“Well, okay, talk to me. Not the workload—is it the social scene?”
“Is there any reason the Chun regime would kidnap an American student?”
“You’re talking South Korea, President Chun?” He leaned back again, his hands on the armrests this time.
“I’m saying what would be the point?”
“If the student is thought to be a spy, North Korea might kidnap people they think are spies. Well, South Korean spies.”
Lloyd was right. Could it be North Korea who took you? “If they thought he was South Korean because he’s Korean American. I mean he was born here in the States, but he looks Korean. Speaks Korean.”
“It’s not likely, because what would be the motive? As soon as they found out, they’d give him back. Kim Il Sung doesn’t want an all-out war with the United States, and with all the troops at the DMZ, South Korea would love an excuse to start one.”
“They’d give him back? Say it was a mistake?” I pressed him for more.
“It’d be pretty fast. If it was a mistake, they’d know immediately. They’ve kidnapped fishermen and South Koreans, but an American citizen? It wouldn’t be in their best interest to try something like that.” Julian began shuffling the papers on his desk and looked as if he’d like to read a few of them at that very moment.
“So you think it couldn’t happen.” I let out a breath.
“Not really,” he said and seemed satisfied that he’d put his papers in order. He looked up at me.
“Is there anyone you’d call to find out?”
“Is this about political persecution of journalists in Korea? Are you focusing on KBS and the National Security Law?”
“Maybe.”
“You can’t get much information about the Blue House. Maybe in a few years.”
“So you’re saying there isn’t any reason to lie about an American student if anything happened to him in Korea?”
“You okay, Yoona? You should take a seat.”
I stayed on my feet. “Thanks, but I’ve got to go.”
“I’m not one of those who stick to a tight schedule. I told everyone in class I want six papers this semester in addition to the final. If you need more time for these two, you’ll just have to do a lot of work at the end of the semester. We’re going to get to more censorship issues as the semester goes on, so maybe you’ll want to write about a topic you can find more information on then. Don’t sweat it. I mean it, okay?”
I nodded and turned to leave.
“I’ll see you in class tomorrow, right?” he called after me.
I told him I would be there, but it was an automatic response. Julian had said there was no chance you were kidnapped, and I believed him. I’d hoped he’d convince me that Chun or Kim Il Sung, one of them, had taken you. And offer a way to find you.
95
I called the number on my ripped piece of envelope, and Lloyd’s father answered. I told him Lloyd was headed back to New York, threatening to kill himself on the way but heading back. He thanked me and hung up without another word.
Lloyd was in my room on Wednesday afternoon, sitting on my bed. He had a light-blue folder on his lap. It was familiar, but I couldn’t remember why.
“You should be more careful about locking your door,” he said, answering the question I was about to shout at him. Something about him made me nervous. It was like that time in the mandu shop when he smashed that cup. He swept his arm across my bedside table and knocked the lamp to the floor, the phone and the receiver, knocking everything off, the mug, a spoon. I steeled myself. Not in my room, I thought, not the way my father raged at home, but this time I was more nervous than when I’d been firm with him at my house. This time I stayed quiet and let him talk. All about how much he trusted me. Had trusted me. Had never thought I’d betray him this way. That he’d gone with me to my parents’ house and had been polite. Not let on all the things I’d told him about them. But not me. Me, I’d told his parents all the things he’d said. I’d made them think he was crazy. I’d told Faye and Daiyu and Heather that he was crazy. He knew because they wouldn’t let him in their rooms anymore, and he knew because they walked away when he approached them.
“Were there ever people following you?” I said. “Was any of it true? Is Jaesung alive?” I could hardly get your name out.
“How can you ask me that?” he said, and he fell on his knees and pulled me down to the floor beside him. “Yoona, you and Jaesung, you’ve been the only two people in the world who I knew were my friends. True friends. I’ve never lied to you. I’d never lie to you. I mean, I don’t know what’s happened between us. I’ve been trying to figure it out, but you just changed.”
I didn’t know what to say. I pulled my hands away and began righting the things he’d upended. I put the receiver back on the phone, but left it on the floor, because he reached for my hands again. I had to figure out a way to get him out of my room.
“Your parents want to help you,” I said.
“My parents? Are you kidding me? They want to lock me up.”
This time I was firm. Here was my opening. “They’re really worried about you. Lloyd, you need to see your doctor and get help.”
“Are you really pregnant with Jaesung’s baby?” he said. Half his breath must have been held as he spoke. His heart must have felt to him as if it had paused. I saw the stillness. He waited for confirmation.
I had to protect October 22.
He opened the folder. “You wanted official, I got official—just not about Jaesung. The clinic is easy to break into.”
I saw my name at the top of the document.
“Don’t you see?” he continued. “They’ll never win now. Even though they have Jaesung, they’ll never have his son.”
I backed away from him. “I’m calling the police.”
“The love you two had was so powerful you made a new life. Even when they tried to stop him, they couldn’t, don’t you see? And when he’s released, he’ll have this child to come home to. Don’t you see?”
“That’s confidential, Lloyd. It’s illegal to look at someone’s files.”
“You’re in shock, and they’ve convinced you—when did you find out? Is this the reason why you’ve shut me out? Because I’m Jaesung’s best friend, and you want to pretend this baby isn’t real? It all makes sense now. Your feelings for me changed because they convinced you not to have this baby. They turned you against me. Who was it? Was it your father? Your mother? Willa. It was Willa, wasn’t it?”
“No, no, no, no, no,” I repeated. I walked to the door and held it open. It had worked before, and I was counting on it again. I had to get him out of my room. A week, my head reminded me. Seven days and I wouldn’t be standing on this precipice anymore.
“If we make an announcement, a public one, they’ll know Jaesung has a son,” he said.
“Get out, Lloyd.”
“What if I convince Willa and your mom? Your dad too, because they’d want a grandchild if they really thought about it. What if I convince them that you must have this baby?”