Ryan rolled his eyes.
“And it’s not about Sam of Dragons,” I told Justin. “I just gotta be myself. I can charm the hell out of anyone, even looking like this. I’ll play the role Gary says I was born for, the wide-eyed newbie who stumbles upon a group of rough-and-tumble men and has his innocence devoured in a gangbang—you know what? I really should stop listening to Gary. And I’ll do that. Starting tomorrow. Hey, big fellas!”
“That’s who you chose,” Lady Tina whispered behind me as I stepped out into the open. “Over Justin. Are you kidding me?”
The four Darks turned toward the sound of my voice. I reminded myself that I wasn’t lying, per se, but acting. There was a difference, and this would be the role of my career. There would be stories told of my performance this night, and I would—
“Well, well, well,” Dark One said lecherously, which meant this would go exactly as I expected. He had a mean look on his face and a sloping gut. “What do we have here?”
I could do this. I could so do this. “Well, butter my biscuits and cover me in gravy, I do declare that I’ve found myself lost without an escort.”
Gary would be so proud.
“That right?” Dark Two asked, he of the hairy knuckles and bulbous nose that looked as if it’d been permanently reddened by drink. “All by your lonesome, are we?”
I batted my eyelashes at him. “All by my lonesome. Why, when I left the farm to head for the big city to be a Dark, I never thought I’d get so turned around. Those buildings are so massive.”
Dark Three laughed cruelly. His teeth were crooked and yellowed, and he smelled like badly aged cheese. “Do you like other things that are massive?”
“Why, whatever do you mean?” I asked, hand at my throat. “What else here could possibly be massive to li’l ol’ me?”
Dark the Fourth took a step toward me. “What’s your wizarding name, darlin’?”
On the spot! Ye gods! “Purity of the Blushing Virgins,” I blurted.
They gaped at me.
I heard wheezing behind me.
I winked at the Darks, hoping it would be enough to make their underwear fall off, tangle in their legs, and make them fall down and hit their heads and die.
It wasn’t.
I was disappointed in myself.
Dark Two popped his hairy knuckles. “Purity of the Blushing Virgins,” he repeated. “How. About. That.”
“Yes,” I breathed. “How about that. I, of course, didn’t choose that name for myself. Why, it was given to me by the monk where I lived.”
“The monk?” Dark One asked. “Thought you came from a farm, not a monastery.”
They could remember things! Curses! “Yes, exactly. The farm. It was a monk farm. Where the monks… farmed. And. Um. They adopted me? Yes, they adopted me after I was found in the woods as a child, and took me in. I worked their farm and kept myself pure and untainted because I wanted to make sure I remained… intact, and save it for the man I loved.” I licked my lips. “Or maybe four men I met on a dark road near a castle.”
They exchanged looks before turning back to me and grinning. Dark Three said, “Well, we seem to have found ourselves in a situation to help make all your dreams come true. Especially the wet ones.”
“Why, I suppose we have,” I said as my dick shriveled and my balls crawled back into my body. “Whatever shall we do with such a situation?”
Dark the Fourth grabbed his crotch and leered. “I’m sure we can find out. Why don’t you come a little closer so we can… get to know each other better?”
I didn’t think he was talking about tea and conversation. “But I’m so scared,” I whimpered. “Will it hurt?”
“Only a lot,” Dark One promised. “But after a while, you’ll be so stuffed, you won’t even remember your own name.”
“Ugh,” I said, grimacing. “I mean, ohhhh. Yes. That’s exactly what I want. I have so many holes to put things in. Tell me, will you treat me right?”
“Probably not,” Dark Three said. “But a pretty young thing like yourself can take it, don’t you think?”
“Sweet molasses,” I breathed as they got closer. “I might not have thought this through entirely.” And before they could reach for me, I cried, “Wait!”
They stopped, eyeing me hungrily.
“Before I do such a thing, I must go to confession!”
They eyed me a little less hungrily after that. “Confession?” Dark Two asked.
“Yes,” I babbled. “Confession. I must confess my sins to the gods before I give myself unto you and your manhoods. I ask that you meet me at church and sit with me while I confess before I let you fill me with what I expect to be extremely potent love juice.”
Dark the Fourth frowned. “That sounds like… a lot of work.”
“Ohh,” I said, rubbing my hand along my torso and neck. “I can promise you it’ll be worth it.” I accidentally poked myself in the eye. “Ow. Fuck. Ignore that part. Why, I do declare that I can’t wait to ride each of you in turn while the others stand and stroke themselves around me.”
“To the church!” Dark One cried.
“But we can’t leave our post,” Dark Two argued. “You know we could get in trouble.”
“Bah,” Dark the Fourth said. “This is a shit job anyway. No one comes this way. And it’s not like anyone can get in. The door is locked.”
“And besides,” Dark Three said, “when was the last time you had virgin? Can you imagine how tight he’s gonna be? It’ll be like trying to force your fist into a mouse hole.”
“Exactly like a fist into a mouse hole,” I managed to say, even as I fought the urge to vomit. “Now, as the monks taught me, I can’t be seen in public with men of your… voracity. So you head on to the church, and I will follow posthaste. And once I’ve made my confession, I expect to be ravaged. Though not in the church, because that would be blasphemous. And also, the church needs to be the one all the way on the other side of the City. Because reasons.”
“I don’t know,” Dark Two said, frowning at me. “Something about this doesn’t smell right.”
Time to up my game. I batted my eyelashes so hard I thought they were going to fall off as I took a step toward Dark Two. He was breathing heavily as I rolled my hips, thankful Gary had taught me how to walk like a sexy beast when I was fourteen. Granted, at the time, I’d failed miserably and he’d told me I was going to be alone forever, but still. I was doing this.
I reached Dark Two and put my hand on his chest and sucked my bottom lip between my teeth. “My loins,” I whispered, looking up at him. “They ache for you. I think I’d let you go first and teach me the ways of the flesh. Why, I should think someone of your mass knows exactly what to do with someone as sweet as me. I expect that I taste like cherry pie. Everywhere.”
He nodded furiously. “Church. We’re going to the church. Right now. Right now.”
I squealed and clapped my hands as I stepped away. “Oh, the joy in my tight, tight butthole knows no bounds. I am all aquiver. I am trembling with need and—you’re all running away. Great. Fantastic. Well, don’t I feel used.” I glared at the backs of the retreating Darks as they ran down the road. Soon they had disappeared from sight.
I turned back around toward my adventure companions.
Justin looked horrified.
Tina looked disgusted.
Ryan looked both turned-on and furious, which made me want to gag on his cock, but now was not the time for such endeavors, given that we were on a mission to save the King while remaining undetected, and public fellatio was not conducive for being incognito.
“What?” I asked.
Justin said, “I have lost any and all faith in people’s taste.”
Tina said, “Were they all blind? Because that’s the only thing that makes sense to me.”
Ryan said, “I could have taken them all with one hand tied behind my back, a blindfold over my eyes, a wooden sword, and no legs.”
We all turned slowly to look at him.