He wrote about loving when my perfume was on his clothes, some random time that I kissed him on the cheek and it was everything. How hard it was to not be able to touch me. How much he liked making me smile. How he’d search for little things to get or to do for me.
…I sent Briana flowers today. I always bring her things just because. But nothing with her is just because. There are a thousand reasons in every second of every day…
Hating every time I texted Levi. There was a long entry from the morning of the bachelor party when he couldn’t sleep because he was so worried I wanted someone else. Then another long entry from later that night after the futon in the basement. His confusion and fear and hurt. It was like being there with him, seeing it through his eyes, feeling everything he felt.
And then we were together.
And he was so, so happy. He had less time to write because he was spending so much time with me.
…I thought I’d been in love before. I’d called it love, I’d believed it was love. But Briana is the lesson. She’s the one who taught me what it really feels like to live for someone else…
Then I saw Nick and Kelly.
Jacob wrote pages and pages about how he felt when I wouldn’t talk to him. How afraid he was that he was losing me. How he would do anything to bring me back and his heart was breaking because I was so sad and he missed me so much and he felt helpless.
…When she ghosts me, she haunts me. I can still feel her all around me only I can’t see her or touch her and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I can’t go the rest of my life like this. This isn’t living. Nothing is anything without her…
This part was hard to read. I put the journal facedown on my thigh. It took me a minute to regain my composure. When I did, I picked up the diary, wiping under my eyes.
And now he was at my house and I was telling him about the baby. He was happy.
I smiled through tears.
He was worried about me and the pregnancy, but he said he’d love me and be with me no matter what. He’d Googled cribs and strollers and a body pillow for me, and he’d ordered lollipops on Amazon that were supposed to help with nausea. It made me laugh-cry. He was excited. He wanted to take care of me.
He wasn’t like Nick. He didn’t wish the baby would go away. He wanted me. He wanted us.
By the time I got to his last entry, hours had passed and tears were streaming down my face. I found an envelope there and opened it with shaking hands.
Dearest Briana,
I know you’re scared. You have every right to be. But someday, decades from now, when our grandchildren are grown and our hair is gray, and we’ve spent a lifetime being harmless to each other, you’re going to find this letter yellowed and wrinkled, forgotten in a shoebox. You’ll read it and you’ll remember how frightened and unsure you were once. How afraid you were to give yourself to someone, how hard it was to trust again—and you’ll smile. Because I’ll still be there. And we will still be in love.
Yours truly,
Jacob
I completely lost it. I set down the letter and sobbed into my hands.
He let me look into his soul. And the only thing in there was us.
I knew right then and there that I was going to fall up.
I had to let go of any grasp on my old life, on my old insecurities or fears or scars, or I was going to miss out on the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Him.
Maybe I wasn’t ready. I might never truly be ready. But I was going to do it anyway.
I was going to be brave.
Chapter 48
Jacob
I came out of the anesthesia like I was coming out of a dream I couldn’t remember. Awake and then out again. Beeping machines in the fog. The feeling of a bed being rolled from one room to another. Muffled talking. Lights in a hallway. A voice I knew, one I didn’t. The one I knew I couldn’t place, but I felt calm hearing it, and I knew someone who loved me was in the room. Then I drifted out again. Then I was awake and a little more awake, and she was there, holding my hand. I looked at her until my eyes focused.
“Heeeeeeey. It’s you…”
She smiled. It was different now. Brighter.
She leaned down and pressed a long kiss to my face and I couldn’t really remember why this was a big deal, but I knew it was.
“You’re so pretty…” I said. Or that’s what I thought I said. It felt like it came out jumbled.
She grinned. “Always hitting on me. Don’t try to talk yet. You just got out.”
I closed my eyes. Asleep again.
It felt like time had passed when I woke up. I was in a different room. I was still out of it, but not as much. A nurse was taking my vitals. Briana was still holding my hand.
The nurse finished, and I tried to sit up.
“No no no. Lie down.” Briana put a gentle hand on my shoulder.
I winced. “Why do I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck?” My voice sounded raspy, and I remembered that I’d been intubated.
“We harvested your organ. You said I could have it, remember?”
“You just took the one, right?” I shifted a little and grimaced, sore.
“I’ll get the nurse to give you some morphine.”
“I’m going to be sixteen again?” I said tiredly. “Passed out on J?ger in a cornfield?”
She laughed and put her chin on top of my hand on the bed. “You know, they almost didn’t let me in here. They said I had to wait until you were awake and you could ask for me. They only let me in because you had me listed on your intake paperwork as your wife.”
I gave her a small, tired smile. “I’m trying to manifest the things I want by speaking them into the universe.”
“And you want a wife?”
“Only if it’s you.”
She peered gently at me. “I’m open to discussion.”
My heart rate picked up. We both knew it, because the heart rate monitor started beeping out of control.
She scooted closer to me. “I’m going to move in, if that’s okay,” she said. “Maybe we can start there? Take it slow?”
I smiled quietly at her. “Yeah. I’d like that. But why don’t we get a new place. That way you’ll feel like it’s yours too.”
Her eyes went soft. “Jacob, you don’t like change. Moving is stressful.”
“I don’t care. I’ll do it for you. We’ll put both our names on it—or just yours if that makes you feel better.”
She bit her lip and nodded. “Okay. Thank you.”
I squeezed her hand. She squeezed it back.
“I’ll go get Lieutenant Dan from Joy and watch him until you get home,” she said.
“Thanks.”
“And I’ll take care of your plants.”
I let out a long “Nooooooo,” and she laughed.
My eyes felt heavy. I closed them for a second and then opened them again.
“How is Benny?” I asked.
“The surgery went well. No complications. His new kidney’s already producing urine.”
I arched an eyebrow. “Really? So fast?”
She shrugged. “It’s a perfect match.”
“Someone told me once that even a perfect match isn’t perfect.”