‘High?’ I said, confused. ‘When was she high?’
‘John,’ Mum said pointedly. I caught the look she gave him, and it occurred to me for the first time that maybe Sarah really was telling her things about Suzanne that I didn’t even know. The thought threw me, so I pushed it away. Mum turned back to me. ‘We’re very concerned about your friendship with this girl,’ she said calmly. ‘I’ve told you that before. If it’s getting to this – drinking and not being where you say you are, well, that’s a problem.’
‘You can’t blame her for me drinking,’ I said. ‘Everyone drinks.’
‘You are sixteen,’ Dad said slowly, enunciating each syllable. ‘Do we really need to remind you of that?’
‘Dad,’ Tarin put in at this point, ‘all sixteen-year-olds drink. I’m sorry, but they just do. You can’t expect Caddy to go to a friend’s party where there’s drinking and her not to drink.’
‘That is exactly what I expect.’ Dad smacked his hand against the table, making us all jump. His voice had risen. ‘We raised you better than this, Cadnam. You don’t take the drink just because it’s handed to you. You say no.’
I looked at him, trying to figure out how he could be so oblivious. I’d been drinking at parties with my friends since I was thirteen years old. My parents could have raised me however they wanted, but I’d still have grown up in the world.
‘We’ve never had any concerns about your friendship with Rosie,’ Mum put in, ‘and I think that’s significant. I thought you were sensible enough to not go along with this kind of behaviour. I’m disappointed to find out you’re not.’
Tarin, standing behind Mum and still leaning against the counter, rolled her eyes at this.
‘Some people are toxic, Caddy,’ Dad said. ‘Some people are more trouble than they’re worth.’
I thought about Suzanne standing patiently at my side while she straightened my hair and talked to Rosie about Liam; showing me how to jerk the shot glass so I’d barely taste the spirit; clutching my arms and crying in the middle of the street.
‘She’s not toxic,’ I said. ‘She’s just sad.’
‘Well, that’s not your problem,’ Dad said again. My dad, the doctor. My dad, who’d caught spiders from my bedroom walls and released them with gentle fingers into the garden. ‘I don’t want to see her in this house again. She’s not welcome here.’
I looked at Mum, feeling the sting of imminent tears in my eyes. She sighed. ‘If you want better consequences, Caddy, you need to make better choices.’
There was worse to come.
Rosie turned up on my doorstep in the middle of the afternoon, a total surprise. Though she was polite to my mother, who let her in, I could see something simmering under her smile. Sure enough, when she and I were alone together in my room, it came out.
‘I’m going to tell you straight away,’ she said, her voice already shaky, ‘because there’s no point dancing around it. I’m really mad. And upset. With you.’
My whole body went cold with dread.
‘Don’t look like that. Don’t make me feel guilty before I’ve even started.’ Her face was red, her eyes blazing. But still she looked more hurt than angry, which was maybe the worst thing about it. ‘Can I at least yell at you first before you make that face?’
I tried to calm my racing heart with rationalizations. This was Rosie. My best friend. Even if she was angry, even if she yelled, it would pass.
‘Go on then,’ I said, trying to steel myself. ‘Yell at me. What did I do?’
I knew what I’d done.
‘You know what you did!’ Rosie burst out, her hands flailing awkwardly, like she wasn’t sure what to do with them. ‘You left me. You left me in fucking Levina’s house and you didn’t even say. I was looking for you.’
‘Suzanne was—’
‘I don’t give a fuck about Suzanne. This is about you. You’re my best friend. I’m supposed to be your best friend. And I’m the fucking moron walking around trying to find you, and then Tariq of all people finally tells me that you’ve gone. And you know, I actually didn’t believe him. I was like, obviously they haven’t gone. Caddy wouldn’t go without me.’
‘I texted you—’
‘So?’ she exploded. ‘A text? I wasn’t looking at my phone! Why didn’t you at least tell me you were leaving?’
‘I almost did,’ I said quickly. ‘I came to find you before we left, but you were with Liam, Roz, and I didn’t think that I should disturb—’
‘Oh for fuck’s sake, Caddy,’ Rosie interrupted, her voice suddenly snide. ‘You’re seriously trying to say you thought I’d be so wrapped up in Liam that I’d be fine with you disappearing with Suze, when you were supposed to be staying at my house? When Mum came to pick us up she was like, “Where are the girls?” And I had to say, “They left without me.”’
I felt sick with guilt now. In the afternoon sunlight, in the normality of my bedroom, I could see how right she was. How wrong I’d been.