The painting? Yes, it’s violent. But it helps express what happened. It gives me power. A visual way for me to expel that night. It’s a positive thing.
I can’t stand for him to be holding on to this.
I give Esben my phone. “Read.”
Hesitantly, he goes through her texts. Then he types for a while on his own phone before tossing it on the couch. “I didn’t want you to see me like this. I’m sorry. I should go. I’m so tired.”
“No,” I say. “Don’t go. Stay here.”
His smile is so sweet and so full of emotional and physical exhaustion. “If you’d said that any other night . . .”
I set a hand on his chest. “Not like that. Just stay here. Stay with me. I don’t want you to be alone, and I don’t want to be without you. So stay.”
He looks at me for a long time, and his eyes grow wet again. “I’d really . . .” He struggles to speak. “I’d really like that.”
“Then let’s go to bed, okay?”
Without waiting for an answer, I pick up my phone and then help him walk to my room. Despondently, he sits on my bed, and I take off his shoes and socks. I push back the covers, then undo the top of his jeans. “Lie back.” He watches me as I pull the zipper and ease down his pants. This is arguably not how I thought I might first take off his pants, but he can’t sleep like this. I turn off the overhead light. Though it’s dark, it’s not pitch-black, and I know that he can see me as I get out of my dress and into a T-shirt.
“You really are so gorgeous,” he says.
“I think you’re a little drunk,” I say with a laugh. I slip under the comforter and rest my head on the pillow.
Esben rolls into me, and I move my arm under him so that he’s on his side, resting his head on my chest. “Yes. But tequila doesn’t make me lie. It just lets the truth come out. And you are beautiful. Everything about you.” He wraps an arm over my stomach and secures our closeness. “I hate that you know this. I hate that I’m a mess. I hate that Kerry was hurt so badly. I hate all of it.”
“I know you do. But secrets will pull you under and drown you. You taught me that. We are beyond secrets. Way past them. You do not have to be infallible, Esben. You’re allowed to be human and to have hurt and worry and . . . pain. And sharing those with me? It makes you stronger, in my eyes. That’s how you’ve made me feel.” I try to soothe him with my words, with my touch. When I run my hand over his shoulder and up and down his arm, I can feel him relax against me, so I don’t stop.
He is indeed drunk, because as he begins to drift into the dark of the night, he says, “I love you, Allison. It happened when I wasn’t looking for it, when I didn’t know I needed it. But I fell in love with you so quickly and so smoothly. So without question.” He shifts closer against me. “Don’t say anything. I just wanted you to know.”
Esben drifts off immediately, and I lie in the quiet, with his body glued to mine. I’m so floored by what he’s said, and I wouldn’t know how to respond if he were awake, but I keep him against me and soak in the feeling of this indescribable boy who has his body wrapped over mine.
When he is solidly asleep, I stretch for my phone and call Kerry.
“Hey,” she says.
“Hey,” I whisper back.
“He’s okay?”
“Esben is asleep, and, yes, he’s going to be fine. It was just a rough night because he loves you so much. But he understands what you need him to.”
“Thank you. That makes me feel so much better.”
“Thank you for trusting me.” I pause. “Telling you that I’m sorry you went through this isn’t enough. I don’t know what to say except to let you know how much I care about you. I don’t have many friends, but you’re one of them, Kerry, and I’m proud of you for surviving with so much strength. And if you ever want to talk . . .”
“I’d like that, Allison. I don’t keep this a secret, but I don’t talk to everyone about it, obviously. But you’re so great, and it means a lot that you didn’t run from this screaming. I threw a lot at you tonight, unexpectedly, and you handled it with grace.” She exhales loudly. “And now you understand why he does what he does, don’t you?”
“Yes,” I reply. It hurts to say what I do. “He wants to undo what he thinks he did. He wants to prove that the world is more than just brutal. To prove that there is good.”
“Exactly,” she says. “He’s a warrior.”
“He is,” I agree. “And he’s going to win this battle.” I run my hand through his hair while he sleeps against me.
“Absolutely. But, still, you’ll watch over him for me, yes? He only lets me get so close. It’s why I wanted him to tell you about this. At this point, he has more healing to do than me. So, watch over him.”
“Always,” I assure her. “Always.”
CHAPTER 20
BREAKFAST BLEND
When I wake the next morning, Esben is still curled over me, asleep. Despite the circumstances of how he ended up here, I can’t help but admit how wonderful it feels to have him here. Lightly, so as not to wake him, I rub his back. I cannot believe that I have this handsome, dynamic, interesting, funny, caring boy in my arms right now. Three months ago, I would have totally rejected the idea that I could be as happy as I am today.
It’s way before my alarm will go off, but I can’t get back to sleep. I’m not crazy about extricating myself from Esben, but nature calls. And, more strongly, coffee calls. Simon sent me back to school after Thanksgiving with a pound of a breakfast blend, and I’m craving a cup. And after the tequila shots my boyfriend downed, he’ll probably be even more in need of coffee than me. While I’m sorry that he’s probably going to wake with a hangover, I do rather love the impending opportunity to take care of him and make him feel better. There’s a novelty in this that swells me. Gently, I touch my lips to the top of his head and then ease my body out from his hold. I slip on my robe before tiptoeing out of the room and quietly shutting the door.
While a pot of strong coffee is brewing and sending off steam and an awakening aroma, I check my phone.
There’s a text from Steffi that came in the middle of the night. Yo, social-media user! Nice pics. You look beautiful, and Esben gets sexier every minute. I mean that in a nonlascivious manner. Mostly.
I smile and start to text back, but the phone rings in my hands.
“Steff, what are you doing up? It’s three thirty in the morning there!”
“I don’t know. Can’t sleep. Saw your text bubbles and decided to call.”
“How is erotic Esben?”
“Oh my God, Steff!” I cover my mouth to muffle my giggling. “You are not to start calling him that!”
She gasps. “You’re whispering! You’re whispering! He’s there, isn’t he? Naked and strapping and passed out in your bed from the hours of hot sex!” She is way too joyful about this idea.
“He is not naked!” I go into the Jenga/inflatable-unicorn room but still keep my voice down. “But he is here.”
“Because he stayed the night?”