“Bards are the worst,” I ground out, sure that my face was turning blue.
“But just as soon as Jerome and I were about to pass this place right on by, who did I hear shrieking delightfully after me but my old friends Gary and Tiggy, who I met ages ago in a tiny little hamlet that somehow managed to avoid eradication by Dark wizards. But that’s only because no one actually wants to go there.”
Silence. Well, until someone coughed.
“Yeesh,” Zal said, completely unaffected. “Tough crowd. Moving on. I was told by Gary and Tiggy that our savior had returned to us after a long and arduous absence, and that is something I had to see for myself.” He grinned down at me as I flailed, trying to move Terry’s fat ass. “Sam! How lovely of you to make an appearance. Things have certainly changed since last we met. Once you were on a quest to save a prince, and now you’re tasked with saving the world. Talk about a promotion. How are you feeling tonight?”
“Like I’m being suffocated!”
“Fantastic,” he said. “We have a saying where I’m from.” He strummed his lute again. “We travel far, we travel long, stories told through ale and song.”
“Yaaaayyyy,” a man in the audience said.
“Now, we know my skills with the lute are unique,” Zal said, and I figured now was as good a time as any to let myself die. “My voice has been called melodious and on fleek. Now I shall sing you a song banned from all holy Masses. Ladies and gentlemen, the Grand Prince of Verania, I give you… ‘Dark Wizards Can Kiss Our Asses.’”
“Oh no,” I moaned.
“What,” Ryan said.
“What is this?” Justin growled at Gary.
“I love everything about my life,” Gary breathed.
“Hurray!” Tiggy exclaimed.
And Zal the Magnificent began to sing.
Once there was a country strong,
with a people most sweet and proud.
They always figured right from wrong,
and to a great King they bowed.
Then there came the darkest day,
from all of us this was taken.
Shadows came and had their way,
and left us all a-shakin’.
Buuuuuut… to themmmm… we saaaaaaaay….
Dark wizards can kiss our asses!
We’ll stab ’em in the gut.
Listen to me, lads and lasses,
Let’s fuck them in the butt!
“Wow,” Dad said. “I can see why you like him.”
“Right?” Gary said gleefully. “It’s like he’s from my dreams.”
There was a boy of simple means,
upon whose shoulders hopes were laid.
More weight than on kings and queens,
To him we looked and prayed.
Called upon the hopes of men,
he would need the help of dragons,
of which it can be said again,
That all the rest are laggin’.
“Sam! Sam! Did you hear that? Did you hear that.”
“Can… barely… breathe….”
“Yeah. He heard that.”
Annnnnnnnd… to eeeevil… we saaaaaaaay….
Dark wizards can kiss our asses!
We’ll stab ’em in the gut.
Listen to me, lads and lasses,
Let’s fuck them in the butt!
People had started joining in on the chorus. I was having a terrible time.
The gods had a chosen one,
to represent us all.
And if there’s a time when he’s truly done,
The rest of us will fall.
It’s a good thing, then, it rests on Sam!
A boy who has become a wizard!
He’s the one who’ll give a damn!
And possibly conjure up a blizzard!
“Ungh,” Ryan said, eyes glazing over as the chorus picked up again.
“I’m not even doing anything,” I snapped at him.
“Yeah,” he said. “But a blizzard. That’s so hot.”
“Oh please,” Terry said with a sniff. “It’s not that great.”
He’s returned to us to save the world,
and give some Darks the ol’ what for!
Knock ’em for a loop, causing ’em to swirl!
Hear the people behind you, Sam, as they start to roar!
The crowd roared.
Zal grinned.
I punched Terry on the thigh.
He grunted but didn’t move.
We ask of you to save us all,
And we’re sorry for past transgressions.
We’ll be with you, Sam, in the brawl,
acting out all our aggressions!
And to those bitches we saaaaaaaaaaay….
“I should have just stayed in the godsdamned woods,” I mumbled as the crowd sang loudly.
“Nah,” Ryan said. “I would have found you eventually.”
“That sounded creepy.”
“Or did it sound like ‘I love you’?”
“That’s not a boner for you,” I told Terry. “It’s for Ryan.”
And alas, after a verse or six,
We’re coming to an end.
Cheesy dicks and candlesticks!
We’re looking for our hearts to mend.
My eyes started to burn as the song slowed, as Zal’s voice broke just a little.
We turn to you, the boy we lost,
your body now littered with scars.
We know what your bravery cost,
and for you we wish upon these stars.
Annnnnnd we saaaaaaaaaaaaay.
Dark wizards can kiss our asses!
We’ll stab ’em in the gut.
Listen to me, lads and lasses,
Let’s fuck them in the butt!
He finished with a flourish, loud and raucous, the crowd crying out joy and pain, in happiness and sorrow. I saw tears on the faces of many, and as Terry finally stood and I sucked in a full breath, I had to wipe my own eyes.
Ryan was there next to me, his forehead pressed against mine, and he said, “They hurt you. I know they did. And they don’t deserve you. None of them do. Not after the way they treated you. But they need you, Sam. Almost as much as I do. Because without you, we’ve lost. Believe in me, because I’ve always believed in you, even when I was at my angriest.”
“You’re so stupid,” I muttered wetly. “I hate you so godsdamn much. You’re all manipulative, and I should curse you and then move far, far away.”
I felt his smile more than saw it. “But you won’t.”
“I won’t.”
“Because you love me.”
“More than anything, I think.”
He laughed quietly, and I thought it the most wonderful sound I’d ever heard. I wondered when last he’d done that, been carefree and happy.
“If you two are done being disgusting, I need Sam.”
Ryan sighed but pulled away.
Justin stood on the other side of the table, looking uncomfortable. “I didn’t have anything to do with that.”
“I know. I’ll deal with them later.” I shot a glare at Tiggy and Gary, but they just waved cheekily back at me. Their deaths would be slow and painful. After I hugged them.
“I need you now.”
“Justin, please. Not in front of Ryan. You know how jealous he gets.”
Justin rolled his eyes. “I need you to speak to them. To our people. They need to hear from you. They need to know that you forgive them.”
“And if I don’t?”
“Speak or forgive?”
I shrugged, because it seemed to be the same.
“Then you don’t. And they lose hope. They won’t know what we do, that you’ll fight for them until your last breath. That you will do everything in your power to take away the shadows and bring them back into the light.”
I squinted at him. “And how do you know I’ll do that?”
He snorted. “I know you, Sam. Very well.”
“Not carnally. That’s only for my babe.”
“Thank the gods for small favors.”
“I don’t—”
“I’ll say it.”
“Say what?”
He looked as if he were about to take the hardest shit. It was not a flattering look. “You know. The thing.”
“What thing?”
If it were possible, the holy-shit-this-shit-hurts look deepened. “You know. The thing.”
I gasped. “You will?”
He nodded like it pained him.
“In front of everyone,” I decided. “In fact, you should stand on stage and say it, and then I’ll believe you.”
“What are they talking about?” Terry asked Ryan.
“Honestly, I don’t even ask questions about it anymore. It’s easier that way instead of knowing my ex-boyfriend and current boyfriend have a thing together.” He frowned before turning to me. “I don’t like the sound of my own sentence.”
I patted his arm, because he was special to me.
“I can console you,” Terry said helpfully. “Do you want me to sit on you like I did for Sam?”
“Uh. No? Thank you, though. That’s very kind of you.”