“I’ll take that as an apology. And it if wasn’t, understand that the next time I’m not going to hit them, I’m going to rip them off.”
“We eat your kind where we come from,” White said in a cheerful, conversational tone. “You might want to remember that, as well. My Queen, shall we? Clearly we need to work harder to find this Mad Lord. Or else he fears you, as I suspected.”
“Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection, fears no one,” Telzor managed to squeak out.
“Oh yeah? Then why are will still waiting to meet him?”
Clorence cleared his throat. “We need Telzor to take you to Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun—”
Put up the paw. Clorence shut up. The One True FLOTUS Power worked everywhere! “Unless you are required by law or the threat of death to say the rest of that phrase about his reflection, stop it. We got it, the Mad Lord and the sun have a ‘thing’ and everyone’s really proud of it.”
“It’s not a ‘thing,’” Roanach said. “It shows our love and respect.”
“Work under the assumption that we figure you love and respect the dude and that we neither want nor need to hear the thing about the sun ever again. Or at least not until you do the official introductions.”
The sheep and opossums seemed unsure. Time for more of my kind of diplomacy.
“You know, I can and do kick people right in their special parts as hard as I hit them.”
“Maybe harder,” White said in that Helpful Retainer way.
“True. Maybe harder. Does anyone want to find out?”
Every head shook violently to indicate that no, they did not. Even the females.
“Then let’s get this show rolling.” Looked down. Telzor was still wrapped around his own personal pain. “You all need to pick Telzor up and carry him to wherever it is we’re going.”
“The capital is far from here,” Clorence said.
“So, is Telzor only the Captain of the Guard for the Outer Guard, then?”
“No,” Roanach said. “He is the Captain for Mad Lord Johpunnt, may—” He caught me glaring. “. . . ah, yes. For the Mad Lord.”
“He can be taught. Then that means that Telzor came from the capital, and pretty quickly, all things considered. Meaning Telzor has the means to travel fast. Take us, and him, to those means. And chop-chop, time’s a wasting.”
Sheep and opossums other than Roanach and Clorence lifted Telzor. It took twenty of them, and they were struggling with it. They dropped him a couple of times. Did my best not to enjoy this. Failed.
“Where do you think the others are?” I asked White softly while the Outer Guard continued to drag, drop, and carry Telzor and we followed. Roanach was leading and Clorence was hanging close to us.
“No idea, but I assume they’re enjoying watching you work.”
“I hope they’re taking notes, then.”
We reached a large vehicle that looked like a flatbed truck as visualized by the Star Wars gang. No tires, it floated above the ground. The Outer Guard managed to toss Telzor face down onto the flatbed. Even though he took up a considerable portion of the bed, there was plenty of room for more cargo.
Checked out what I was going to consider the cab of this vehicle until told otherwise. It was a lot like the front of most trucks—a bench seat, a steering mechanism created for someone with hoof-hands, pedals for hoof-feet, and space behind the back of the bench seat, presumably to store their version of jumper cables or similar. There was an opening in the back of the cab that, on Earth, would be for a window. This was just open. Chose not to care about why at this precise time.
The cab was roomy, clearly made for Telzor’s bulk and height. Eyed the others. No one other than White was going to be tall enough to drive this puppy unless I made them tag team it, and that just seemed like more than they were going to be able to emotionally handle. And we didn’t want to crash this vehicle, so White driving was out.
My music changed to “Mr. Cab Driver” by Lenny Kravitz. The clue seemed clear.
Looked around. “I would like my Royal Driver to appear, please.”
Had expected Len, but it was Buchanan who appeared out of nowhere. Could have been that he let go of Siler. Could have been that he just wanted us to see him now. Buchanan had Dr. Strange powers, and if he didn’t want you to see him, you didn’t.
The sheep and opossums gasped even louder than they had when I’d smashed Telzor’s tenders. Interesting. They didn’t have hyperspeed, presumably only the bulls had extra strength, and they didn’t have anyone who could go invisible or just appear out of nowhere.
“My Queen,” Buchanan said with a bow. “You called?”
“I did, Doctor Strange. We need to drive this puppy to wherever the capital is. And I would prefer that you do this, versus Mister White.”
Buchanan nodded—you didn’t need to tell any human working with the A-Cs why we didn’t want an A-C at the controls of things like this. If it wasn’t A-C made, their reflexes were too good and they’d destroy the machine—I’d experienced this firsthand during Operation Fugly, and some lessons I learned immediately.
Buchanan examined Telzor. “He looks ready to get up. You want me to make him dead?”
“Only if he becomes a problem.”
Buchanan put his face near Telzor’s. “I think he wants to become a problem.” Buchanan had a really crazy mad look in his eyes. “And I prefer to remove problems before they bother my queen.”
Telzor growled. “She made her point. I will allow her to meet Mad Lord Johpunnt. He will deal with all of you.”
Buchanan nodded. “Gotcha.” Then he slammed his elbow right between Telzor’s eyes.
“Um, is he dead?”
“No,” Buchanan said. “He’s just unconscious, which is how we want him.” He removed the two giant swords Telzor had on his back and put them behind the seat in the cab. He did the same with the gun he had strapped on his back, and indicated he wanted mine, which I handed over. Both of those went behind the seat. “Let’s go.”
“First, Roanach and Clorence, we have no idea where we’re going. Do you?”
They both nodded. “We will show you the way,” Roanach said.
“Great, then get on next to Telzor and stick your heads through the opening when you need to give us directions.” Looked around as I said this, hoping the rest of my team would catch the clue. “We’re about to head off. It’s been nice meeting all of you,” I said to the sheep and opossums. Who continued to stare at me in a form of shock.
My music changed to “Drive Away” by The All-American Rejects. Chose to take the hint. Got in next to Buchanan, who was already in the driver’s seat, White got in next to me with his gun at the ready, the living embodiment of riding shotgun, and we took off, Roanach and Clorence sticking their heads in on either side of mine.
“Cozy,” White said.
“Speak English,” Buchanan said, in English. “Think about it, we’re all speaking the native tongue, but we have a language they won’t understand.”
“Wow, you’re right.” Had to actively shift my brain to talk the language I’d been raised in. “That sleep teaching stuff really works.”