My hands were in my pockets as I fought to say the words I had been fighting to say since the day she died.
With a slight smile, I shook my head and said, “I quit racing. I was half a lap away from starting a race and I pulled down onto pit road and just drove back to the garage. You’d be happy; I know how much you really hated me racing. I loved it though and for the longest time, it helped me deal with the guilt of you dying. I guess not so much of you dying, but the fact that I’ve never been able to promise you what you asked for right before you died.
“I need you to know that I loved you, Casey, but I think even then I knew deep in my heart what we had wasn’t going to be forever. I sometimes wonder if God took you because he knew I couldn’t make that promise to only love you.
“For so many years I avoided the idea of falling in love with anyone. I wasn’t sure if it was because if I did, then it would make it all too real and I knew I wouldn’t be able to give you what you asked.”
Kicking at a stick, I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath before slowly letting it out. “I met someone, Casey. She’s changed the way I look at everything in my life. That rush I longed for that I got by racing or doing crazy shit like jumping out of planes, I didn’t need it any longer. The only thing I need is to see her smile. Feel her touch. She’s the rush I’ve been searching for this whole time.”
Tears built in my eyes as I stared at her name etched into the stone.
“I can’t promise myself to you forever because I promised my heart to Paislie. I think before I even met her my heart was hers. I kept it guarded, waiting for her to bump into me and give me that smile that I would see every time I closed my eyes. I tried to move on with other women and none of them ever made my heart feel so alive like she does.”
The warmth from a single tear felt like it burned a path on my face as it slowly continued on before I reached up and wiped it away. I placed the single yellow rose, Casey’s favorite, on the ground and took a few steps back.
“I never knew I was holding onto my past until I saw the hurt in Paislie’s eyes and I never want to see that again. I love her, Casey, and for the longest time it hurt knowing that I loved her more than I loved you. The guilt was confusing at first, but I realized had you not died that night, I would have come to my senses before I promised you something I wouldn’t have been able to give to you. You see, Casey, my heart has been waiting for Paislie and it’s time I let go of the past and look to my future. I’ll never forget you, Casey, but it’s time for me to say goodbye.”
The feeling of a huge weight was instantly lifted off my shoulders as I took a few steps back and turned around. I was frozen in place by her emerald eyes.
“Paislie?”
She quickly wiped her tears away as she gave me the smile I had been longing to see for the last few months.
We both walked toward one another and stopped as we got within a few inches of each other.
My eyes searched her face as I whispered, “I can’t breathe without you. I need you to know that. You’re everything I need.”
A small sob escaped her mouth as she brought her hands up to her lips. “I’ll do whatever I have to do to beg for your forgiveness. I swear to you, Paislie, I will never hurt you again. I don’t need you to save me . . . I need you to love me as much as I love you.”
Her hands dropped to her sides as her eyes peered into mine. The ache in the back of my throat was almost unbearable as I waited for her to speak.
“Why did you drive off the track the other day?”
My hands reached for hers as I watched her breath catch. “Because in that very moment it hit me.”
“What hit you?”
I pulled her body closer to mine. “That what I wanted wasn’t on the racetrack or in that car. It wasn’t the rush I got from living my life on the edge.”
My thumbs wiped her tears away as I leaned down and softly kissed her lips. “It was seeing your beautiful smile every day. Hearing your voice first thing in the morning, feeling you in my arms as I drift off to sleep. Paislie, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you. I have no idea why I called you Casey that day but I swear to you, I’ve never thought of you as a replacement. I love you, Paislie. God I love you, and only you, more than anything in this life of mine. You’re the reason I wake up each day.”
Her hands came up and grabbed onto my arms. “Please tell me I’m not dreaming.”
A wicked smile crept over my face. “How about if I show you?”
We were soon lost in a kiss. I never wanted to let her out of my sight again. When we finally pulled back for air, I searched her face. “Wait. How did you know I was here?”
She smiled and said, “Your friend, Emmit.”
My head pulled back in confusion. “Emmit?”
“He sent me an email, we talked on the phone, and I meet him and his beautiful wife and son this morning.”