Stopped looking at the weapons and checked out their faces. They weren’t the faces I was expecting.
They were still animal, yes. But they resembled Earth sheep and possums like gargoyles resembled Michelangelo’s David. Sure, there were similarities, but you’d never mistake a gargoyle for David’s close relative.
They fit this world, though. They all had big, crazy eyes, extra-large tusks protruding from their mouths and, on the male sheep, seriously deadly-looking horns. Not to be left out, the possums all had long claws. Their front hooves and paws were more evolved, almost handlike, which explained how they could hold the weapons. Their back ones were more footlike, which made sense for them being able to stand upright.
Couldn’t tell if the sheep’s wool was naturally a burnt orange color or if it was from them lying in the dirt, but the opossums’ fur was definitely a rather pretty strawberry blonde. That was me, Ms. Diplomacy, always finding something to compliment.
The sheep were all about my height, the opossums were shorter, though they were all probably taller than Algar. Really hoped they didn’t have hyperspeed.
“You are our prisoners,” one of the sheep said as my music changed to “Simple Rules” by Massive Attack. Realized the Universal Translator wasn’t how I was understanding these words—this was one of the languages we’d learned in our sleep. Wondered if Ixtha was actually on this planet, but decided to listen to Kevin and stop chattering. At least, about that.
Decided instead to stick with my plan, since that was my take on the song cue. “Take us to your leader.” Wished Tim or Reader were on my team to enjoy this one, since not even Chuckie snickered behind me.
“What are you two doing here?” the sheep asked. “Brandishing weapons?”
Risked a hopeful look around. Only White and I were standing here. Took the leap that Siler had gone chameleon and grabbed the others or Abigail had grabbed everyone and used hyperspeed. Or both. Hoped it was both.
“Looking for your leader,” White replied as he slung his large laser gun onto his back. Did the same, because that seemed the most diplomatic, and nonthreatening, way to handle this situation at the moment.
“Why would you think we would know the Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection?” the sheep asked. Wondered if this was the crazy sheep man Jamie had warned me about, or if I was going to meet him later, or if it was just a coincidence I was trained to never believe in.
The music changed to “I’ll Talk My Way Out of It” by Stuttering John. Took this to mean Algar wanted me to run my yap. Never a problem. “Excuse me, who?”
“Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection. He is the leader of our world.”
“Um, where we come from, ‘mad’ means insane.”
“Oh.” The sheep nodded as if this cleared everything up. “Here it means ‘enraged.’ Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection, is filled with righteous rage.”
“Gotcha. We’d still like to meet with him, regardless of the sun’s views about his reflection.”
“Why?” the opossum next to the sheep asked.
“Because we’re visiting from another solar system and we want to talk to the leader. Is he the only leader on the world, or just one of many?” It was a damned big world, and, after all, on Earth the leader depended on where you landed, particularly since Jeff didn’t push the whole King Regent thing. Frankly, as Algar’s cover story proved, we had a lot of little kingdoms scattered all over a much smaller surface.
“We have only one ruler, and Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection, rules the entire world by right and by might.”
“Super. By the way, what are your names?”
They both looked surprised. “Why would our names matter to you?”
“Because it’s considered polite and normal to refer to people by their names.”
They still seemed thrown by this request. “On our world, we share names,” White said.
“We also have no idea what planet this is, or what your sun is called.”
The sheep lurched back into some semblance of authority. “I am called Roanach, you stand on the mighty world of Helix Rime, and our noble sun is called Helix Prime.”
“I am called Clorence,” the possum added quickly. Noted he was a little cross-eyed. Decided not to mention it.
“We have a friend named Clarence,” I said conversationally.
“But I am Clorence,” the possum said.
“Yes. The names are similar. I was making small talk or polite conversation.”
“Why?” Roanach asked.
“Because you two aren’t taking us to Mad Lord Johpunnt and we assume that there is a reason you’re delaying,” White said.
The song was now “Keep This Train a Rollin’” by The Doobie Brothers. Presumably we needed to continue this fun chat. “Maybe they aren’t authorized,” I said to White, in a stage whisper. “They’re kind of out in the middle of nowhere.”
White nodded. “Perhaps we chose the wrong landing spot.” He was using the stage whisper, too. I loved working with White.
“We are part of the Outer Guard,” Roanach said, sounding slightly offended. “We are authorized for much.”
We turned back to Roanach and Clorence. “Sorry,” I said sweetly. “It just doesn’t seem like it. And I have to ask—if there’s only one leader and, therefore, one would assume, only one kingdom, what is it you’re all guarding against?”
They all gaped at me. “Enemies,” Clorence said finally.
“Enemies within your own kingdom?” White asked.
“No,” Roanach said strongly. “All are loyal to the Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection.”
“So, back to the original question then. If you’re not fighting amongst yourselves, and there is only one ruler in all the world, what are you all guarding against?” Really wondered if they actually knew about other parts of the world or not.
“We have been a unified world for thousands of years,” Clorence said. Identified him as smarter than Roanach, which currently appeared to be a low bar. “We have no strife amongst ourselves. We serve Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection, as our forebears served those Lords who came before him.”
“We guard against enemies,” Roanach said as if he’d just figured something out. “Enemies like you, who appear out of nowhere.”
Obviously these two were not going to grasp the nuances of our issues with their job descriptions. “Okey dokey. Well then, we’re not enemies, we’re visitors. And we need to meet with Mad Lord Johpunnt. Could you direct us to someone who could take us to him?”
“Why do you want to see Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection?” Clorence asked.
“Because we have information he will want.”