But I’ve made sure I’m between the shotgun and Heather, so when we both stop at the sound of his words, he would have to shoot through me to kill her, which he’s saying he’s going to do—my brain processes this as if it can’t accept self-sacrifice and refuses to move my feet when Heather takes another step. I don’t follow, and she’s in his range now.
“Lloyd, Lloyd, don’t do it. Let’s talk it over.” Detective Sax’s tiny voice comes through the phone on the floor as Lloyd repositions his grip on the shotgun, and it breaks my paralysis. I step closer to Heather.
Heather and Faye are pinned to me.
That’s when Lloyd says what I’ve been counting on him to say—some unconscious part of me has known all along. MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, YOONA.
“Hold on, Lloyd, slow down. Don’t do anything to ruin our deal. The car is ready outside now. It’s right there, Lloyd,” Sax urges.
YOONA IS GOING TO MAKE ME KILL HER AND JAESUNG’S BABY. HOW CAN I STOP HER?
“You can’t.” I speak to him over my shoulder.
A few more steps. If Lloyd pulls that trigger, we’re all doomed. But I know he won’t shoot your baby.
“Keep going,” I tell my friends and turn to face Lloyd again.
98
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, YOONA? OUR CAR IS DOWNSTAIRS. WE CAN GO TO THE AIRPORT AND GET ON A PLANE. PRESIDENT REAGAN IS WAITING FOR US. WE CAN FREE JAESUNG. YOU AND I CAN SEE HIM AGAIN.
“You don’t have proof, Lloyd.” I feel a calm spread through me. Is this what the students felt before they lit themselves on fire? Did you feel this when the other car collided into you? The door is still open, but my friends have gone through. “Give yourself up,” I tell Lloyd.
BUT WE’VE GOTTEN WHAT WE WANT.
“I don’t care what you do to me—I’m walking out right now.”
SERENA HAD A FAX FROM THE DIRECTOR OF THE KCIA. IT’S PROOF, ASK HIM—ASK SAX TO SEARCH HER ROOM. I TRIED TO GET HER TO SHOW IT TO ME, BUT SHE WOULDN’T. I’M SORRY I HAD TO SHOOT HER. I’M REALLY SORRY. YOONA, PLEASE. HE’S ALIVE. THE FAX SAYS HE’S A PRISONER IN NORTH KOREA. THE STATE DEPARTMENT KNOWS ABOUT HIM. THEY KNOW, AND THEY’RE GOING TO LET HIM ROT THERE. WE’RE SO CLOSE. THIS IS OUR REVOLUTION, YOONA. WE’VE DONE IT. THE SMALL REVOLUTIONS MAKE THE WAY FOR THE BIG ONES. REMEMBER WHAT JAESUNG SAID ABOUT SMALL REVOLUTIONS. THIS IS OUR REVOLUTION, YOONA. DON’T GIVE UP ON HIM NOW. HOW CAN YOU GIVE UP ON HIM NOW? I DID ALL THIS FOR HIM, FOR YOU.
Lloyd is talking so fast I can hardly understand what he’s saying. The room begins to spin, a record that is on fast-forward. What you said was there were many paths to revolution. What would you say about what Lloyd is doing here now?
YOU KNOW I HAD TO DO IT. SERENA IM IS A SPY. WHAT MUSICAL PRODIGY TAKES A YEAR OFF TO GO TO A CRAPPY SCHOOL LIKE WESTON? IT DOESN’T HAVE A MUSIC PROGRAM. I KNEW HER STORY WAS FULL OF SHIT. DID YOU EVER HEAR HER PLAY THE CELLO? EVER? SHE WAS LURING YOU TO NEW YORK WITH THAT INTERVIEW TO KIDNAP YOU. I MADE IT QUICK, FOR YOUR SAKE. ONE SHOT, LIKE ALL THOSE SPIES DO IT.
Serena’s face hovers before my eyes. “You and me, we’re not so different,” she used to say. “Okay, we are, but not really, not at our core.”
“Why didn’t anyone hear you shoot her, Lloyd?” I try to hold on to logic. I can’t believe what he’s saying. Not Serena too. There’s no bottom to this falling nightmare. Lloyd’s voice goes on and on.
IT WAS HER FATHER’S FRIEND. SHE SAID HE WORKED FOR THE KCIA AND GOT HOLD OF AN INTEROFFICE MEMO. THAT’S WHAT I WAS TRYING TO FIND. I ONLY MEANT TO SCARE HER WITH THE GUN. I MEANT TO MAKE HER GIVE ME THE FAX OF THAT MEMO, BUT SHE SAID I WAS CRAZY. SHE SAID IF YOU WERE PREGNANT, THEN I MUST HAVE RAPED YOU, AND I TOLD HER NOT TO SPREAD LIES. BUT SHE WAS GOING TO. SHE WAS. I HAD TO STOP HER. JAESUNG WOULD HATE ME. SHE WOULDN’T SHUT UP. I HAD TO SHUT HER UP. SHE WOULDN’T SHOW ME THE FAX. SO I HAD TO FORCE HER. YOU UNDERSTAND I DID IT FOR JAESUNG. FOR YOU. WE COULD USE THAT FAX TO PROVE THEY KNEW. THE STATE DEPARTMENT KNEW ABOUT HIM.
99
Lloyd’s voice is babble now, nonsensical babble. So much gone. Everyone gone. And I’m at the center of it. Me. Me. Me. What have I done?
100
“Yoona.” It’s your voice calling to me. “Get up.”
101
I’m kneeling on the floor. I don’t remember how I came to be on the floor. I stand up. “You have a memo?” I can hear my voice, and it’s shaky. Lloyd still has the shotgun pointing in my direction, but he’s lowered it.
THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES SENSE IS THAT TONGSU CHO MUST HAVE BEEN A NORTH KOREAN SPY. I REMEMBER NOW THERE WAS THE SMELL OF FISH. WE WERE DRIVING TO THE DOCKS. JAESUNG WAS KIDNAPPED. SHIT, HE PROBABLY AGREED TO HELP UNIFY THE COUNTRY BY WORKING WITH THE NORTH. BUT HE MUST HAVE CHANGED HIS MIND ONCE HE GOT THERE. HE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE. THE MEMO SAYS HE’S IN PRISON. IF HE WANTED TO GO THERE TO HELP, WHY WOULD THEY PUT HIM IN PRISON, YOONA?
“Show it to me, Lloyd.”
I THOUGHT YOU AND I COULD GO BACK TO HER ROOM AND SEARCH IT FOR THE ACTUAL MEMO. IF YOU JUST LISTENED TO ME, I WOULDN’T HAVE FORCED DAIYU TO COME. I WOULDN’T HAVE MADE HEATHER AND FAYE COME IN HERE. BUT YOU WOULDN’T EVEN TALK TO ME. DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT MADE ME FEEL? LOOK WHAT I BOUGHT—I WANTED TO THINK IT COULD BE OUR BABY. ALL OF OURS. WE WERE THREE—A TEAM IN KOREA, WEREN’T WE?
“Let her go, Lloyd.” Sax’s voice comes through a bullhorn.
JESUS, WHAT THE FUCK. Lloyd lurches to the window and pulls aside the curtain, peers outside. It’s the farthest he’s opened the curtain, and sunlight is streaming in, the mute October light of afternoon. Is it afternoon already? My abdomen aches, and I think I’m so past wanting to pee that I’m cramping. Lloyd rushes to pick up the phone and shouts into it. NOW YOU HAVE THE GIRLS. WHERE’S THE CAR?
“It’s over, Lloyd. Let the girl go.” Sax continues to use the bullhorn.
YOONA, TELL HIM YOU WANT A CAR.
“Ask him for the memo,” I tell him from the doorway.
OKAY, OKAY, WAIT. He holds the phone back up to his ear. ARE YOU THERE? IN SERENA’S ROOM THERE’S A MEMO FROM THE STATE DEPARTMENT. TELL YOONA YOU FOUND IT. He motions for me to come to the phone, but I don’t move from the doorway.
102
Sax’s voice comes through the bullhorn, distorted at the end. “Come on, Lloyd. We’ve searched the entire room, and there’s no memo. You’ve got to save yourself while you still have time. I can help you, but not for much longer. Give me a chance to help you, Lloyd.”
Lloyd holds his free hand up, covers his ear. His eyes are frantic. YOONA, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME. SAX DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THE MEMO LOOKS LIKE. HE WOULDN’T KNOW A CONSPIRACY IF IT HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD.
“You’re pointing a gun at me, Lloyd.”
WHAT, THIS? He drops the gun, and it bounces on the floor once before lying there. THIS WAS THE ONLY WAY.
“Lloyd.”
His hands are open and empty. YOU WOULDN’T FUCKING TALK TO ME. I FOUND THE MEMO. I FOUND OUT SERENA WAS A SPY. I FOUND JAESUNG. ME, I FOUND HIM ALL BY MYSELF, BECAUSE YOU STOPPED TRYING. WHY DON’T YOU BELIEVE ME?
“You’ve lied from the beginning.”