,’ I said.
‘Of course you are.’ Allison made a face. ‘What about you two?’
They made plans together as I dug my fork into my spaghetti. I’d never felt much like I was missing out when they spent social time together without me. Rosie had been around long before they’d entered my life, and I knew she’d be there after they’d left it. That was the security of a best friend, and that meant everything.
On Thursday, ten minutes before her 9 p.m. phone curfew, Rosie called. ‘Hey!’ she said when I took the phone from my mother. ‘Just a quick one.’
‘Hey,’ I said. ‘How are—’
‘Can’t talk long,’ Rosie interrupted. ‘Just wanted to tell you there’s a change of plans for tomorrow night. Luke’s parents are away for the weekend so he’s having a party. Me and Suze are going, and she’s going to stay at mine after.’
‘Oh,’ I said.
‘I’ll see you on Saturday evening maybe? Or Sunday?’
‘OK. Um, who’s Luke?’
‘From our form. His brother is in the sixth form, so it should be amazing.’ She sounded giddy.
‘I thought you hated those kinds of things.’
‘No, you’re thinking of you.’ Ouch. ‘There’ll be alcohol, so it’ll be fine. Hey, you want to come? You should come!’
‘I won’t know anyone.’ I’d tried going to parties with Rosie’s friends in the past, and it hadn’t exactly gone well. I was too anxious and awkward around people I didn’t know, and so usually ended up trailing after Rosie for the whole night. It was not fun for either of us. She hardly ever asked me any more.