He shrugged. “I thought it was kind of nice.”
I gaped at him. “You thought ‘Cheesy Dicks and Candlesticks’ was nice?”
“If it makes you feel any better,” Lady Tina said from my left, “I hate the song too.”
“Thank you, Lady Tina,” I said. “At least someone here is in their right mind, even if it happens to be my mortal enemy.”
“You’re welcome.”
I turned slowly to stare at her. “Don’t push it.”
I heard snickering farther down the table and saw Gary and Tiggy looking inordinately pleased with themselves. Making sure they were watching, I pointed at them, then drew a finger across my neck before miming gouts of blood shooting out from my throat.
“We’re, like, six people away,” Gary said. “We can hear you just fine.”
I blinked. “Oh. Right. Sorry. Okay. So, in case you couldn’t tell what I just did, I am going to slit your throats, and all your blood is going to come out onto the ground and stuff. It’s going to be super violent and really gross, and I hate you guys so much.”
“No hate,” Tiggy said, frowning at me. “Hating is bad. Not nice.”
If you’ve ever been rebuked by a darling half-giant, then you know it feels like getting hit in the chest with all the feelings in the world. “Sorry, Tiggy,” I muttered.
“Thank you.”
“I’m still going to have my revenge.”
“Silly Sam, cheesy dicks are for everyone.”
And then Zal the Magnificent took the stage.
He didn’t look any different than when we’d stumbled into his tavern on our quest to save the Prince from the evil dragon. The bard was a tall, thin man with a goatee that wouldn’t look out of place on a villain who monologued everyone in their immediate vicinity to death. His dark hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and his clothes were dusty and travel-weary, as if he’d been on the road for a long time. But he had that same wicked smile on his face, and he carried the same oak lute he’d had in the tavern.
“You know what?” I said, starting to rise again. “This has been fun, but I think I’m going to—”
“Terry!” Gary screeched. “Now!”
“Do I have to?” he sighed.
“Yes!”
I frowned at him. “What are you going to—oh my gods, no, please don’t—”
But it was far too late, because Terry had already charged at me, spun around, and sat in my lap.
“Why,” I wheezed as the chair creaked beneath me. “Why… is your… whole family… like this?”
“This wasn’t my idea,” Terry muttered. “In fact, I absolutely refused. Then Gary reminded me about the whole horn thing, and I had no choice.”
“I have had… so many… unicorn assholes… on my person.”
“Oh please,” Gary said with a sniff. “You know what they say about a unicorn’s backside. Touch a unicorn’s ass, and the world will love you en masse.”
“No one… says that. Literally… no one.”
“I heard it before,” Tiggy said. “From Gary.”
“You guys are so embarrassing,” Terry muttered.
“You’re the one… sitting on me.”
“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t want to be.”
“Ryan… help me.”
“Nah. I’m good.”
“You… bastard.”
“Most likely.”
“Camp HaveHeart, how we doing tonight?” Zal cried.
Camp HaveHeart was apparently doing very well, if the sound they made gave any indication.
“I hope you’re enjoying your evening here. But since this is essentially a refugee camp as our homes have been taken away from us, you’re probably not having very much fun at all.”
The crowd laughed.
“He’s so right!” a voice called out. “I’m laughing, but I’m also dying a little on the inside!”
“He’s… repeating… material,” I managed to say. “Not… funny… the second time….”
“But we are truly in the presence of greatness tonight, aren’t we? I am thrilled to have been invited by the emissaries to the Prince of Verania, General Gary and Major Tiggy. Give them a hand, folks, won’t you?”
“General and Major?” Justin said, standing next to the stage. “What the hell—”
Gary stood up taller next to Tiggy, flipping his mane unnecessarily. “Thank you,” he said to the smattering of applause. “Just happy to be here. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, please. Stop. I didn’t actually mean stop. My gods, do none of you know what humble looks like? A lost cause, all of you.”
“I like pine cones,” Tiggy said, waving jovially at the crowd.
“Yes, yes, if there has ever been a more capable duo, then I’ve never met them,” Zal said. “Granted, I’ve never met any other unicorn or half-giant, so I could be completely wrong.”
“Wow, we didn’t pay you to insult us,” Gary said loudly. “Only Sam.”
“Funny, that,” Zal said. “You haven’t yet paid me at all. But! I digress. Before we move on to the main event, please enjoy this brief word from our sponsor, which helps to pay the bills since unicorns are apparently cheap as all hell.”
“Excuse you, you strange whore!”
Zal exited stage left, and that same godsdamn man who’d been with the bard the first time with the same godsdamn receding hairline walked onto the stage, looking bored as he frowned down at the dirty piece of parchment in his hands. When he spoke, his voice was as monotonous as ever. “Does your life seem as if it has lost any and all meaning? Is your plumbing backed up? Do you wake up in the middle of the night screaming because of the shadow monster on the ceiling that is about to descend and feast on your innards? If you answered yes to any of those questions, then have I got some great news for you. Dr. Troy’s Amazing Elixir for Depression, Constipation, and Defenestration. Just one sip and your life will be bright, your bowels will be tight, and you’ll be able to sleep all through the night. Dr. Troy’s Amazing Elixir for Depression, Constipation, and Defenestration. Buy it today.” He dropped his voice and spoke rapidly. “Dr. Troy is under royal decree to disclose that he is not a real doctor, has never been to medical school, and makes the elixir in his shack in the woods. It should not be consumed by children, pregnant women, or really anyone who doesn’t want to run the risk of learning what it feels like to have their insides pour to their outsides from every available orifice. It can be given to animals, but be advised that it will drive them mad and they will attack you until you are nothing but a pile of bone and gristle and regret.”
He scurried off the stage.
“I… hate… everyone,” I hissed out.
“I’m having such a wonderful time,” Gary said. “Tiggy. Oh, Tiggy. Are you having a wonderful time?”
“Eh,” Tiggy said. “Feels like unnecessary rehash.”
“I suppose,” Gary said. “But everything is so different now, you know there are going to be people who complain when things aren’t exactly like they used to be.”
“What… the hell… are you talking… about?”
Gary flipped his mane prettily. “Never you mind. Oh, look! Zal is back. What fun this is going to be!”
“Your brother weighs less than you,” I snarled.
“You bitch! Why, if I wasn’t already sitting down to hear whatever mess is going to pour from the bard’s mouth, you’d be dead. You hear me, Haversford? Dead.”
“Thank you, Jerome,” Zal said, strumming his lute. “You are a beacon of beauty in a darkened world.”
Jerome curled his hand into a fist and moved it up and down quickly, rolling his eyes.
“Indeed!” Zal said. “Now, I haven’t been to the Port in ages, and I see it still smells like fishy death. Don’t ever change, you hear me? I mean, why would you when you can literally taste the thick seafood fog in the air?”
“Thank you!” someone called out in the crowd. “That’s very kind of you!”
“I know,” Zal said easily. “But I must admit I didn’t have plans to stay here. After all, when one’s country has been taken over by Dark wizards, one tends to keep on moving, especially when one is a bard, as everyone knows a bard is most likely one of the most highly sought-after individuals in the country at the moment.”