I stared at her.
“She’s in the first serious relationship since her divorce, she has an unplanned pregnancy, and her last pregnancy ended in a traumatic miscarriage that she went through alone. She comes from a broken family where she was abandoned by her own father while her mother was expecting. She’s terrified and she’s trying to protect herself—and she might be so scared that she’s willing to sabotage the relationship so that it ends.”
I shook my head at her. “Why?”
“She’d rather things end on her terms than have the rug pulled out from under her again. It’s the only way she can feel in control of the outcome. It is a very common trauma response, Jacob.”
“But…but I would never do that to her,” I said. “Never.”
She looked at me gently. “I know, sweetheart. But sometimes the hardest thing isn’t trusting the next person. It’s trusting yourself. She doesn’t trust herself to choose well. Given her history with important men in her life, she may even feel that severing her relationship with her child’s father is in the best interest of the child. None of the fathers in her life have ever stayed, Jacob. Seeing Nick moved on with his new pregnant wife must have been incredibly difficult, given the circumstances. Had Briana not lost that pregnancy, that man would have been the father of her baby. And it was clear he didn’t want Briana or the baby he almost made with her. Why would you be different? Why would you be the one who sticks around?”
She dipped her head to look at me. “Has she had any therapy? Talked with anyone?”
I sat back against the sofa and dragged a hand down my mouth. “I don’t know. She doesn’t have a therapist now, I know that. I don’t know what she did back then.”
Mom nodded. “Well, if I had to guess, knowing what I know of Briana, she probably didn’t. She’s tough. Self-reliant. She’d try to muscle through it. But if you don’t deal with trauma, it just circles back around. She’s probably depressed. And depression lies, Jacob. Nothing it’s telling her is true, but she can’t know that in her state without help.”
I looked her in the eye. “So what do I do?”
“You know what to do. It’s what you did with him.” She nodded at the dog sleeping at my feet. “You move slowly. Be consistent. Give her reassurance. Make her feel loved and safe. Show up. Don’t give up on her and make sure she knows you never will. And try to get her into therapy.”
I blew a breath through my nose and nodded. “Okay.”
“She must love you very much,” she said.
“Not as much as I love her. I don’t even think it’s possible that she could,” I said quietly. “She’s it, Mom.” I looked at her. “I think I knew it the moment I laid eyes on her.” I laughed a little. “Even though she was telling me off.”
She smiled gently at me and put a hand on mine. “I want you to know that watching two complete strangers fall in love has been one of the greatest gifts of my life.”
I stilled. “What do you mean?”
She grinned ruefully. “Come on, Jacob. It’s my job to know when it isn’t real. And also when it is.”
Chapter 47
Briana
It was surgery day. Mom and I came down last night and got Benny admitted. Jacob was driving down with Zander.
I ate a dry bagel from the hotel’s breakfast buffet, had a decaf coffee, and managed to keep both things down. I realized if I never let my stomach get empty I was less nauseous, so I took a box of Cheerios with me and ate a few at a time every couple of minutes like I was feeding a fire.
I tried not to think of adapting to this pregnancy. I didn’t know whether it was a long-term situation. I didn’t know if I’d be carrying around boxes of Cheerios in a week. I was just dealing and not allowing myself to think beyond one day at a time. One minute. One second.
When we got to the hospital, Mom ran down to the cafeteria to get me some tea. I headed to the surgical waiting room and found Alexis sitting in one of the gray chairs. I practically fell into my best friend’s arms. “Thank you for coming.”
I’d told her everything last night on the phone, sitting alone in the hotel parking lot in the car while Mom was sleeping. Alexis was planning on coming and visiting after Benny and Jacob were in recovery, but after we talked, she’d changed her plans and drove down this morning instead.
“Zander was just here,” she said over my shoulder. “He went to go talk to the surgeon. Jacob’s already checked in.”
Just hearing that Jacob was close made the floodgates open again. I dropped into a chair and buried my face in my hands.
I felt like a sponge. I couldn’t stop crying. And every little thing just wrung me out. I knew I wasn’t in my right mind. I was barely hanging on, and nothing was making it better.
I didn’t care that Benny was getting his transplant today. I didn’t care that I was still pregnant and holding, almost six weeks in, or that Jacob seemed to still love me—for now. No matter how many good things were happening around me, this fear just swallowed me and held me in its dark belly. Everything felt hopeless. And I didn’t know how not to feel like that.
I felt Alexis sit next to me. “Are you still thinking about breaking up with him?” she asked softly.
I sniffed and nodded into my hands.
“Oh, Briana.”
“I know.”
It was all I could say.
“It’s normal to be scared,” she said gently. “You’ve been hurt, it’s hard to feel safe again. This is just the flinch.”
I wiped under my eyes with the top of my shirt. “Maybe the flinch is the only thing that keeps you from getting hurt again.”
“Maybe the flinch is the only thing that keeps you from being happy.”
I looked at her and she held my gaze steadily. “Bri, you are the bravest woman I know. So be brave.”
My chin quivered.
She reached over and pulled some tissues from a box and put them in my hands. “He really loves you. I could tell before I even met him. I could tell by the way you talked about him that he did. Even Daniel saw it.”
I clutched the Kleenex in my lap for a long moment, just staring at the translucent spots my tears made on the tissues as they fell.
“I have to go,” I said, my voice weak. “I have to go see him before they take him in.”
I rallied what little of my strength I had left and stood.
Alexis looked up at me from her seat. “Bri? When he tells you he loves you, believe it. Be brave and believe it.”
I took a deep breath and gave her a nod, even though I knew I wouldn’t.
I wandered the halls until I found his room. Jacob’s face lit up the second he saw me. It made me feel guilty and horrible and exhausted.