The Tyrannosaurus Rex is staring at me with her tiny eyes. Her teeth are the stuff of nightmares. Her tail the stuff of horrors. Her tiny hands the stuff of…well, her tiny hands are kind of funny looking.
She opens her massive jaws and lets out a squeaking roar that has my heart pumping like a fucking jackhammer on steroids. I swallow as I look around for a weapon. A rock. A stick. Anything.
If I’m going to die, I’m going to die fighting.
Because that’s how we do shit on planet earth.
There’s nothing but dirt and rocks that I couldn’t possibly lift up around me so I stuff my hands in my pockets hoping for a miracle. Maybe a rocket launcher.
The key to my tiny apartment.
It’s all I have. I must have left my rocket launcher in my other shorts.
I slide the key between my fingers and hold up my fists, hoping that maybe the T-Rex will die of laughter.
She doesn’t look intimidated in the least. Hungry, yes. Intimidated, no.
I really wish Turic was here. I’d even take Tin Tom.
The dinosaur lowers her gigantic head and lets out a deafening roar that coats me in hot saliva. It leaves my ears ringing so loud that I can’t hear anything. At least I won’t be able to hear her chewing me alive.
She rears up on her two skyscraper legs and roars again. At least I think she does. I can’t hear anything.
I hold my fist up with the key clenched between my fingers and close my eyes with my ears ringing, waiting for the teeth to slice into me.
I cringe as I feel a whoosh and then a thump on the ground that throws me backward with a concussive force. I grunt as I slam into the hard ground, scraping up my elbows.
The impact was even stronger than when the T-Rex landed and I don’t want to imagine the size of the beast that landed that hard. My right eyelid creeps open for a peek. “What?” I open both of my eyes with a gasp, staring forward in disbelief.
There’s a huge, sizzling, smoking meteor dug into the spot where the T-Rex was standing a moment ago. It’s the size of a house and a stream of red blood begins to leak out from underneath.
“Wow,” I say still not able to hear anything over the ringing in my ears. I wish I had my eyes open to see that.
I can feel the heat radiating from the rock and it’s so hot that I have to crawl back. My thoughts are fuzzy. I can’t seem to think straight as I stare at it.
That hunk of rock just saved my life. I’d give it a hug if it wasn’t glowing red hot.
My hearing comes back to chants of “Saku.” Over and over again. “Saku! Saku! Saku!”
I grunt as I push up to me knees with my apartment key still clutched in my fist. “Saku! Saku! Saku!” It gets louder and louder, echoing through the canyon.
When I turn and look back at the Drandroka they all drop to their knees, bowing their blue heads to the ground. “Saku! Saku! Saku!”
“That’s right!” I scream as I push up to my feet. I slam my fist against my chest with a King Kong thud. “I AM THE FUCKING SAKU!”
Maybe not. But they don’t have to know that.
thirteen
I walk back into the village like a goddamn warrior princess.
Wait until Turic gets a load of this. He’s going to shit his animal skin loincloth.
“Where’s Loupin?” I holler, with my army of loyal blueberries following behind me. I storm through the village calling his name. “Loopy. Loupster. Shoop-a-loop! Where are you, you leathery little fuck?”
He steps out of a Hobbit-hole house with a look of mixed shock and terror on his face.
“Didn’t expect to see me again? Did ya?” I say, wagging my finger in his face. “Well, that’s right. I am the fucking Saku!”
He drops to his knees and bows, splaying his body on the ground like a squished spider. “Oh no,” I say with my hands on my hips. “It’s a little late for that shit. Where’s my Sexy Smurf?”
“Smurf?” one of the Drandroka behind me asks.
“Turic. Bring me to Turic.”
He darts away and I have to sprint as fast as I can to keep up. Fuck these guys move fast.
Speedy Smurf brings me to a tall gray tree with no leaves. My Turic is there. Tied up with his head dipped down, his chin on his chest. He looks devastated.
“Thanks, Cookie Monster,” I whisper to the Drandroka behind me. “Give us a minute, will ya?”
“Pontuck,” he whispers back.
“Huh?”
“Pontuck’s name is Pontuck,” he says with his blue head bowed. His long, dark, blue hair is tied up in a bun on the top of his head. He looks like a hunter with the quiver of feathered arrows strapped to his back and the tall bow wrapped around his muscular shoulder.
“Well, from now on your name is Cookie Monster,” I say, tapping the silky bun on his head. “The Saku commands it.”
He raises his head with a proud gleam in his eye. “Cookie Monster,” he whispers to himself as he stands a little taller with his chest thrust out and his shoulders back. “Thank you, glorious Saku, for this wondrous honor. You fill Cookie Monster with great pride.”
I shrug. “I do what I can. Now please, leave us.”