“Anytime. And I mean that. Anytime.”
I glared at him. “I didn’t know accountants were supposed to be devious.”
“Do you know many accountants?”
“Well… no.”
“Then shut up.”
“Do I have to do the thing?” Justin groaned.
“Yes,” I said. “On stage, in front of everyone, and that will help me decide if I want to give a big, rousing speech that will inspire people generations to come.”
“You know what? I changed my mind. I don’t want to you to talk.”
I shrugged. “Your loss.”
“Dammit,” he muttered. “Okay, fine. I’ll do it. But then I will never do anything for you again.”
I grinned at him. “We both know that’s not true, but whatever you gotta tell yourself.”
He grumbled as he made his way back up on stage.
I grabbed Ryan’s hand and pulled him toward the opposite end of the table. “Lady Tina, Vadoma. You’re both looking… alive. Mom. Dad. I love your faces, so don’t ever change them. Gary. Tiggy. Your deaths will not be quick, and you will scream as I remove your intestines by attaching them to a winch and then turning said winch and pulling your guts out slowly. Kevin, you haven’t gotten on my shit list in the last twenty minutes, so keep it that way and we’ll be square.”
“He’s such a whiny little bitch,” Gary said to Tiggy.
“Right?” Tiggy said. “Bitches be whinin’.”
I smacked Gary on his left flank. “Rude. Also, I need your help. I have to give a speech that will inspire generations of people, and I just came to the realization that I have a startling fear of public speaking. I need you to help me overcome that fear, and also cowrite a speech with me.”
Ryan sighed like the drama queen he was.
“You’re in luck,” Kevin said. “I like public speaking because that means everyone’s attention is on me where it belongs.”
“And I write good speeches,” Tiggy said.
“And I will fix your appearance,” Gary said. “So people aren’t put off by how you normally look—I mean, bring out your inner self for all the world to see. How much time do we have? Three days?”
I glanced back at Justin, who was walking up the steps onto the stage. “Probably thirty seconds.”
They gaped at me.
“Justin is going to do the thing,” I said. “He wooed me into this with promises that were like balm to my beleaguered soul!”
“Huh,” Gary said. “Well, you’re fucked.”
“This gonna be funny,” Tiggy said. “Or sad.”
“One lesson I’ve always taught about public speaking is that you need to picture everyone in the audience naked,” Kevin said.
I blinked. “Oh, thank you. I suppose that could—”
“If it helps, I’m always naked.”
“And now I’m frightened again.”
“You know what?” Gary said. “Now that I think about it, I’m always naked too.”
“Tiggy be naked?”
My eyes widened because of the children. “No—”
“Tiggy be naked.”
And he dropped his drawers before holding his hands above his head and crowing loudly.
“He’s so wonderful,” Gary whispered to me. “We all are.”
I put my face in my hands.
“I’m hung,” Tiggy proclaimed loudly.
“I taught him that,” Gary said. “Because it’s true.”
“I am so glad they’re all back together again,” I heard Mom say.
“It was getting a little boring living in the refugee camp after our homes had been taken from us by evil wizards,” Dad agreed.
Justin cleared his throat loudly.
The crowd fell silent again.
Tiggy did not pull up his trousers.
It was good to be home.
“Thank you to Zal the Magnificent for that rousing rendition of… whatever that was,” Justin told the camp. “Truly. And since I now know who to blame for ‘Cheesy Dicks and Candlesticks,’ I’m even more grateful for your presence.”
Tiggy and Gary gulped audibly.
“I’ve already said most of what I could say,” he continued. “And I hope you take my words to heart. You are not alone. We are not defeated. We will not bow down to the shadows that crawl along our feet. I promise you, we will take back Verania.”
The crowd cheered.
“And now, I want to give the stage to someone who I think deserves our undivided attention.”
“He’s gonna do it,” I whispered fervently.
“Someone who has sacrificed much for King and Crown.”
“Oh my gods. Oh my gods.”
“Someone who will one day stand at my side at the throne in Castle Lockes.”
“Oh my gods oh my gods oh my gods—”
Justin looked rather pained as he said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my….”
“Say it,” I hissed. “Yaaassss, say it.”
“I give you my best friend 5eva, Sam of Dragons.”
The noise I made at that exact moment will not be described in detail here. Suffice it to say, I didn’t regret it one bit, even if everyone in my immediate vicinity turned to stare at me, as if they couldn’t believe such a sound could have come from a human being.
“That was amazing,” I said excitedly. “I knew he loved me more than anything else in the entire world. He just needed to be coerced into saying it by—”
“Ahem,” Justin said, glaring down at me. “Sam? If you don’t mind?”
I stared back up at him, confused. “Why would I mind? Justin, that was the greatest thing—”
“You need to go give your speech,” Ryan whispered to me.
“Oh. Oh. Riiiight. That. You know what? I’m good. Thanks, though.”
“Kevin,” Justin said.
“On it, boss man.” And then the traitorous dragon plucked me up from where I stood.
“Boss man,” I screeched, outraged. “You turncoat. I’m your boss man! Me! Sam of Dragons. Unhand me now, you vile creature!”
“He’s so loud for such a small thing,” Kevin said. “But as you wish.”
He set me down on the stage in front of the crowd of hundreds.
Instant stress sweat.
“Wow,” I whispered to Justin. “Did you know your bowels can loosen almost instantaneously? I didn’t know that until right this second.”
“I said the thing,” he growled back at me. “Now give the best speech you’ve ever given in your life.”
“I’ve never given any speech!”
“Well, here’s a good place to start.”
“Justin, why would you—where are you going? Are you leaving me up here by myself? Why would you do that to your best friend 5eva? You know what? I revoke that title. You are not—ah, man, I can’t do that to you. You’d be crushed. Never mind! Justin! Never mind! You are still my best friend 5eva!”
Someone in the crowd coughed quite pointedly. Like an asshole.
And then something remarkable happened.
Ryan Foxheart, the most dashing and immaculate Knight Commander that had ever existed, started to clap.
Slowly.
In the history of his lifetime, he had never started a slow clap.
He thought they were stupid.
But here he was, doing it just for me.
“I’m going to do you so gross later,” I threatened him under my breath. “Your asshole is going to be gaping.”
Tiggy, with his bits and bobs still hanging out, picked up on what Ryan was doing and began to clap along with him. Kevin started next. Gary followed by scraping the ground with his front left hoof. My parents joined in.
And it was like the dam broke after that.
Soon the entire camp was applauding me, even Lady Tina and Vadoma, though they didn’t seem to be very enthusiastic. I chalked that up to the fact that I hated them.
I now understood why people stood in front of others.
“I am so powerful,” I whispered. “Yes, love me. Love me.”
I raised a hand at the crowd.
They roared in response.
I raised my other hand.
They got even louder.
I did a little shimmy.
The cheers got quieter at that.
Rude.
I could do this.
I could do this.
Eventually they fell silent again, all eyes on me.
I swallowed thickly, wishing I could lift my robes to get a good breeze blowing on my nether region, but figured that probably wasn’t polite, especially since I was pretty much free-balling it underneath.
“Um. Hi,” I said.
Good start.