The three boys are fighting hard but all three of them are cringing in pain as the emperor slams his staff into their bodies, over and over again. They look like they’re going to fight to the death for us, and that is something I can’t let happen. They saved each of our lives numerous times, maybe I can repay the favor.
“Emperor!” I say as I jump to my feet. I hide the smoking joint behind my back as he turns his beady eyes onto me. “Bring me to your planet and breed me,” I say with my hands shaking.
I didn’t think this through. It all happened so fast and now that his creepy eyes are on me, I’m kind of regretting it.
My eyes fall on Straykeer who is staring at me with a crushed look on his face. My heart breaks for him. For what he is feeling. I really hope this works.
“Take me home,” I say, walking right up to the emperor.
He’s so tall and even scarier in person. The two antennae on his head are poking the air, pointing right at me. The disgusting fingers on his lips are stroking his thin lips. A cold shiver snakes down my back. This was a bad idea.
“Mandy!” Rolanda shouts out as I get within the emperor’s reach. “What the hell are you doing?”
“I’m going with my true love,” I say, trying my hardest to smile at the horrible creature by my side. “I love you, Emperor Rsordan. Please, kiss me.”
Everyone is just staring at me in shock, except for Tin Tom who is rambling on about a missing pot of gold.
The emperor’s black eyes shine as he reaches up to take off his helmet. I quickly turn and take a hit of the trabaca leaf joint in my hand. I fill my mouth up with the devil smoke, trying really hard not to inhale any of it. That was one trip that I really don’t want to take again.
Emperor Rsordan drops his helmet to the ground and leans forward to kiss me. When he gets in nice and close I blow a cloud of smoke into his face.
His head jerks back and his eyes widen as the smoke flows into his lungs.
“Wha-” he gasps, whipping his head from side to side as he starts to see the evil demons that the smoke brings.
“Get away!” he screams as he raises his staff and swings it forward.
I should duck, really I should, but I just stand there staring at the beautiful purple electricity as it comes barreling at my head.
A strong hand grabs the waistband of my shorts and yanks me back just in time. I feel the crackle of electricity as the staff whizzes by my face, just grazing my nose.
Big muscular arms wrap around me, pulling me away to safety. “Straykeer,” I whisper as he spins me around.
“You are now a warrior, Mandy,” he says before scooping me up and throwing me over his shoulder. A smile creeps across my face. I guess that I kind of am.
“Stay here, my beautiful warrior,” he says as he plants me beside Avery who is still hiding behind the rock.
He runs back to the fight and I peek over the rock to watch. Emperor Rsordan is swinging his staff in the air, screaming at his invisible enemies.
“Wahhhalla!” he screams as he throws his staff away and starts clawing at his face.
“What did you do to him?” Avery asks, watching him in horror.
“Remember that time that we went camping and smoked that bad weed?” I ask.
Avery chuckles. “You kept worrying that a Bigfoot was going to come into our tent.”
“Right,” I say, watching as Emperor Rsordan rips off his armor, scratching the millions of bugs that he thinks is crawling all over his skin. “Multiply that bad trip by a billion, and then add some tainted Chinese food and a couple of dozen hits of acid.”
“Oh,” Avery says, her eyes widening.
“Get off of me!” Emperor Rsordan screams in a high pitched voice. “They’re everywhere! Everywhere!”
He’s jerking his head from side to side, screaming at the air.
Turic, Pontuck, and Straykeer all draw their weapons and converge on him as one. The Emperor is on his knees, tripping balls. He’s in a bad place, I know because I was there, and I don’t feel bad for him at all. He fucking deserves it.
The three blueberries surround him and then strike at the same time. Turic sinks a dagger into his chest, Pontuck stabs his stomach with an arrow and Straykeer brings a sword down, chopping off his head.
Emperor Rsordan’s severed head falls to the ground and rolls away from his body. Rolanda rushes over and kicks it like a soccer ball, making it sail through the air. It lands with a thud in the dirt.
“Fuck you!” she says, giving the finger to the severed head.
It’s over.
Emperor Rsordan and his aliens are dead, but so are the chances of us returning to earth. They were the only ones who knew how to fly the spaceships and now they’re all gone.
Straykeer struts over, slides his hand around my lower back, and yanks me against his body. He seals my lips with his and devours my mouth.
“Mmmmmm,” I moan as his tongue dances with mine. I wouldn’t want to leave even if I had the choice.
***