THIS PLACE RESEMBLED A fort from the Old West a lot more than a city. In places like Arizona and New Mexico, wood was scarce, so most forts didn’t really have barriers, just people on guard. This place was quite similar. Unsurprisingly—hadn’t seen anything that looked like a tree anywhere.
There were people and buildings, of course. The buildings weren’t that impressive. They seemed more like mud huts than anything else. Had no idea what kind of industry this world had, but whatever it was, it wasn’t high tech. Other than, you know, them launching rockets at the other planets in their system. Maybe that was their industry. Maybe it was hidden somewhere. Maybe I’d find out.
There were various people on the streets, all of them matching one of the four types we’d already seen. Hadn’t spotted anything that flew, and if there were insect people, they weren’t in evidence.
“Where are we?” I asked Clorence.
“The capital city.”
Managed not to say “duh” really loudly, but it took effort. “Um, really? What’s this magnificent place called?”
“It is magnificent, isn’t it?” he replied, with absolutely zero irony. “We are in Luhgremn.”
“What?” He said the name again. Forced him to spell it. Realized I would think of this place as Loogie if I wasn’t really careful. “Luhgremn. Got it.”
Most of this city is underground, Lilith said in my head. I believe we are also going to find the source of the rage here. Abigail is not wrong, but something here definitely is.
“How do you want to handle this?” Buchanan asked in English as one of the bulls approached.
“Asking them to put on loincloths is out, Malcolm,” White said. “Sadly.”
“They’re into being natural or nudists or however you want to think of them. Anyway, the handling is going to depend on Telzor.”
The bull came up to the side of the cab. Buchanan did his best not to look at the giant phallus flopping around basically in his face, but was pretty sure it was taking superhuman effort. Managed to control the Inner Hyena, but it took almost the same level of effort.
“What’s going on here?” the bull asked as he bent down and gave Buchanan something of a break.
Shocking me to my core, Roanach answered. “We are bringing the visiting aliens, Queen Katherine and her retainers, to meet Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection.”
The bull looked at the flatbed. “What happened to the Captain of the Guard?”
Decided the truth was the way to go. “He pissed me off.”
Telzor groaned and sat up. “This is the Warrior Queen. She is not from our world. And she is vicious and violent.” We hadn’t seen anyone who looked human, so sharing that we weren’t from around here, after Roanach had said we were aliens, seemed like overkill, but perhaps Telzor was just trying to regain a modicum of authority.
“Ah,” the other bull said. He nodded to all the other bulls. They separated so we could keep going. “You will take them to our Mad Lord?”
“I will,” Telzor replied.
Noted that the bulls didn’t need to say the crap about the sun. Not that this was a total surprise. This place was definitely the inspiration for Apokolipse. Wondered what the Mad Lord was going to look like, other than naked with his junk flapping about. Figured he had to be a bull—they were the biggest creatures I’d seen here, and they had the nastiest horns and the biggest hooves. And other things.
We started off again. Telzor pushed Roanach and Clorence out of the way, shoved his head in between mine and Buchanan’s, and started giving directions.
“Oh, my dear God. Dude. Do they have breath mints on this planet?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” Telzor said. “But I assume it’s an insult.”
“Only to your breath. I’m still very complimentary about your manhood, especially since I’ve just seen other examples. You’re the Top Bull for a reason.” Buchanan and White both tried to pretend they hadn’t heard this.
Looked around as my music changed to “Smoke and Mirrors” by Symphony X. Saw no smoke, saw no mirrors, so figured Algar was telling me that things might not be as crappy as I was seeing. Or else we were heading into a trap. Possibly both.
“Telzor, what is it that you do on Helix Rime?” I asked, as we weaved between huts and the people moved out of our way. As with the way here, there weren’t roads so much as places that you could float over. Had to say this—the planet required less upkeep than a lot out there.
“What do you mean? I told you, I’m the Captain of the Guard.”
“Yeah, not what I meant. I mean, what do you do, create, enjoy? I mean, everyone’s gotta eat, and I’ve seen farms. But there have to be things to do other than farm and guard things. And dig holes.”
Telzor rolled a giant eye at me. “You saw digging?”
“Yeah. On the way here. The long, boring way here. Seriously, what industry does this planet have?”
“You ask many questions.”
“I do. I’m interested in why you don’t want to give me any answers.”
“I’m curious as to how Telzor found us so quickly,” White said.
Telzor snorted. “It’s my job to know when things are not what they should be.”
“So, you saw us land?” I asked.
Telzor didn’t answer.
“I’m pretty sure this thing can go a lot faster than I’ve been going,” Buchanan said in English. “I figured we needed to see what was around us and I didn’t want to lose anyone if they’re still on the back.”
“It’s a long blend for Nightcrawler if they are.”
“He’s been practicing,” Buchanan said with a grin. “But if you’re trying to figure out how our friend here got to us so fast, this is probably the way. Based on how lightly I’ve been pressing the pedal and by what I think are numbers indicating speed, we’re nowhere close to as fast as this can go. Figure they saw us land or saw us exit the shuttle somehow and sent the big guy out to stomp us into the ground.”
“I’d brag about not letting that happen, but I know how our luck rolls, so I’ll keep that one to myself.”
“I’m impressed with your self-control,” White said.
“Stop here,” Telzor said, before I could get in another rejoinder.
We stopped. Looked around. Wasn’t much to see. Other than a big hole that looked to be an easy fifty feet in diameter, and a very large capstan that looked like it needed at least eight bulls to move. The whole area was guarded by bulls and rabbits.
Telzor got off the truck bed. Roanach and Clorence did, too. The three of us followed suit, Buchanan taking the time to take our and Telzor’s weapons out from behind the seat. He put his gun back on, tossed mine to me, gave one of the swords to White, and kept one for himself. Decided this was smart thinking.
Telzor looked like he wanted to demand his weapons back, but then he looked at me and changed his mind. So he’d heard and understood my threat about ripping them off. Good.