“It looks very nice.”
“Thank you,” Gary said, smiling widely. “It does, doesn’t it? I only got three hours of sleep last night, and while I could say it’s because unicorns don’t need that much sleep when they have their horns, that would be a lie. I spent most of the night staring at myself in the mirror, gazing upon the magnificence that is myself.”
“That doesn’t surprise me in the slightest.”
“As it shouldn’t. Do you want to touch it?”
“No. I’m pretty sure I got my fill of it yesterday. Remember yesterday? When it shot its rainbow load all over me?”
“Come on, Sam. Just touch it. Just a little bit. Just the tip.”
“Tiggy touch the tip,” Tiggy said.
“Yes, you did. And with such a firm grip too.”
“Why are you here?” I moaned.
“Randall sent us to fetch you,” Gary said. “Kevin’s back. With guests.”
I opened my eyes again. “Why did you say it like that?”
“I didn’t say it like anything.”
“Yes, you did. You said it in that way you do when you know something I don’t and there’s a sixty-eight percent chance that I’m not going to like it.”
“Gods, Sam, do you hear yourself? What would Ryan think if he knew you were so obsessed over me?”
“I’d be fine with that,” Ryan mumbled. “If it meant all of you would go away and let me sleep.”
“Hi, Knight Delicious Face.”
“Hi, Tiggy.”
“I’m not going to like today, am I.”
“Probably not,” Gary said gleefully. “Now get up so I can bear witness to your reaction when you see who Kevin’s brought with him—I mean, so you can get up and greet this beautiful new day. Love you. Love you, boo. Love you so much. Love you.” He gave me a slobbering kiss on my neck before he pranced out of the room, sparkles trailing after him, smelling strangely of peppermint hot cocoa and good feelings.
“Tiggy, who’s here?”
“Bye, Sam! Bye! Bye, Sam!”
“Traitor,” I muttered as he ran out of the room.
“Kevin’s back?” Ryan asked, voice thick.
“Of course you were awake the whole time and didn’t do a thing to rescue me.”
“I hoped if I ignored you, you’d leave me alone.”
I adored him.
WE WERE dressed and out into the early morning sunlight ten minutes later. I was shoving bread in my mouth, not caring how unattractive I looked. I was ravenous, and if I was going to be forced from my bed at an ungodly hour, I would stuff my face with stale bread. It was my right as a human being.
The camp was already awake and moving around us, people still openly staring at me as we walked by them, Ryan close at my side, his sword in its scabbard at his hip. He had planned on training with his knights this morning, but I could tell curiosity about who Kevin had returned with had gotten the better of him.
Speaking of the devil, I could see Kevin’s head and wings sticking up over the wall outside of Camp HaveHeart, so we headed in the direction of the front gates.
“How much do you wager I’m not going to like this?” I asked Ryan.
“Yeah, I’m not going to take that bet. Randall said whoever it was is supposed to help us, right? I’m still not convinced he’s forgiven you for the dick-nose thing. For all we know, this is him finally getting revenge. And if that’s the case, you need to think of the worst possible person that Randall would get to come and help you.”
“Lady Tina is already here.”
Ryan rolled his eyes. “Fine, the one after that.”
“Vadoma. And she’s probably in her room, trying to read tea leaves so she can be all doom and gloom.”
“Okay, the person after that.”
I squinted at him. “Who would be third on my list of people I don’t like that are still mostly on my side and that Randall would want to have come here to help me?”
“NO,” I said, glaring at Randall. “Absolutely not.”
He didn’t look impressed. “So you’ve said. For the last five minutes.”
“Then maybe I should repeat myself again, because you don’t seem to be doing anything about it. No. Randall. No.”
“No offense,” Ryan said, “but I’m kind of with Sam on this one.”
“Thank you, Ryan.”
“Only because Sam agreed to marry him before I kicked him in the face and we escaped,” Gary whispered.
“This is true,” Ryan agreed.
“Dammit!”
The six-inch naked man with wings fluttering before us stroked his pencil-thin mustache. “I’m not yet convinced that Sam still doesn’t want to get all up on this,” the king of the Dark Woods fairies said, eyeing me up and down. Which, since he had tiny eyes, took a lot longer than one might expect.
“I don’t,” I assured Dimitri. “I don’t want to get all up on that.”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Sam. I didn’t say anything when I was leading you out of the Dark Woods because I knew how exhausted you were, but I’ve got to say, magic looks good on you.”
“Thank you.”
“And so would my face.”
“Fuck you.”
“What do you mean when he led you out of the woods?” Ryan asked.
I waved my hand dismissively. “Dimitri found Kevin and me when we were on our way back from our Dark Woods adventure.”
“You didn’t say anything about that before.”
“It was our little secret,” Dimitri said. “Sam and I have those, you know.”
The rest of his fairy court hummed appreciatively behind him. I saw the fairy Harry who had tried to gay-fairy-marry Dimitri and me, and waved.
He didn’t wave back. Probably still upset about the whole kicking him in the face thing too.
“What other secrets do you have with Dimitri?” Ryan demanded. “Did he touch you? Show me where he touched you!”
“Dude, chill. He didn’t touch me. This time.”
“What are you all doing out here—oh. Oh no.”
We turned to see Justin standing near the gate, staring directly at Dimitri.
“My Prince,” Dimitri all but purred. “How lovely it is to see you again. Come to discuss more… diplomatic relations?”
“Wow,” Kevin said. “That sounded dirty. How does he do that?”
“Kevin, dear,” Gary said as he pranced to the dragon.
“Yes, my love?”
“I noticed that you are paying more attention to a tiny fairy man when I have my horn back and you have yet to compliment me about it. That’s… unfortunate. For you.”
“I did earlier!”
Gary narrowed his eyes. “And I believe we discussed that you would offer me a compliment every hour until I deemed otherwise, and then I would give you the one muffin you’ve never gotten to have.”
“The Buttery Herb Cheese Muffin,” Kevin breathed.
“Do I know that one?” Ryan asked. “Do I want to know that one?”
“Probably not,” I said. “It’s the one where….” And I whispered the rest in his ear, because saying the words any louder would doom my soul to hell.
“Why?” Ryan moaned when I finished. “Why, why, why is that even a thing? How would you even gather it all to put it in there?”
“I have my ways,” Gary said simply, as if he weren’t the most disgusting creature alive.
“Without your horn, you were radiant,” Kevin purred. “With it, your beauty is unparalleled. I want to worship you all over.”
“That’ll do for now,” Gary said as Kevin licked his neck. “I feel the buttery herbs already.”
“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Ryan said as he started to gag.
“I don’t want to know,” Justin said. “King Dimitri. It is an honor to see you again.” He bowed low, one arm folded behind his back. “Though I must admit that you aren’t the guest I would have expected.” He glanced at Randall, looking slightly irritated. “Perhaps an explanation is in order so that I may report back to my father.”
“I would be happy to provide you with one,” Dimitri said, wings flapping furiously. “Should we retire to your extremely private quarters? And have Sam come as well?”
“Not gonna happen, dude,” I said, rubbing Ryan’s back as his head was between his knees.