“Old?” I said, outraged. “I’m not old.”
“Bitch,” Gary said to me. “You gonna get wrinkles if you keep making that face.”
“I’ve been drugged,” I decided, because it was the only thing that made sense. “Somehow, I’ve been drugged, and this whole damn thing has been some weird side effect. I’m probably in the castle, in my bed, hallucinating my balls off.”
“Let me handle this,” Kevin said, pushing me out of the way as he stepped forward. “I obviously am trained in dealing with these exact situations.”
“You’ve trained your dragon for this?” Ruv asked. “That’s impressive.”
“We haven’t trained him to do anything,” Ryan said. “He usually just does what he wants and we let him. Because he’s bigger than us.”
“Ah,” Ruv said. “How emasculating for you.”
Ryan frowned. “Are you insulting me?”
“Hello!” Kevin said, standing in front of Jekhipe, who was still moaning about getting hit in the face by old people. “I am the Lord Dragon, Kevin. The Beast from the East. As you can see, I, too, am a dragon. And as you can also probably see, I am far more masculine than everyone here. My virility is legendary. People worship me. I am in charge of this group that you see behind me. I also act as ambassador, rugged mascot, and sexual liaison.”
“Literally none of that is true aside from his name,” I said. “Absolutely none of it. Kevin, what the hell.”
Kevin tossed me a glare over his shoulder. “Sam,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’m trying to make a connection here, so if you could please stop undermining my authority.” He turned back to the snake dragon. “Sorry about that. He gets a little… jealous when my attention is on others. He’s very possessive of me, Sam is.”
I groaned into my hands.
“It okay,” Tiggy said, rubbing my back. “You learn to share. I teach you. Don’t touch my stuff.”
“You’re so good at everything you do,” Gary said, pressing his face against Tiggy’s arm. “My big, sweet brute of a giant.”
“Pretty Gary,” Tiggy said, kissing him on the ear. “Prettiest unicorn ever.”
“You were insulting me,” Ryan said to Ruv. “Hey! I’m a man. I’m all man.”
“How wonderful for you,” Ruv said. “And obviously, because you feel the need to say it.”
“We come in peace,” Kevin said to Jekhipe. “And bringeth you tidings of great joy from the King of Verania, on whose behalf I speaketh on. He wisheth you a long and healthy life. Eth and thou.”
“Urgh,” Jekhipe groaned, curling in on himself. “I feel like my soul is getting turned inside out and it’s filled with crows and lament.”
I pushed my way past Kevin, giving him a good kick in the leg as I went by, though I knew he’d barely feel it. It made me feel slightly better, at least. I was cautious as I stood next to him, staring at Jekhipe, who was moaning about how the world didn’t understand him, that all he wanted to do was crawl back into his hole and sit in the dark and be left alone, gods.
“Why the hell are you acting like a sullen teenager?” I demanded, trying not to get too close in case this was all a ruse and he was going to snap at me.
He opened a single dark eye to look at me. “Uh, duh. I am a teenager.”
I said, “What.”
“You don’t even listen to me,” he wailed, curling in on himself again. “Nobody ever understands me and my deep thoughts and feelings!”
“Um, Ruv?”
“Yes, Sam?”
“Is this the dragon from the drawings you’ve seen passed down by your people?”
“Yes, Sam.”
“Okay. So. Just. Wait.” I frowned. “I’m lost. Kevin?”
“Beats me,” Kevin said. “We’re not the same kind of dragon. Don’t be racist, Sam. I don’t say that all you humans look alike. That’s mean.”
“That’s not what I was saying!”
“What’s so hard to understand?” Jekhipe said. “I sleep for ninety-nine years, stay awake for one, and then go back to sleep. I’m not that old.”
This was bad. This was very, very bad.
“Okay,” I said. “Okay. So. How old are you?”
“One thousand four hundred years old,” Jekhipe said, as if I was the most annoying thing in creation.
“And you’re only awake for one year at a time.”
“Yeah, that’s what I said, gods.”
“And you sleep the rest of the time.”
“Yes. Why are you on my back about this?”
“So,” I said slowly. “Technically, you are fourteen years old.”
“Wow,” Jekhipe said. “Look at you. Do you do any other tricks aside from math? Gods, why can’t you all just leave me alone so I can contemplate the meaning of my existence and why we’re all probably just some sort of cosmic accident put here to achieve nothing but endless suffering?”
And that was how I met a teenage emo dragon.
I SAT on a rock, my face in my hands, rocking back and forth and moaning. “Why. Why does this happen to me? Why? Whyyyy?”
“At least this continues to prove my point I made a long time ago,” Ryan said from beside me. “You’re the common denominator in all this. It feels good being right.”
I peered through my fingers to glare at him.
“Not helping,” he said hastily. “Right. I can see that. Look, if it makes you feel better, it’s really not your fault.”
“Thanks,” I said, dropping my hands. “That does make me feel a little bit better.”
“Good,” Ryan said, smiling at me. “After all, it’s not your fault the gods seem to have it out for you and throw every obstacle in your path that they can.”
I put my face back in my hands again and said, “Whyyyy.”
“I wonder what this means for the others?”
“What others?”
“The other dragons. If this one is… like this, what does that mean for the mountain dragons? Or the Great White?”
I almost told him that the Great White was already an asshole, but then remembered I hadn’t said anything to anyone about the dragon’s words to me in the vision. I thought maybe I should say something, but I didn’t want anyone thinking I couldn’t do this. Because I could. And I would prove to the Great White and the star dragon what I was capable of.
Of course, that meant dealing with Jekhipe. Which, you know, sucked.
Ryan took my hands away from my face and held them in his on his lap, digging his thumbs into the palms. It felt good, being this close to him right now. I felt like I was flying in a hundred different directions, and I think he knew that, knew I needed something grounding me. I was still tired from expending as much magic as I had, but my strength was returning, slowly but surely.
“We’ll figure it out,” he murmured. “You’ll see. We always do.”
“Yeah. One dragon at a time, you know? I’m sure the others will be a clusterfuck too, but no need to worry about that until we get there.”
“You good now?” I heard Gary ask.
I looked up, squinting against the sunlight to see Gary and Tiggy standing over me.
“Define good.”
“Better than you were?”