“Alexis Kane is the queen of everything,” Chief Terry explained. “She is not part of the living dead team. In fact, she tries to kill our kind. We’re at war.”
“Of course you are.” Landon smiled as he patted Chief Terry’s head. “Mousse, huh? Your hair is a bit crispy.”
“Of course it is,” Thistle said. “Vampires have to slick back their hair. It’s one of the rules.”
“Edward Cullen didn’t,” Clove protested.
“Don’t bring up that name again,” Thistle warned. “He’s not a real vampire.”
“There’s no such thing as vampires,” Landon scoffed. “This is an Aunt Tillie thing. It’s kind of fun. You should stand up so we can see the full cape effect, Terry.”
“We don’t know that vampires aren’t real,” Clove countered. “Just because we’ve never seen one doesn’t mean they’re not real.”
Landon looked to me. “Tell her they’re not real.”
“Well … .” I chewed my bottom lip. “She’s not technically wrong. We don’t know that vampires aren’t real.”
“Come on.” Landon was annoyed. “You guys are just messing with me now.”
“We’re not,” I countered. “We’re … simply telling it like it is. We don’t know if vampires are real. We’ve gotten conflicting reports while growing up.”
Landon glanced at Thistle. “Surely you don’t believe in vampires.”
“I don’t know what I believe,” Thistle replied. “The thing is, I’ll bet you didn’t believe in witches a year and a half ago. How did that work out for you?”
Landon balked. “That’s completely different.”
“How?”
“Because … well … because there’s a perfectly good reason for witches to exist,” Landon replied. “You guys are magical, but not dead or anything. Vampires are dead.”
“Undead,” Sam said.
“Living dead,” Chief Terry corrected. “We’re living dead. Zombies are undead. They have their own little part of the story.”
My shoulders tensed. “This story?”
Chief Terry’s smile was mischievous – and a bit evil. “Another story. You won’t get to play in that world today.”
“Thank the Goddess for small favors,” Clove muttered.
“As for me, I’m king of the vampires,” Chief Terry said. “You must do what I say.”
“And what is that?” Landon wasn’t in the mood to mess around. “What must we do? Whatever it is, it had better be quick. I have a proper hangover to get to and it won’t happen in this world.”
Chief Terry stared at him for a moment. “Do you really want to know?”
“That’s why I asked.”
“Well then … .” Chief Terry moved to climb out of the coffin, sweeping his arms out so the cape flowed around him. Instead of moving with grace and agility, he tripped over the cape as he tried to clear his escape and pitched forward. He hit the ground face first, groaning as his forehead smacked into the pavement. “Ow.”
“I’m guessing that’s not how that was supposed to go,” Landon said dryly.
“I will make you join my living dead army if you’re not careful,” Chief Terry warned. “I won’t give you a good job, either. I’ll make you a janitor or something. How do you like that?”
“As long as I can wear a shirt I’m fine with it.” Landon grabbed Chief Terry under his arms and hauled him to his feet. “So, where are we going?”
“To a wonderful new place.” Chief Terry smoothed his cape. “Follow me.”
We fell into step behind him as he crossed the room.
“Does anyone else think Aunt Tillie’s version of vampires is ridiculous?” Clove asked. “I mean … he doesn’t fly or anything.”
“I think we should be thankful that things turned out this way and leave it at that,” Landon said. “Things could be so much worse.”
I stopped abruptly, grimacing when Thistle smacked into me. I leveled a dark look at Landon, though he didn’t look bothered by my fury.
“What?”
“You totally jinxed us,” I barked. “Now that you said that, wherever Chief Terry is taking us will be all kinds of awful. Why would you do that?”
Landon shrugged. “I don’t know. It just slipped out. Things will be fine. Don’t have a fit for no reason.”
I wanted to believe him, but I knew darned well things weren’t going to be fine. “When this blows up in our faces, I’m totally going to blame you.”
“That seems more than fair.”
How many times has that dude been married? It’s in double digits now, right? Why wouldn’t they stop issuing marriage licenses and for the love of all that’s holy, why would anyone marry him? His wives keep ending up dead, and you just know he’s not paying alimony to the few who survived. It’s ridiculous.
– Thistle on soap opera romance
Fifteen
Chief Terry kept spouting nonsense – I couldn’t wait to tell him about Aunt Tillie’s take on his vampire persona when we were out of this mess – as he led us through a series of winding hallways. His vampire knowledge was immense – and straight out of a series of bad books and television shows.
“I’m the first of my kind,” Chief Terry explained. “I came here because I wanted peace and solitude. I found something else.”
“And what was that?” Landon asked, keeping a firm grip on my hand. The shadows on either side obviously made him nervous. He scanned the darkness with each step to make sure nothing jumped out and attempted to devour us.
“I found my destiny.”
Landon made a rueful face. “When I tell the real Terry how you’re acting, he’ll be mortified. I’m never going to let him live it down. I’m going to bring it up from now until eternity.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Chief Terry paused in front of an ornate door. This one was white and decorated with bright flowers. It almost looked festive despite the murky lighting. “I am who I have always been.”
“Yeah, the real Terry is going to toss Aunt Tillie in jail for this one.” Landon looked thrilled at the prospect. “I hope he throws away the key. I hope he makes her eat gruel and never allows her to watch soaps again. That should be her punishment.”
“That sounds nice.” I was trying to appease him, even though I knew it would never happen. “I’ll bring it up to him at breakfast … if we ever get to breakfast, that is.”
“Oh, we’ll get there. I can see it already. Blueberry pancakes. Eggs. Hash browns. Mountains of bacon. We’re definitely getting to breakfast.”
As if on cue, his stomach growled. I smiled as I pressed my hand to his flat abdomen. “Hungry?”
“I want out of here,” Landon clarified. “That’s what I want more than anything.”
“Well, let’s see what’s next for us.”
Chief Terry opened the door and gestured for us to go through it. Marcus, Sam, Thistle and Clove kept their heads down as they passed over the threshold. Landon stopped in front of Chief Terry long enough to give his outfit another appraising look.
“I wish we could take photographs here.”
A small woman wearing a red suit and a bright smile poked her head through the open door. I didn’t recognize her, but she seemed to know us. “Photographs will be available at the end of the show. They’ll be in the gift shop and they’re priced for bulk copies.”
“Oh, well … .” Landon licked his lips. “Okay then.” He turned to me. “Did you hear that? There’s a gift shop.”
“Maybe we can get you another shirt.”
Landon didn’t look happy at the prospect. “Keep it up.” He lifted his eyes to Chief Terry’s face. “What’s next?”
“I don’t know. I can’t go with you.”
“Why?”
“You’ll see. I’m not part of that story,” Chief Terry explained, his eyes snagging with mine. Even though he was supposed to be a vampire – sure, he was a weak and weird vampire, but a bloodsucker all the same – he looked almost fond when he tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. “I’m sorry you can’t stay. You’d make an excellent minion.”
It should’ve been an insult, but my insides warmed all the same. “That’s probably the nicest thing anyone has said to me since I got to this insane world.”
“Hey, I’ve told you that I love you at least three times,” Landon complained.
“You know what I mean.” I instinctively gripped Chief Terry’s hand, marveling at its coolness. “Why do you think she showed you to us at all?”