I wished I could. Or I wished I loved him less. Because then the stakes wouldn’t be so high. There wouldn’t be as far to fall if he let me down—when he let me down. And I was already so far gone.
Jacob had managed to slip me into his life, so gently, so seamlessly, that I didn’t even realize how much of myself I’d already surrendered until I stood in his house this morning, suddenly fully awake.
When I was looking around his living room, it was like I’d blacked out three months ago and woke up pregnant and a common-law wife to a man I’d just met. That was the reality of this. I’d just met him. We hadn’t even gone through a full season yet together, and I was living with him and expecting his damn baby.
If I didn’t know Nick after twelve years, how could I possibly know Jacob after just a few months? And no matter how well you know someone, or for how long, you can never be in their head. You can never know what they’re really thinking. Even if it feels perfect, even if they feel perfect—perfect isn’t actually perfect.
There’s always the chance of rejection.
My heart wanted to believe that maybe Jacob was different. Maybe we were soul mates, and that’s why it had all happened so fast and so easily. But my brain screamed that I was just stupid—making impulsive, irresponsible decisions with a stranger. And it was one thing to do this when only my heart was on the line. But it was something else to do this to a child.
I had no doubt Jacob would be a wonderful daddy. He’d always want our baby. But he probably wouldn’t always want me. And I didn’t want my kid to have to see me crumble into a million pieces when that time came. Watch us separate one day, him packing his bags and moving out the way I’d watched my daddy do once.
I had to make choices now to protect her later.
I blinked into the room, staring through tears at the dark spots on the walls where posters used to be.
I couldn’t explain the intense, panicked flight response I was feeling. The need to run. Push him away before he hurt me, like all the other important men in my life had. Get myself to safety before it was too late, insulate myself before history repeated itself.
I put my face to my knees again.
I was desperate for him to tell me I hadn’t made a horrible mistake. I wanted Jacob to make me all the promises and tell me it was going to be okay, that I was safe and loved and he wanted this and he wanted me. I wanted him to tell me we were different, and I wished to God that I was the kind of undamaged person who could believe something like that.
But I wasn’t. And I probably never would be.
Chapter 46
Jacob
Briana called out of work on Monday and the day after. Those were the last two shifts we had until the time off for the surgery.
She had called me the night she left. She’d apologized in tears for snapping at me and told me she just needed some space. She’d asked if I could come over on Wednesday to talk. And so I waited for Wednesday. That was all I could do.
This change in her felt deeper than just the shock of seeing her ex with his new wife. There was something else going on, and I couldn’t figure out what it was.
I missed her so much. I didn’t know what to do. I was living somewhere between anxiety and a dull panic attack, constantly. My heart felt like it was grasping around in the dark, searching for hers because it used to be there and now it wasn’t.
I couldn’t sleep without her. I lay in bed at night, my mind racing. I’d poured myself into my journal because my feelings had nowhere else to go.
Nothing was okay. Nothing.
When Wednesday mercifully rolled around, I had to get bloodwork done before going to see her. The transplant was the day after tomorrow. I’d be driving down to the Mayo Clinic at five a.m. on Friday to be checked in for pre-op at seven.
I picked up some pita bread and soup she liked and headed over to her house. Rosa let in Lieutenant Dan and me. She hugged me and looked about as worried as I felt.
“I’m glad she’s seeing you,” she said, her voice low.
“Rosa, what’s wrong?” I asked quietly. “She’s not talking to me. I don’t know what I did.”
She looked sorry for me. “You didn’t do anything. Just tell her you love her. Okay? Make sure she knows.”
I studied her face like I might be able to glean more information from it. But the older woman just patted me on the shoulder and sent me down the hallway.
When I came up to the room and saw Briana, I wanted to run to her the way my dog did. The urge was so strong I had to put a hand on the door frame to keep from sprinting the distance between us.
She was sitting up in bed, wearing a baggy T-shirt. Her long hair was in a braid. She was pale, and even though she was smiling and petting Lieutenant Dan, she looked sad. I set the food I brought on the dresser and came around the bed, sat down, and gathered her into me. She surrendered like she was just as relieved as I was to have her in my arms.
“I missed you,” I breathed into her hair.
It was a long moment, but she said it back. I had to squeeze my eyes shut to keep myself from crying from the relief.
I climbed into the bed and pulled her down onto my chest and just hugged her. She started weeping softly and I kissed the top of her head and smoothed her hair. “What is it?” I whispered. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
When she finally did, she did it with her cheek pressed to my heart. “I’m pregnant, Jacob.”
I froze. “You’re pregnant?”
I pulled away to look at her. “Briana, that’s…that’s wonderful,” I said, beaming. “That’s…”
But she wasn’t smiling. Her chin quivered. “I don’t know if I can carry it. I couldn’t carry the last one.”
I nodded and took her hands into mine. “Okay. That’s okay. That’s not your fault if that happens. We’ll deal with that if it does. Come home. Come home and I’ll take care of you.”
She let out a shaky breath. “Jacob, I can’t live with you. I meant that. I meant everything I said that day. I shouldn’t have said it the way that I did, but I did mean it.”
I shook my head. “I don’t…I don’t understand.”
She pressed her lips together like she was trying not to cry. “I’m not sure I’m in any place to be in a relationship.”
My stomach bottomed out. “What are you talking about?”
She didn’t answer me.
I licked my lips. “Look, I know you had a hard time in your last marriage. It won’t be like that with us. I love you. Please. Come home. Or let me be here—”
“No. I can’t. I’ve thought about this a lot over the last two days.” She looked away from me. “Jacob, I don’t know how to be all-in anymore.” Her eyes came back to mine. “I don’t think I’m capable of it. Or any of the things that entails. Especially now. I can’t be the carefree, throw-caution-to-the-wind person I was before Nick. I can’t pretend like I don’t know how these things end—”
“It’s not going to end. Why would it end?”