I even—and this is so fucking gross—took the kid's temperature with one of those butt thermometer things you're supposed to use. Nothing. No temp. The kid is fine.
“Okay, okay, I give up,” I say, putting Sadie back in the crib so I can scramble around and get the rest of the pack ready for school. Brooke had some school thing and bailed early so it's just me, myself, and fucking cocksucking I. “Where's the dog?” I ask as I pause next to the mirror and find that my hair is sticking out every which way; I look like a crazy person right now. Fuck, I feel like a crazy person.
“In the front yard,” Bella says, standing next to the door as Grace giggles and rushes down the sidewalk towards the road.
Holy. Goddamn. Hell.
I sprint outside and snatch the little monster under the arms right as a car zooms by and honks at me, flipping us off out the window as they jam down a residential street at fifty miles an hour. Fucker.
“Who let you out?” I ask the kid as she laughs and I drag her back to the front door, pausing to notice the distinct lack of dogging dogs. As gross as it is to see a Chinese crested mounting an ancient toothless chihuahua, I feel a wave of dread when I can't find the horrid sight anywhere in the yard. “Where are the dogs?” I ask Kinzie and Bella. “And who opened the front door?”
“They had to go to the bathroom,” Bella explains as she tosses chocolate hair over her shoulder like her aunt. “So I let them out. Then they started dogging. I don't know where they are now.”
I groan and slap my hands to my face.
“Okay. Get in there and find some clothes for school. We're already running late, okay?”
I usher the demons back into their lair and shut the door, jogging down the sidewalk to look for the stupid rats. God, I hate little dogs. As I'm running, my phone starts to buzz in my pocket.
It's Rob.
“Uh, yeah? Kind of busy right now.”
“Well make some time. Are the kids in class?” I'm panting as I run, realizing as I catch the curious stares of neighbors that I'm not actually wearing a shirt. Oops. I took it off after one of the twins slapped a sucker onto my back and the damn thing wouldn't come off. Told ya: their spit is like glue.
“Not exactly,” I say as stop at the corner and look around. No dogs in sight. Shit. I should've checked to see how many of the rats were missing. Aren't there like four chihuahuas or something? Or is it three? “We're running a bit late here. Look, Rob, I don't have a lot of time to chat. What do you want?”
“Wow. Just wow. Thanks for asking after Mercedes' parents, you asshole.”
I start jogging back in the opposite direction, although I do cringe a little. He's kind of right. But then, he's also a complete dickhead.
“Last time I talked to you, you said they were stable. Did something happen?”
“They're doing great actually, thank you for finally asking. The doctors are saying we may actually be able to take them home tomorrow.”
“Killer,” I say as I move past the house … and find the twins in the driveway with chalk, still wearing their My Little Pony pajamas. “Hey. Get your asses back in the house and get dressed for school.” The identical little devils screech and throw their chalk on the lawn, disappearing into the open front door of the house. I'm still standing there when the other two chihuahuas make a break for it. “Oh no you don't.” I hook my broken cell phone between my ear and shoulder as I scoop the dogs up, one in each hand.
“Did you just curse at my children?” Rob roars over the phone as I struggle to get the dogs inside. “You better be talking to somebody else.”
“Of course I'm not talking to the kids,” I lie as I head back inside and toss the rat dogs onto the couch. Dodger and the old one will have to wait for later. I just can't deal with this shit right now. “Why? What do you want? I'm seriously swamped right now, Rob.”
“I got a call from our tenant. He's moving out today. Normally I'd ask for a sixty day notice, but you know how long I've been trying to get rid of the guy.”
“Yup, yup,” I say as Sadie tosses her head back and lets out a banshee worthy wail. “What's that got to do with me?”
“I told him to leave the key with you, but he said you hadn't been staying at the house. Where the fuck are you? I need you to go over and check the place out, make sure it's clean, and then get it posted on Craigslist for me.”
“Are you … kidding me? When the hell am I going to have time to do that?”
“You're not at that girl's house still, are you? You're not a fucking nanny, Zayden. You don't know anything about children. And I don't want my kids exposed to your weird sex stuff.”
“Weird sex stuff?” I echo and then notice the girls are standing on the stairs, eavesdropping. They giggle as I point a finger at them and mouth go, heading back to the crib to pick up the baby. “I'm not the one whose daughter saw him giving mommy a VJ in the shower, okay?”