“You can’t hit my wife,” Hutch snapped. “She’s pregnant with our child.”
“Only because you switched out my birth control pills.” Lila’s eyes fired. “You wanted to keep me from my heart, but it won’t work.” Lila scrambled to get around Hutch and threw her arms around Landon’s neck before he could evade her. “Tell him, Jericho. Tell him we’re meant to be together.”
“Oh, why is it always me?” Landon whined as he tried to extricate himself from Lila’s grip. “Why isn’t this happening to Sam and Marcus, too?”
“Because you’re the leading man.” I answered before I thought better of it.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Landon grabbed Lila’s wrists and positioned her so she was in front of him but couldn’t run her fingers through his hair. Under normal circumstances I would’ve been offended, infuriated even. Now I was too tired to muster outrage.
“She means that you’re the leading man.” Thistle wrinkled her forehead. “That suggests she’s the leading heroine and Clove and I are supporting characters.”
Crap. This wouldn’t end well. “That’s not what I said.”
“But you’re thinking it.”
“I am not.”
“You are so.”
“I am not.”
“You are so.”
“I am not.”
“Okay, as much as I would like to wait it out and see how many times you guys can say that to one another, it’s not helping,” Marcus chided. “We won’t get through this if you guys start arguing.”
I stretched my arms over my head. “I’m not the one who started the fight.”
“Of course not,” Thistle sputtered. “You’re the leading lady. You’re above a fight.”
“I didn’t say I was the leading lady!”
“Knock it off.” Landon moved away from Aunt Tillie, although the look he shot her over his shoulder threatened potential mayhem if she attempted to flee. “I don’t see why you’re arguing about this. Who cares about the leading lady designation?”
Thistle, Clove, Lila and Aunt Tillie shot their hands in the air in unison.
“I’m the leading lady,” Lila said. “I’m propelling the story right now. I mean … my husband tricked me into getting pregnant, I just fell over a waterfall and the love of my life is grappling with the fact that I’m carrying another man’s child. How am I not the leading lady?”
“Don’t refer to him as ‘the love of your life,’” I snapped.
“Are you jealous?”
“No, I just don’t like it.”
“I’m with Bay.” Landon slipped an arm around my shoulders and glared at Lila. “I am not the love of your life. Stop saying that. It makes us all uncomfortable.”
“It doesn’t make me uncomfortable,” Aunt Tillie countered. “Besides, I’m the leading lady.”
Thistle snorted. “You can’t be the leading lady. Soaps are ageist. Once you hit forty you became the matriarch, not the leading lady. I’m the leading lady, for the record. We all know it.”
“You aren’t the leading lady,” Clove argued. “You’re too mean to be the leading lady. You’re the sidekick, the comic relief. You’re occasionally used for a plot device or to make someone pay. The leading lady can’t be mean.”
“And I suppose you think you’re the leading lady,” Thistle said dryly.
Clove folded her arms over her chest and lifted her chin. “It makes the most sense.”
“How do you figure?”
“Bay is too boring to be the heroine,” Clove replied. “You’re too mean. That leaves me. I’m perfect. I’m cute. I’m a good person. I can cry without thinking about it. I’m obviously the leading lady.”
Wait a second … . “I’m too boring to be the leading lady? That’s a bunch of hogwash.”
“You’re not boring, sweetie.” Landon patted my shoulder. “You’re perfectly fine the way you are. In fact, I think you’re the least boring person in the world.”
I stared at him for a long moment. “You know you have lipstick on your chin, right?”
Landon’s hand automatically flew to his face. “What?”
“Yeah. It just so happens to match Lila’s lipstick.”
“That’s my lipstick,” Lila corrected.
“That’s what I just said.”
“My name is Queenie.”
“Ugh, I’m so sick of the ridiculous names in this world,” I complained. “I can’t tell you how annoying these names are.”
“Tell me about it,” Hutch lamented. “You’d think people would have better names.”
“Yeah, Hutch,” Thistle said dryly. “You’re definitely the person who should be complaining about stupid names.”
Hutch was placid. “I thought so, too.”
“Ugh.” Thistle slapped her hand to her forehead. “This place is stupid. You know what? I don’t care that I’m not the leading lady. I can live with that if we get out of here.”
“Thank you.” Clove bobbed her head. “I’m glad you see things my way.”
Thistle snorted. “You’re not the leading lady. You might as well get over that right now. Aunt Tillie set this up so Bay is the leading lady and that means Landon is the hero. That’s why he has a woman in every port, so to speak.”
“Yes, it’s a lovely development,” I agreed, glaring at the pink lipstick on his chin.
“I didn’t kiss her.” Landon swiped at his face again. “She threw herself at me. I, being a loyal boyfriend, explained that I wanted nothing to do with her.” He looked to Marcus and Sam for support. “Tell her.”
“Oh, we’re your sidekicks,” Sam drawled. “How can we possibly know the motivations of the leading man?”
Landon looked desperate. “Bay … .”
I held up my hand to still him. “I know you didn’t kiss her. Trust me. No one would want to kiss that frog.”
“Hey!” Lila was affronted. “Jericho and I are in love.”
“Stop saying that,” Landon ordered. “It gives me a sour stomach.”
“Oh, well, if that’s how you want to be.” Lila reared back and slapped Landon across the face, putting as much effort as possible behind the blow. Landon barely reacted. “You’ve broken my heart and I hope you know I’m going to make you pay.”
Hutch brightened. “You tell him, baby! Does that mean you’re coming home with me?”
Lila didn’t look thrilled at the prospect. “I guess, but I hear they’re hiring a new actor soon and I’m sure he’s going to be my new love interest. This is only temporary.”
Hutch wasn’t about to be dissuaded. “That’s okay. I’ll just get you pregnant again.”
“I’m already pregnant.”
“Who doesn’t love twins? Besides, if you have twins, it’s far more likely one of them will eventually die and you’ll get bumped up to leading lady when that happens.”
Lila pursed her lips and nodded. “Good idea.”
“Oh, I hate these people.” Thistle was disgusted. “I just … this is the dumbest world we’ve ever been to.”
“I kind of like it,” Clove said. “The music is great, and who doesn’t love a good montage?”
Landon, Marcus and Sam raised their hands.
“Montages suck,” Landon said. “That’s still the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“You’ll survive.” I squeezed his wrist. “We need to find you another shirt. Even though Lila has backed off, she keeps glancing over here. I think she might be drooling.”
“If she touches me again I expect you to fight her off.” Landon was somber. “She makes my skin crawl.”
The simple declaration was enough to warm my heart. “Thank you.” I kissed his cheek. “Now, Aunt Tillie, I think we’ve been good sports. It’s time you sent us home.” I turned to the spot where she’d stood only moments before and found it empty. “Aunt Tillie?”
“I told you there’s no one here by that name.” Aunt Tillie’s voice echoed throughout the clearing – as if amplified by megaphone – and when I turned to the cabin I found she’d managed to move a good distance away. The bear was gone, but two shadowy figures had joined the fray, bracketing Aunt Tillie. Unfortunately, they looked exactly like her.
“Oh, holy moly,” Clove complained, dumbfounded disbelief washing over her face. “There are three of her. How is that even possible?”
“The world is surely coming to an end,” Thistle complained. “Three Aunt Tillies? Someone just needs to smite me now.”
“I’ll do it,” Lila offered.