With what I can only see as deep tenderness, Esben embraces his sister, holding her close and rubbing her back. “I am. I’m so sorry.”
I back away, feeling as though I’m witnessing something private. To distract myself, I head back to the main gallery, where I take pictures and post a few online; I even manage to successfully tag Kerry in the ones of her art. This does keep me busy, but it certainly does not make me forget that I have never seen Esben look so unhappy. This is beyond the upset of anything online that drives him to act. This is personal. For twenty minutes, I busy myself.
Then I feel Kerry’s hand on my shoulder. She is calm but serious. “Hey.”
“Are you all right?” I am very concerned about both her and Esben now.
“I am. But there’s a painting I didn’t realize would be hanging in that room. I should have checked. It’s something that I did for myself, and I never meant for him to see it.” She touches her hair and tries to smile. “I’d like Esben to talk to you. It’s my story to tell in many ways, but I’d like him to tell you, because it’s also very much his story.”
“Okay, but . . . if this is private, if it’s just between you two—”
“I want you to know. You’ll understand Esben more, and . . . you’re my friend, too, Allison, and I want you to hear this. But I’d like Esben to tell you. That will help him. You may need to push, but it’s important to me. Can you do that?”
I nod, confused, and hug her. She squeezes me back harder than I expected, and even though she remains calm, she does take a number of long, intense breaths.
“I am okay, Allison. I really am,” she says in my ear. “Please know that, and please get him to see that. So, make him talk to you. Promise me that you will.”
My stomach drops, and I know something is very wrong. I pull back to look at her directly. “I promise.”
“Now, I am going to enjoy the rest of my night.” She puts on a real smile. “Is hunky Jason still here?”
I point to the front of the room, where Jason is awkwardly buttoning and unbuttoning his blazer. “I don’t think he’s leaving any time soon.”
“God, he’s so hot,” she says.
“And tall,” I point out.
“Way tall. I find that so sexy.” She giggles and heads toward him. A few feet away, she looks back, more solemn again. “Hey, Allison? Thank you.”
My heart hurts when I go to Esben. He’s still in front of the painting, and I stand next to him.
I catch my breath when I take in what’s in front of me. It’s another abstract, but unlike the other Kerry produced, this one screams its colors, its anger. Harsh brushstrokes rip across the canvas, jagged edges create a border that unsettles me, and everything about her work is fueled by rage. Slowly, I let my eyes travel to the card underneath.
TITLE: SHATTER ME
ARTIST: KERRY BAYLOR
Esben has not moved. His voice trembles when he finally speaks, and I can barely hear him. “Can we go? I want to go.”
“Of course.” But he stays where he is.
I take his hand. “Esben, look at me.”
Slowly, slowly, he does. His eyes are sad. So tremendously sad.
“I’ve got you,” I tell him. “I’ve got you. Let’s go.”
CHAPTER 19
RELIVING
I lead him out the back door, and he walks with me numbly. The wind is bitter tonight, and I pull his coat closed, because he doesn’t seem to notice the cold. When we get back to my room, I sit him on the couch.
“Do you want a drink?” I ask.
He’s slumped over, looking at the floor. “No.”
“Okay.”
Esben shakes off his coat and tosses it on the floor. “Actually, yes.”
After some rummaging, I pour him a shot of what’s left from Steffi’s visit, and he waves away my offer of lime and salt and shoots the tequila straight. I sit next to him and wait. He takes two more shots and then leans forward and rubs his face.
“I spoke with Kerry,” I offer gently.
He nods from behind his hands.
“She’d like you to tell me about the painting.”
“No. I can’t.” His voice is level and sure. He’s not messing around here. “I don’t want you to hear this, Allison.”
“You’ve heard all of my stories. All of my pain. Let me hold some of yours.” I am overtaken by how I am only now considering that Esben’s past may include anything but love and ease. It’s only tonight that I realize that no one gets through life unscathed. Not even Esben. I was blinded by what I saw as his untainted life, his unfailing positivity. But even the best and the strongest are penetrable.
“I don’t want you to hear this because I screwed up, okay? I screwed up so bad. So unforgivably.” The break in his voice is gutting.
“I can’t imagine that’s true.”
“It is.” He clearly sees this as an indisputable truth—and he leaves little room for argument.
“I understand that this is impossibly difficult, but it would mean a lot to Kerry.” Sobriety would probably be a smart idea, but I take the tequila and swig a shot straight from the bottle. “She was very clear about that.”
He says nothing for the next few minutes, then takes another shot from the bottle before sitting back.
“When I was a junior in high school and Kerry was a sophomore, I dragged her to a party at some kid’s house. His parents were away, so everyone was hyped up about it, and it was this big, drunken scenario. Kerry didn’t really want to go, but I’d told my parents that we were going to a movie, and I convinced her to come. The girl I was dating, Jenny, was going to be there, and I wanted to see her someplace without parents around. So, we go to this party, and Kerry was clinging to me, because she didn’t really know anyone there. And I didn’t care that she was my sister who I’d thrown into a new and shitty situation.” He sighs. “All I could think about was hooking up with Jenny. So, I called over a couple of seniors that I barely knew. I thought Kerry would be into talking to older guys, and they were good-looking and popular and all that. And she did seem to like them. They all got to talking and laughing, and she even . . . she even told me how cute one of them was. I saw her flirt. She seemed happy and into it. So I pawned her off on them. Because,” he states assuredly, “I was selfish and dumb and thoughtless. Reckless. Later that night, Jenny and I found an empty room so we could fool around. I left Kerry alone with people I hardly knew. With booze everywhere and drunken idiots, in some stranger’s house. Really goddamn smart, right? I did what no brother should ever do.”