“That’s not going to change my mind,” I said. “Get out or I’ll call campus police.”
“Daiyu and Heather? They must have known all along. That’s what Faye meant when she said you had big decisions to make. That’s what Serena said when she said you were switching majors. She meant this. She meant you were going to be a mother. You’re having Jaesung’s child.” He jumped up and down in place, spilling the contents of the folder to the floor. He swung his arms as if he were punching ghosts. “What will you name him? It can’t be too close to Jaesung’s name, but maybe he’ll look like him, and I’ll take care of him. I’d be his godfather, of course, until Jaesung comes back. He’ll be so happy, and he’ll know we never forgot about him. We kept his memory alive. I’ll tell his son all about the things we did over the summer, how great his father—”
“Lloyd, what about me?” I was becoming furious. “This is about me. It’s happening to me. Inside my body, Lloyd. I’m not doing it. I can’t do it. I won’t ruin my life.”
“You?” He stared at me. “Is that what this is about? You’re only thinking about you? I’m not going to let you kill Jaesung’s child. No one is going to hurt Jaesung ever again.” He lunged at me but then jerked back like a dog on a leash, turned, and ran out of the room.
I was shaking and breathing hard. I ran to the bathroom and threw up. With my head hanging over the toilet, I knew I would never make it to the clinic. I just didn’t know how it would happen.
I missed the next two days of classes, going only to the dining hall or food truck and then returning to my room, nervous about running into Lloyd on campus. I finished two papers. And now I had to deliver one to Professor Wong’s office. It was six forty-five on Friday, and most students were in the dining hall for dinner. Leaves had fallen almost overnight, blanketing the grass in rusty shades, and it was dark, dark as the middle of the night. An owl hooted somewhere in a tree behind me. An oddly persistent owl whose hoot became a wolf’s howl. It was an eerie sound, and when I looked at the expanse of the empty quad I had to traverse, I had second thoughts about delivering my essay. In the next minute, the wolf was in front of me on the walkway. Lloyd howled, his hands in his pockets, wearing a long gray coat. I turned around and began walking back to my room, but he ran around to face me from that side. So I turned again, and this time he ran right up to me, and I flinched.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” he said.
I sucked in my breath and tried to appear as if he didn’t rattle me.
“I’m busy, Lloyd.”
He peered at me. I held up my hand to shield myself. He looked ecstatic, with flushed cheeks and a smile that couldn’t contain his teeth. I attempted to walk around him, but he mirrored my steps and remained an obstacle, hopping in some sort of wild dance.
“Leave me alone,” I said.
“Why should I?”
“I’ll scream.”
“Go ahead.”
“I have to hand in these papers.”
“I don’t like the way that Professor Wong looks at you.”
“Get out of my way, Lloyd.”
“Not until you cancel your appointment in Scranton.”
“How do you know about that?” I hadn’t told anyone, not Serena, not Heather or Faye or Daiyu.
“You just told me,” he said. He laughed up at the sky.
I tried again to walk past him, but he moved with me and grabbed at my arms, which I pulled out of his grasp. “You disgust me, you know that?”
I was aware of how ridiculous we looked, twisting as we did, in one direction and then the next, but I had to get away from him. I fought the impulse to lose control entirely.
“It could be mine. What if it’s mine?” he taunted.
That sent ice down my throat. And I forced myself to talk to him. “Listen to me, Lloyd. Lloyd Kang, are you listening to me?”
He looked expectantly into my eyes. He was pleased with himself. “I’m all yours,” he said. “It could be mine, there’s a chance. You have to admit there’s a chance.”
“We never came close to it, Lloyd. I love Jaesung.”
“See? You think he’s still alive.” He smiled triumphantly.
“Stop saying it could be yours.”
“There was that one night, remember? You were drunk, my god, so drunk, and so sad. You were so sad and lonely. You said I should stay because you didn’t want to be alone. You were soft and warm, and it was such a cold night, no heat in the room, remember, and we even talked about how guilty we felt, you know, afterward, about Jaesung. You told me about your dad. It makes sense, but don’t worry, I’ll explain to Jaesung how it happened. I don’t love you, so that’s okay—you’re not my type, honestly. I need a much older woman, and he knows that. Miss Ahn on the tour, she liked me. Jaesung knew about that. So he’ll forgive us. We were trying to help him, and we didn’t mean any of it, just like that.”
“It’s not yours in any way. It can’t be.”
“Well, that clears it up. It said so in your file, but, then again, it’s an approximation. Since you’re nauseous, the baby doesn’t have the placenta to feed off of yet, so that could put you at six weeks, which might make me the father.”
“Still wouldn’t work. Forget it. Do the math.”
“You’re making me suffer, but that’s okay. That’s what you do. You made Jaesung suffer, and now you’re making me. I forgive you. Look, we could raise the baby here. Until we find Jaesung, of course. My parents would help us with money. My mother cried. I called her from Daiyu’s room, and she said she wants to help us raise this baby. I’ve never heard her as excited about anything before. I think this baby is going to change everything.” He opened his arms. “I’ve been thinking it over, and my plan would work. Of course, if the baby is Jaesung’s, I’d step aside. He’d want me to. But if it’s mine, then he’d have to step aside. And after all he’s been through, he might prefer if I raise the baby anyway. I’m better for this. He’s going to be a world leader, but I could be his adviser, part-time. Being a father is a full-time job. I’d make him understand, and even if it was his child, maybe he’d let me. I think he would. The more I think about it. He’d say, you’re the only one who didn’t give up on me. You can have this child.”
I couldn’t hear any more of this. He was crazy.
I hadn’t seen how delusional he was before. He wasn’t going to go away. Every few feet in this part of the quadrangle, there was a blue light on a lamp pole marking the emergency telephones. I was close to one. “I’m warning you.”
“You mean, kill our baby.”
“It’s not yours.”
“So you admit it’s a baby?”
“No, it’s not. It’s none of your business. I can’t.”
“We have to be saved from ourselves sometimes, Yoona.”
“I’ll cancel my appointment in Scranton. I’m going home first.” The lie came as a desperate attempt to get away from him.