“Bay?”
The voice didn’t come from the cabin. It came from the woods to our right. I turned in that direction, my eyes going wide when I saw Landon push his way through the trees. He was shirtless – again – but his eyes were wide and his relief, even from a hundred feet away, was palpable.
“I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” Landon said. “Where were you?”
“Looking for you.” I tilted my head to the side. “What happened to your shirt?”
Landon gestured toward Lila. “That … beast … happened.”
“Where are Sam and Marcus?” Clove asked.
“They’re right behind me. Don’t worry.” Landon’s eyes locked with mine and his expression softened. “I was worried.”
“Even shirtless again, I’m still glad to see you.”
“Yeah, me too.” Landon opened his arms. “Come here.”
I took several steps quickly, excited to see him even though we’d been together a mere hour before. It somehow felt longer. I was only halfway to him, doing my best to ignore Lila’s outraged screech, when I heard a roar and turned to the right.
I don’t know what I expected. I knew it wouldn’t be an easy reunion. Aunt Tillie wouldn’t allow it, after all, and neither would the laws of soap operas. The thing rushing out of the woods in my direction totally flummoxed me, though.
“Bear!” Clove screeched. “Holy crap! It’s a bear!”
I could see that for myself, but I had no idea what to do about it. I opened my mouth to scream, but the charging animal – its pelt white rather than black, which didn’t make a lot of sense given the mountain setting – turned in my direction, lashing out with a paw and causing me to tilt to the side to avoid being swiped. I hit the ground hard, the air forced from my lungs, and I gasped when the bear turned to face me.
“Bay!” Landon panicked, and I knew he wouldn’t get to me in time. Even if he did, what could he do?
I thought about casting a spell, but I had no idea what kind of spell could fight off a bear. Ultimately, it didn’t matter, because another figure hurried out of the trees. I recognized this one after two quick blinks. Aunt Tillie wore a red, white and blue sequined evening gown. She also had a headband that looked as if it was lifted from the Statue of Liberty’s head, and a determined look on her face.
“Aunt Tillie?”
She didn’t bother looking in my direction, instead stepping in front of the bear and doing the one thing no one expected. She lashed out with her hand and slapped the bear across its snout, causing it to rear back and howl as if it had been hit by a car.
“Don’t even think about it,” Aunt Tillie bellowed. “I’m Alexis Kane, and I won’t stand for any nonsense in my story. Don’t you ever forget that.”
And just like that, Aunt Tillie scared off a bear with a slap … and we’d discovered a completely new level of insanity.
I’ve given it a lot of thought and I have a plan for explaining why I was seen hiding outside of Margaret Little’s shop even though I told Terry I was in my greenhouse. I have an evil twin. No. Really. Think about it. It’s perfect. Now I have someone to blame everything on and no one can prove it’s not true because we look exactly the same. It’s genius … and I’m only sorry I didn’t think of it sooner.
– Aunt Tillie promoting the merits of an evil twin
Thirteen
“Bay!”
Landon didn’t pay the bear any heed as he skirted around the creature’s massive bulk and ran to my side. He didn’t pull me in for a hug, as I expected, instead running his hands over my head, back and shoulders as if he was frantically looking for wounds to bandage.
“Are you okay? Did you get bit? Do I have to kill Aunt Tillie right here and now?”
I arched an eyebrow as I looked between him and Aunt Tillie. “I’m fine.”
“Well, I’m not fine.” He gave in and pulled me close for a hug. “I’m pretty freaking far from fine.”
I absently patted his back and glared at Aunt Tillie. “You are in so much trouble.”
Aunt Tillie was blasé. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. By the way, I just saved you from a bear.”
“A polar bear,” I grumbled, giving the bear – which had seemingly lost interest in attacking – a wide berth as I stood. Landon dusted off my jeans, his hands shaky. “I take it you stole the polar bear from Lost.”
“I am Alexis Kane,” Aunt Tillie intoned. “I don’t steal from anything or anyone. I am an original.”
“You’re … something.” I grabbed Landon’s hands, which were becoming progressively more obsessive as he worked to clean off my clothing. “I’m okay. I can’t die in this world. Aunt Tillie wouldn’t allow that.”
“I know, but … it was a freaking bear.”
“It was definitely a bear.” Thistle, her fingers linked with Marcus’ trembling digits, approached with a wary look. It seemed I wasn’t the only one who had a nice, albeit stressful, reunion with my significant other. “And you totally stole that from Lost, you old crone.”
Aunt Tillie sniffed, disdainful. “If you think I’ll allow you to talk to me in that manner, you have another think coming.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Thistle brushed off the warning with a wave of her hand. “We’re ready to go home.”
“Yeah, you’ve had your fun,” Clove said, Sam pressed to her back as they appeared to our left. “Send us home.”
“I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Aunt Tillie supplied. “I’ve never seen you people before.”
I narrowed my eyes as I licked my lips. The woman standing before us could be Aunt Tillie. It looked like her. Aunt Tillie was known to appropriate her own image at times, though, so it was equally possible this was simply another clone like the ones we’d seen of other acquaintances and loved ones along our endless journey.
“Now you listen here … .” Landon grabbed the front of Aunt Tillie’s sequined dress and lifted her a good foot off the ground as he stared into her furious eyes. “We want to go home. You’ve gotten more than enough jollies for one night. Quite frankly, I don’t know why you consider this fun, but you’ve had plenty of it.
“We’ve been good sports,” he continued. “I’ve been slapped so many times I’ve lost count. I’ve lost my shirt so many times I can’t even remember what I was wearing when we first landed. Enough is enough.”
“You have to send us home,” Clove added, her voice plaintive. “We don’t want to be here any longer.”
The look Aunt Tillie shot Clove was straight out of a bad movie. “I don’t know you. I’ve never seen you before. I can tell right away you’re a total kvetch, though. Alexis Kane does not suffer kvetches.”
“Oh, good grief.” Thistle sank to the ground, glaring at the bear as it eyed her with what looked to be hunger. “Don’t even think about it. I’ll bite you back, and I have rabies so it won’t end well for you.”
I pursed my lips to keep from laughing. “Aunt Tillie … .”
“I’ve never heard of this Aunt Tillie you speak of.” Aunt Tillie’s tone was forced and clipped. She sounded like a snotty rich woman on an eighties soap opera. Technically, of course, that’s what she was going for, so she managed to do it with aplomb. “My name is Alexis Kane.”
“Ugh. It’s like talking to a wall.” Thistle flicked her eyes to me. “We could wrestle her down and poke her with needles – or knives, if we can find them – until she gives in. We could see if our magic works enough to curse her into submission. Or, and I’m just spitballing here, we could take her back to the waterfall and throw her over.”
“That waterfall is lethal,” Lila interjected. “I only survived because I was determined to get back to my love.” She batted her eyelashes at Landon, who quickly looked in the opposite direction. “Love kept me alive, Jericho. That love will continue to sustain me.”
“It’s still wrong to punch women in a soap opera world, right?” Landon looked weary when he pinned me with a gaze. “I know she’s not real, but … .”